Why do you think some people have no friends?

[GoodnightJude1]

In your experience why do you think some people have no friends?

Is it because they’re not a nice person?
Is it because they don’t make enough effort with people?
Is it because they only talk about themselves?

In my experience its the second one.

For a few people it would be 1 and 3 but for most it will be number 2.

Number 2, in the main, out of those 3.

Loads of horrible people have friends.

I think a lot comes down to shyness and a lack of confidence

All of the above.

And then, some people just like their own company.

I have lots of acquaintances. Three proper, close friends. The last time I saw one of them was 5mths ago. She's moved an hour away. Another moved an hour away. One has a disabled child. One has a baby. I have a disabled child and little twins. And trying to move. And just got a promotion. And DH not about for a lot of the house admin. So, at the moment I kind of have no friends that I see. Life can do that.

I just assume people will be annoyed by me and won't want to talk to me.

My mil once told me that she just assumes everyone wants to talk to her so she talks to everyone! I couldn't imagine being that confident!

Neurodivergent

Or have you considered they are really shy, or have social anxiety or autism?
But no, no, let’s just assume they must be horrible, lazy and self obsessed.
The nastiest people I have met usually have a gang of friends who are sycophants or just as nasty and like has called to like.

Because they’re either boring or too intense, in my experience

All of those plus lots of other reasons:

4 - lack of confidence
5 - poor social skills
6 - big life changes e.g. living in a different country
7 - being an introvert who prefers their own company
8 - having no time to socialise due to work/carer commitments
9 - having an illness

Number 2 mostly.

I think a lot of people just don't make the effort in all honesty. You see it on here all the time. People plan to do something with a friend but then - "I can't be bothered to go, I just want to stay at home."

Which is of course their prerogative, but then don't moan if you have no friends.

I'm autistic - I have many acquaintances, but then when my utility to them wanes, their interest in me does.

Shit happens - you either wallow, try to be someone you're not or you get on with life. I do OK by it.

Yes it’s number 2 I think as well.

I would say 2.

I feel like people I know my age/generation don't bother much?

Casual contacts and 'friends' on social media but most would prefer to be at home doing their thing. Not everyone wants the commitment of friends

I think most likely reasons are lack of confidence, anxiety, and having trust broken by so many people that they can no longer trust anyone.
I find self-obsessed, horrible people tend to always have lots of friends so I really don’t think it’s either of those reasons.

The acquaintances of mine that dont seem to have many friends tend to be quite toxic/draining personalities. I've seen how people (myself included) just distance themselves from them.

I don't really know, but I've seen it happen.

Actually, now I think about it...

...I'm going to change my deodorant.

Just in case. 😳

That's very interesting! I have an unshakable belief in how likeable I am.

Sadly I know someone who's very very lonely who tries and tries to make friends but they expect not to be liked and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you're patient with this particular person you couldn't ask for a funnier or more caring person.

Shy/social anxiety. I have 2 friends, one old school friend and one school mum. Too nervous in myself to make more

Why start a thread without hinging your own POV? Are you someone who struggles with friendships or are you sneering at others?

Honestly I have friends who fall into all of those categories- I just put boundaries around it as they have their good points too. For me the critical one missing from your list is "not a fun person" which would be a nn for me re. being friends with someone. Obviously fun can take lots of different forms but I would need to find them engaging, interesting or funny on some level.

There’s always turned out to be a reason why someone doesn’t have friends, anytime I’ve come across it

Some people have no friends because they loose contact when in the thick of parenting/shift work/surviving and don't have the time/headspace to maintain the relationships and they fall away

Actually expanding on what I wrote which came across as rather depressed (I'm totally not) and these comments that people think they're unlikeable....

I thought I was unlikeable and some kind of social cancer type individual, until I was diagnosed with ASD and the issues I had with social interaction were highlighted (and how crap I was at masking them). Since then I've taken much more of a "fuck it - I'm personal marmite and the choice is yours about like it or leave it" and it's been the making of me. Dropping the mask and stopping struggling for acceptance ironically led to people accepting me more - while most of my network is still work colleagues - I am now actually really close with them, ones who've moved on have remained in touch with me and I feel a lot less "disposable human" than I used to feel.

And I just tell people to feel free to tell me to shut up if I'm blethering on or struggling to know when to end the conversation as well. Works better that way.

See I think part of the issue is that generally speaking people value friendships that are fun and convenient to them, but this is labelled ‘shallow and using’ by others.

Many posters on here seem to think friendship is a very intense, exactly reciprocal experience that involves a lot of ‘support’. Whereas I just want to have a laugh at the pub and a good time. Of course if a friend needs help once in a while I’m happy to do it, but I don’t want to be a support human for somebody that doesn’t bring any fun or enjoyment to my life. I don’t think that’s self obsessed at all.

It seems like ‘friends’ on here are often mistaken for ‘support humans’ and that’s the source of the disappointment.

I know plenty who concentrate on their careers and leave little time for social lives.

Up early, into the office, gym or meetings at lunchtime, then work through, get home late, eat and in to bed before doing it all again.

Sometimes they realise too late that the greasy pole isn't worth it.