Why do you think some people have no friends?

[GoodnightJude1]

In your experience why do you think some people have no friends?

Is it because they’re not a nice person?
Is it because they don’t make enough effort with people?
Is it because they only talk about themselves?

DP has no friends, of his own, any friends he does have, he met because they were my friends, which works well for him

He is very happy in his own company, I understand the reasons behind it though and its none of the 3 options given.

alrightluv
really great to hear he came out the other side xxxxx there’s a few different children that used to be in school with my kids and I see them coming out of secondary and they’re just little shadows. I think of how much they used to enjoy primary. It’s so hard for them and I hope they get through it all ok

I think a lot of women tend to let friendships slide by letting their children become their only focus. They tend to wake up a couple of decades later when their children need them less and realise they have no friends.

I think this is true.

Well said

I'm really sociable, I can happily strike up a conversation with strangers in the street but I don't think I really "fit in" with anyone.

I love being outside/walking however I'm a solo parent and my son is Home Educated (he has SEN and school wasn't a good place for him) so that limits what free time I have to socialise.

I've got one friend, technically, but she's housebound like me so we chat over messenger.
But I've pretty much gone through life with no friends.
I'd say I've had people in my life to serve a purpose starting when I was a child and that person was someone to walk to and from school with.
Once I'm no longer in the situation that required them, I find it impossible to maintain any sort of relationship.

Whenever I've moved areas or moved jobs I don't maintain any contact with anyone because they are no longer relevant to my situation if that makes sense.

I'm not unpleasant to people, I am appropriately interested in them while we are 'friends' and people say I'm nice (although they may be lying, people do that 😁) I just can't maintain a relationship when there is no need to have them in my life any more. I'd say I have situationships rather than friendships.

I say my goodbyes nicely and I move on.

I would suggest that like most things in life the reasons are complex and not at all confined to the three options you have suggested.

I also agree with number 2. Friendships, like any relationship, take effort on both sides otherwise it's just one person constantly chasing another and people get sick of that after a while because it makes them feel crap. Of course there may be reasons why someone stops making an effort but if that isnt explained to the other person they will naturally assume they just cant be arsed or they dont want to be friends any more so that person cannot then be shocked if they end up friend less.

It's fine if people dont want to make the effort but they cant really then moan about people drifting away from them. Its a natural consequence.

I don’t ever call anyone, not even my DH because I feel like I’m disturbing them, like they’d be annoyed with me. I think that makes people think I’m not bothered. I am…I guess I just don’t feel important enough to take up space in their day

This is a prime example- they wont know you feel like this unless you tell them. They will just naturally assume you arent bothered about them. It's honestly exhausting being the one to constantly make the effort with friends and you do get utterly fed up with it after a while. My advice is to communicate with them- if they know your reasons they are more likely to understand. You cannot expect them to read your mind and they will come to the wrong conclusions otherwise.

A lot of home ed families do activities together. Have you tried that?

I don't have many friends now, have lost contact with some for various reasons and have a big family and a ( more than full time ) NHS / social care type job.

I also have a history of being bullied and some very recent trauma relating to people not being as they seemed / being very manipulative and abusive.

I am very, very wary of people and trust very few people. I don't let others get too close, and tend to quietly avoid social gatherings like work dos and barbecues etc as they make me more anxious. I don't drink at all so am boring i expect to many. I am friendly and supportive to my colleagues at work, and get on well with all people on a needs led basis. I volunteer in quite an intense people focused organisation and can be happy in large groups if it is something i have chosen and can retreat from.

I am sorry to say I am most comfortable with my immediate family only now, or with my dogs. I hope that doesn't make me a bad or horrible person.

I am very similar to you!
I am also an introvert and happy with my own company.

I don't feel lonely or say I don't have friends. I get most of my social contacts from my hobby and work.
But, like you, I don't maintain them, once I move on.
I don't miss the individual people either, because I built new relationships that fit in with my situation or interests in the here and now.

I don't think I just talk about myself - in fact I don't like taking about myself at all!
I don't think I am not nice either because, in my job, I rely on people being able to explain things to me and being understanding if I can't do something. (And I know I am very good at my job- boss said so!)

I find having social contacts/ friends outside working or hobby hours exhausting! I know to many that screams wirdo- but I like things quiet and orderly.

... and then I married DH, the socialite!

I certainly have!

My son is younger in the mind than the body so can be scary to the younger ones but doesn't fit in with those in the same age range as he is.

Where I live is mainly focused on LGBT+ and people with Autism so there aren't any groups of categories he can slot in to.

I've taken him places but having to drive 100's of miles every week for an hour here or there of social interaction isn't always possible.

I've tried to ask the local council to put something on for the other SEN kids in the area and not just those with ASD but they apparently don't have funding for anything that isn't Autism related 😂

I know I harp on about Facebook but maybe start a group yourself? Do you have a community centre?
Sorry about the council. I sometimes wonder what the point of them is?

Social anxiety and maybe introverted?

Also some people are very good at 'reading' other people, so they avoid as they can see how false and bitchy alot of women are. I've met some horrible toxic bitchy women with alot of friends.

Well said!! Some people just struggle with the social aspects of "making friends". It doesn't mean they're self obsessed, horrible, etc.

Personally, I have a very small number of exceptionally good, long term friends. My issues go back to my teen years when I was horrendously bullied throughout my secondary school, to the extent of physical assault, property theft, etc., which led me close to suicide and being completely unable to trust anyone as some of the bullies masqueraded as my "friends" and would literally be Jeckyll & Hyde characters - nice to me one minute and then burning me with a fag end the next. It takes years to recover from that!!

Yes, my husband likes to socialise and has a lot of friends - his best friends are people he's known his entire life.
He makes friends wherever he goes.
He does need a lot of alone time too which suits me perfectly but when he wants to socialise he can go anywhere and just slot right in. I have no idea how he does it. I couldn't deal with it. Prolonged interactions actually make me cry. When he's drunk he talks so much it's reduced me to tears more than once. Hours of being expected to listen to him. It's like being repeatedly whacked in the face with a cricket bat. I had to implement a rule in the end that if he wants to drink he books himself into a hotel and finds people to talk to.

Whenever he's out of the country we speak maybe twice a week and we'll WhatsApp anything either of us needs to know.

Sometimes I don't want the commitment of friends. The nights out and weekends away I did in my 20s. With a child and a full on job I can't be arsed now. I also am not interested in others dramas.

Mainly number 2. And also, the expectation that you have to live on top of each other. All of my good friends (mostly people I have known 40+ years) live some distance away, often hundreds of miles, and are scattered all over the country. It takes effort- initially letters, Christmas cards etc and now What's App or email. Some of them I might only see once year, but that doesn't make them any less important.
Also, an acceptance that things will go in phases, in terms of the amount of contact. But we've always known where the other one was, and stepped up when needed.
Finally, some people make such a fuss about their families that they neglect their friends, and that will come back to bite them. We can live without families, but we all need friends.

I'm awaiting asd assessment and the idea of being personal marmite is so helpful. I'm so sick of trying to please people. that is a bit revolutionary thank you!

In my experience, it has nothing to do with being likeable. I can think of several repulsive individuals with busy social lives and lots of friends. I can also think of several witty, charming, likeable people with no one. The guy who lived next door was one of those irritating prats who think they're funny when they're not. But he had loads of friends (most of them prats like him). And he made those friends by constantly imposing himself on others. Any village fete, he was there. Any local barbeque, he was there. He joined all the local groups and never turned down an invitation, no matter how casually it was made.

If you just want company, and are willing to be friends with anyone, it's easy. Making friends isn't difficult. The difficulty is finding loyal, loving people whose company you enjoy and whose interests you share. I have often avoided, or distanced myself, from people who were trying to get close to me. I didn't hate them. I just didn't want them in my life.

Many people don't want lots of friends, and that's hard for extroverts to understand. Others are very choosy. And if it comes down to a choice between being on their own or spending all day with a twerp like my neighbour, they'd rather be on their own.

What @neveralone said:

"Sadly I know someone who's very very lonely who tries and tries to make friends but they expect not to be liked and it becomes a self fulfilling prophecy. If you're patient with this particular person you couldn't ask for a funnier or more caring person."

I know lovely people who have often-unrecognised beliefs and patterns from childhood which lead them to assume that they won't have friends. And yes, this becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy. I know for myself that when I'm feeling upbeat and confident the world somehow responds much more warmly than when I'm feeling lonely. It's the sad but true principle of "to (s)he who has, more will be given'. The converse is also true.

Quality not Quantity.

It's the sad but true principle of "to (s)he who has, more will be given'. The converse is also true

That's so true and so sad!!!