Why do you think some people have no friends?

[GoodnightJude1]

In your experience why do you think some people have no friends?

Is it because they’re not a nice person?
Is it because they don’t make enough effort with people?
Is it because they only talk about themselves?

I'm nearly 50 and have fewer friends at this point in my life than I've ever had. I definitely put it down to not making the effort, as I know that I'm a nice person. I'm more introverted for sure these days.
To be fair though, I do try with those who I like, and where effort is reciprocated.

Honestly, the reasons are likely to be as numerous as there are kinds of people with very different psychologies and behaviours.

However, setting aside neurodivergence and simply not being in any way someone anyone in their right mind would want to spend time with, and not making an effort, some of the fairly obvious things in common I see in regular posts on Mn about not having friends include:

only wanting 'friends' or 'a friend' or a 'girl group' as a generic category, to fill a gap in that person's life, rather than engaging with actual individuals eg 'I just want someone to come around for a cuppa/go the the cinema with' without any particular thought about who that person might be, or what might be the attraction)

being a people-pleaser who thinks you 'buy' friends with services. These people are often on here, bewildered, saying 'But I'm nice! I'll help anyone out! I listen to everyone and let them unload on me, and it's never reciprocated!' Failing to see that setting yourself up as a service provider just makes you an invisible dogsbody.

not thinking about what they bring to potential friendships, eg saying 'My life is so boring and dull, and I never step outside the house -- why don't I have any friends?' If you have nothing to talk about other than dusting your skirting boards, what do you bring to a potential friendship?

Basically, all of these come down to not thinking of other people as actual individuals that you like, and would like to be around more, just generic individuals needed to fill your gap. I doubt many people just want to be a generic 'friend' who is available for weekly offloads.

My DH has friends but he very rarely sees them. One he meets occasionally to ride(bicycle) with (off roading), he is approaching 50yrs old.Other than his bike friend it can go more than a year between seeing his mates. he is a great person, very dedicated to home life, works hard to provide and will do anything for his adult children( and me, his wife). He just doesn’t feel the need to socialise, unless I organise meeting with our mutual couple friends. I will add he is not horrible, neurodivergent, self centred or anything previous posters have indicated of people who don’t socialise, I honestly just think he enjoys home life and my company 😂
I however enjoy seeing my friends.

Some people burn through friends. I can think of three women I have met over the years and befriended who have no other friends. In all those cases they have been quite unkind to me and do I have dropped the friendship, No surprise they have no other friends. But have lots of other lovely female friends who get that friendship is reciprocal, and is supporting other women, not trying to hurt their feelings.

I have a few friends and plenty of people I know but I'm neurodiverse and i find it hard to move from acquaintance to friend , I lack the skill and know how to bridge that gap. So it's defiantly not all about people being horrible , in fact some of the most horrible and self centered people I know have lots of friends

Poor social skills are underrated. Over talking people incessantly, talking with mouth full, being aggressive by nature in their approach and not making an effort is my experience.

Very much agree. I dont get the "oh I just want friends to have a laugh with and a fun time"- um, we all like doing that. What happens if your friend is just bereaved or is in the process of getting a divorce, do you just drop them like a hot potato because they arent up for 'aving a laugh in that moment? talk about shallow. That says to me you just see your friends as merely court jesters to entertain you. It's as shallow as a puddle to me.

I just met up with a friend I hadn’t seen in a long while recently, she did all of these! Asked me one question about myself and showed no curiosity or interest in me at all. Won’t be organising another meet up .

Some are okay, and they treat you real cool
And some mistake your kindness for being a fool
We like to be with some, because they're funny
Others come around when they need some money
Some you grew up with, around the way
And you're still real close to this very day
Homeboys through the Summer, Winter, Spring and Fall
And then there's some we wish we never knew at all
And this list goes on, again and again
But these are the people that we call friends

I’m kind, think of other people, am nice, make an effort, don’t talk about myself too much, am upbeat but not gushing. I have lots of friends in my home country still but after 20 years in the uk I still find it hard going here.

It has crossed my mind that I live in an expensive part of London and mix with the queen bee private school parent set: I wfh and can’t meet anyone other than the high six figure income crowd who I’ve met through my children’s schools (all my school and uni friends are back in my home country). Are rich people not as nice? Maybe. It gets me down. I have “friends” but very very few who I could call in an emergency. a lot of them seem to see friendships as transactional : “they can stay in our ski chalet in verbier and we’ll summer on their yacht with their crew off Ibiza”. I don’t have the resources to keep up with that set but I don’t have access to my “normal” hometown friends 😞

Lurking.

To follow up my first comment I also thing posters on here seem to have a very formulaic idea of how they think conversation should go, a bit like a tennis match, you ask them something then they ask you. Obviously they should show some interest, but constantly batting questions back makes conversation a bit stilted or gives the impression they don’t really want to give much away about themselves. It doesn’t flow somehow and seems socially awkward.

@Wishlist99 it's not about richer people being not as nice, more about them being horrendously judgemental. They can spot their ilk a mile away and won't make an effort with anyone outside of that. These folk not only sound rich and snobby but like they're trust fund babies, ahem adults.. do they wear a signet ring on their pinky?
For the record my husband and me both earn over 6 figures and neither of us speak like that! That's inherited wealth and those people are the worst.

Yes prob lack of effort. I feel Im loyal. Its lacking in people now. No efforts to meet. Your friend list dwindles quickly. I met a mam lately through girl's sport. She has found the same😐 I think people such flakes now!!

People for whom work is all important and who work all the time, people who don’t prioritise friendships at all. People who are happy to just see family members and don’t bother to make an effort with friends.

I don’t have friends because I’m just not a people person. If I’m out with a group, I’m counting the minutes down until I can leave and if I’m having a conversation I’m usually trying to work out how to end it. I can’t deal with conversations with multiple people all talking so I just don’t speak. I never contribute in group chats because I just don’t know what to say. One on one, I do seem chatty and sociable but I think people sense there is something ‘wrong’ with me. Sometimes I would like to be different, but more for my children’s sake than mine. I think I am a happy misanthrope.

But you are a person, just like all the other people.

I disagree. I think social skills by definition are learned skills.

I'm adopted and my biological mom has no friends. My sister has struggles keeping friends.

My mom by contrast is really good at creating a friendship group. She's a handful but is admittedly good with people. I have a good group of friends I think because I learned social skills from her.

I love my friends. I grew up in chaos and abuse and my friends are definitely my family..

I have met incredible women in my life. I moved a lot as a kid including into care and adoption. As an adult I've moved across the country 10 years ago.

It took time to build a new social network but it was so worth it. I need my friends as a special needs mom. It's too lonely otherwise. And my friends kept me sane during my divorce.

I'm an introvert but I love people and think most people are good people who are doing their best in the world with what they've been taught.

As cheesy as it sounds I think I'm good at loving people, and I consider it a privilege when people let me into their lives.

I don't have close friends! Not from not wanting.... but more of not trusting ppl I guess! Family is way more important

Some don't want them. I.E me

@Wishlist99 I’ve noticed the transactional thing too amongst same set. Some will sell their soul to the devil for a ‘free’ high end holiday.

I don't really have any friends😒,but I've never really had good experiences of having them when I did have them!.Growing up I always had a BF,we lost touch after school and when I started working I became really close to one girl,we used to go out etc and were really good friends,I introduced her to a friend of another friend I had,they then became really close and she didn't want to know me anymore,she ended up breaking into my flat with this other friends friend and stole my TV!.
Another workplace a few years later I really clicked with one girl,we became close too and eventually decided to rent a house together as I was still living at home at age 20 and she had just left her BF,I paid the deposit etc and all was great for a few months until one day she decided she was moving back to her hometown 100miles away and just upped and left leaving me with the house I couldn't afford on my own and a lot of debt!,didn't hear from her for years and she contacted me one day and we began speaking again,after a few weeks we arranged for her come and stay for the weekend (I had 2 children by then).I arranged childcare so we could go out and even up to the night before she was due to come she was in contact saying she couldn't wait to see me and have a good catch up on each other lives,I was really looking forward to seeing her and the time she was due to arrive came and went and I tried contacting her to see if she was still coming,and was she OK and she wouldn't answer my calls and I never heard from her again?!.
Fast forward another few years and met two other friends through work who were sisters,we used to meet up outside work for meals,family parties and BBQs where I met all their family and we worked together for 17years,they saw my kids grow up and I considered them both good friends.After I left that workplace my son was diagnosed with Cancer and they both knew this and I only heard from them once after his diagnosis despite me reaching out to them to meet for a coffee on quite a few occasions (the time i really needed friends!).Even after he passed away I've still not heard from either of them and they definitely know he passed as they were FB friends with my now adult daughter.Bearing in mind they saw him from when he a baby until he passed away.Yet not once did they reach out to me to see how I was.There was never any arguments or falling out,they just ghosted me when I really needed them the most!
So,now I don't bother having friends and just stick to my wonderful family.

Shyness. Not making an effort (as said above). Inflexibility.

Being no fun.

Hearing problems. My nicest colleague at work has a partner but no friends. She refuses to take it seriously but is so hard of hearing that she can't hear what anyone is saying in any social situation outside or with more than one person talking.

"only wanting 'friends' or 'a friend' or a 'girl group' as a generic category, to fill a gap in that person's life, rather than engaging with actual individuals eg 'I just want someone to come around for a cuppa/go the the cinema with' without any particular thought about who that person might be, or what might be the attraction)"

I can really relate to this. If I'd kept a diary in my 20s I'd have probably written about how I can meet people but it's always the wrong people. I was very lonely and quite desperate at that time so it was all about my needs. Maybe I should have been more open minded but I didn't want to waste my time on relationships I wasn't going to get much out of.