Why do you think some people have no friends?

[GoodnightJude1]

In your experience why do you think some people have no friends?

Is it because they’re not a nice person?
Is it because they don’t make enough effort with people?
Is it because they only talk about themselves?

One thing I have gleaned from this discussion is for many the definition of friend seems quite fixed and intense.

I have a core group of (mainly) female friends who I have collected through life - school,university, jobs etc.. and they are my core go to group- the ones you invite to major celebrations, share problems with, meet up woth regularly, talk/dance the night away with. We have supported each other through all sorts - illness, death of loved ones, miscarriages, relationship breakdowns, job loss etc..

But I also have, and have had a lot of what I call "situational friends". People you see a lot of at a particualr period in your life because of a shared situation - work, living situaton, hobby. These friendships can be quite intemse but usually naturally fall away once the shared situation ends but that does not mean they aren't valuable at the time or did not add something to your life.

I find the best way to make frinds it must like the best way to meet a partner - be open to new things, take a chance and accept there will be a failure rate but all experiences add something. We recently went to Boston as Mr Monkey ran the marathon. Accomodation ia Boston is expensive so we linked up with a couple of others he knows through one of his running clubs who were also going out there. So we rented an Airbnb apartment together. On one levle it was functional - we all needed somwhwre to stay, but they were great, we had a brilliant few days and got on well. I doubt we will see them much again (Mr Monkey may go for the odd pint aftet runs woth them) but it was nice to share our break with others and it added a lot to the holiday.

So you don't think anyone could just be shy, introverted or have had all their friendships destroyed by an abusive partner? You've gone straight to calling everyone without friends "boring or too intense?!" Wow

This.

My sibling doesn't have any freinds. They are a lovely person but have been on medication for a mental health disorder all their life and this makes them quite distant and non conversational a lot of the time. They are friends with lots of my friends and everyone loves them but my sibling dedicates all their time to raising their children and was in an coercive relationship for 15 years which stopped them working and socialising.

I think it's really sad and I include them in everything I do so they get some social contact. Without it they would have none I fear.

That really sounds awful. I’m so sorry you’ve had those experiences.

About the wanting a friend to fill a gap, I have a friend abroad who loves to come back to the UK. When she does she expects me to drop everything for her to meet her for a few days and stay in a Ba and B. This despite not having heard from her for months and knowing nothing about what’s going on in her life beyond trivialities. Before she left to live abroad she made much of wanting to see me. She then organised a dinner with a load of friends I had never met.

Another friend who I hadn’t seen in years. I moved back to the area and we met for coffee. She wanted me to go abroad with her the following week because her mother had pulled out. I was just someone to fill the gap. This was the same friend who wanted me to join her to drive round the area I lived in at the time to stay in B and Bs so she could have a holiday. What was in it for me?

Obviously, there can be many reasons. I don't have many friends because a few close ones now live quite far away, and it's difficult to see them with work commitments and parenting etc. Also, I'm recently divorced. We had a large social circle of couples that we spent a lot of time with. Since we split up, neither of us (me/ex) have seen much of them. I think they don't want to take sides, but exh and I are on good terms. I'm very lonely nowadays, but making friends has become difficult because the divorce has really knocked my confidence. I've tried joining women's social groups on fb, but find that meetups often fall on days I've got dd.

Because I'm autistic and that creates various issues with humans.

There can be any number of reasons and the fault doesn't necessarily lie with the friendless person.

Sometimes the person had lots of friends, but over time the friends moved away/abroad or moved on to a different phase of life (got married/busy with kids etc.) and the person hasn't made new friends to replace them.

Sometimes the person has a medical condition which makes socializing difficult.

Sometimes the person is very constrained by parenting (single parent) or caring duties and isn't able to maintain friendships.

I think some women lose their friends when they start families, especially if they give up work. They lose their social networks and sometimes find it hard to connect with other women at things like mother and toddler groups. Or the friendships they do form are superficial ones. This is less likely to happen to men as they generally don't give up work. On the other hand, some men don't make the time to cultivate friendships or hobbies outside of work and then they become very lonely when they retire.

I know someone (former friend) who is forever falling out with people. She is NC with her family including her son and daughter. She has fallen out with a lot of friends and isn't talking to half her neighbours. She's not an aggressive or belligerent person - quite the opposite in fact. She comes across as very charming. She just has a very low tolerance for people and is very quick to cut ties if something minor offends her. She makes friends easily but doesn't maintain those friendships.

Some people only reach out or want to see you when it's convenient for them or like you say to plug a gap or if you can be of some benefit to them,any other time they don't want to know.😮‍💨
I think it's made me very wary of having friends now,which is sad and can be quite lonely at times.Id love to have friends but when I look back on people I thought were good friends and how I've been treated it makes me think loneliness feels better than being used and then dropped when you've served your purpose,so to speak.

The people I know who have the most friends, have adhd. They have never been able to maintain intimate relationships, but have 100s of friends who adore them.
From observing it's that they are a very energetic, entertaining person with lots of fun drama going on and keep up the chat with people every day messaging and meeting etc. Women love being their friend, men can't stand to be in a relationship with them. It's been an interesting observation. I'm someone who has a strong but small circle as I can't be arsed keeping up with so many people but never had a problem with relationships.

I don't have a lot of friends, I was always sociable and would talk to anyone but after lots of negative life experiences, I now take a long time to warm up to people, longer to trust (which I also lose easily) and struggle to approach new people (but am polite to anyone who approaches me). Those are safety mechanisms to protect me from previous negative experiences, and they do sometimes get in the way of me having the social life and relationships I would like to have. I'm not sure what the answer is though, because I would struggle to make myself as vulnerable as I used to by letting people in more easily. The people I know who are not like that, it's a combination of personality and not having had those same experiences.

My older sister doesn't have any friends. She has a couple of people at work that she is "friendly" with, and a few "friends" from the internet, but she'd never dream of meeting up with them socially. I'd say she hasn't "gone out for the day" with a friend since her mid-20s. She's now early-40s.

She's very neurodivergent, and undiagnosed Autistic. She has a partner, who is similarly ND but marginally more outgoing and sociable than sister is. They muddle along together pretty well. I mean, thank god she's got him, because I think she'd have struggled to live independently on her own.

The saving grace though is that she doesn't seem to notice, or care, that she has no friends.
It's a bit hard for me sometimes, as a neurotypical, as I can see she'd make someone a lovely friend. She's unfailingly kind, supportive and generous. She's just not very interested in friends!

I have a few friends, but used to have more in my twenties and thirties. I'm in my fifties now and more discerning (and far less tolerant) of friends. For example, I've recently stepped away from a friend who likes to talk about herself constantly and shows little interest in others. It all felt very one way and I came away from those meetings ups feeling disappointed and frustrated.

• being socially awkward, not knowing what to say and when, maybe ND so coming across as weird sometimes
• very shy, preferring own company most of the time
• not making enough effort to respond to invites etc
• probably being a bit preoccupied, not showing enough interest in other's problems, not a good listener
• overall, someone who is "difficult" and requiring effort to understand and befriend - many people simply would not bother

@MrBallensWife sorry for your loss. People can be really crap. I had a cousin who just got in touch for my dd college results!! No word from her since. People are really insincere now there zero loyalty. I dont want new friends since this 😐

I was in hospital recently quite ill. One of my friends messaged to say she'd bought a new puppy, couldn't even be bothered to ask if I was ok, when I'd be home etc. The other messaged asking if I was better and then four paragraphs on an upcoming interview. I messaged back saying I'd still be in hospital for days, as I wasn't making progress and hope her interview went well, keep me updated. To which she responded "Glad you're better! Speak soon." Haven't heard from her since.
This is part of the reason I kept my circle small to begin with. Always attracted people who take, take, take. It was a self preservation thing. I now have a very small number of friends. I'm a single parent so can't socialise freely, although I would love to make meaningful friendships. People to go and have fun with and share interests with. I'd have no clue how to go about expanding my circle in my late 30s though. I suppose some of us just have to accept this is life until our children are grown, using experience to cultivate and edge towards better friendships.

I think it’s more that they’re less likely to become needy or reliant on a man as they have wide circles, and the men find that threatening. They a like to be the centre of a woman’s universe, not in competition with 67 friends.

I have ADHD. I think I'm quite likeable because I'm genuinely interested in people.

The only time it's been an issue for people I've dated is when they don't have their own social lives.

An ex who is still a good friend had no friends when we met. I can't be everything to one person. He now has a good group of friends which has made his dating life far easier!

I found when dating it became a requirement for me that my partner had solid friends. My partner now funny enough was throwing a Valentine's party for friends a few weeks after we started dating. I met a bunch of his friends early on and it was awesome. It also gave me insight into who he was as a person seeing him through his friends eyes.

My friends are my family.

It's strange isn't it how some people are,they just pop up out of the blue then off they pop again until they need something.
I completely get what you say about zero loyalty and being insincere!,it's quite a punch in the gut when you realise they're not who you thought they were x

Yep really brass necked!! I dont trust people as much now.