Why do you think some people have no friends?

[GoodnightJude1]

In your experience why do you think some people have no friends?

Is it because they’re not a nice person?
Is it because they don’t make enough effort with people?
Is it because they only talk about themselves?

It probably feels like an effort if you’re self conscious, ‘mindful’ of everything you write back and are generally not socially easy. There’s nothing wrong with that but it’s indicative of an introverted personality. I find it really easy to reply to messages and don’t feel ‘drained’ by them.

I have no friends. I tried hard to make them while in school and actually made a few friends, but they started acting up and spreading nasty rumours about me in no time, so that ended. After that, I never bothered again.

If you click with people, that's nice, but it's not the end of the world if you don't. Half the battle is finding the right sort of people to be your friend. It shouldn't take a lot of effort as it's assumed that all the right people will come to you, but that's not been the case in my experience because I don't put myself out there.

Not having to socialise has given me so much time and space to think and do my own thing. It's nice. I'm aloof I guess, but it's never harmed anything.

Can the op define ‘no friends’ - are we talking about people who have friends but to whom family remain more important? Do you think a friend group or 2 of 5 or 6 is not many? Do you think people live through their friends or family then friends?

I have a couple of friends and they're good people.

I'm on nobody's must invite though. Think Im a bit low status. 😕
Single parent, v average looking, earn enough but not much, no boyfriend, no fancy car.. people care about these things. They notice my low status. It might be catching!

The people I know who have no friends really struggle to keep a conversation going and don’t give the impression that they enjoy other people’s company very much.

I have a family member who has few friends (maybe just one) although she is very nice. She has a strong dislike of travelling anywhere and seems to feel very hassled by having people over. I think that’s why.

When I was single I had lots of friends. My dh is my best friend now and I know that's not good as doesn't replace girlfriends but I just love his company and value his opinion too much. I really am making an effort to deepen my friendships and it's slowly happening.

I will preface this by saying I’m autistic/adhd. I know I’m a likeable, funny person, people tell me I am etc. but I don’t seem to be able to connect with people and move from the acquaintance to actual friend. I don’t know how, I know logically, but I have no ability to put it into practice. I’ve never been able to. In some ways I seem to have so much confidence, but I think it’s just a bit of a slightly unhinged, uninhibited and impulsive attempt at trying to be personable 😂 and trying to make people laugh and trying to get them to like me. I think it puts people off a bit, but I’m either that or totally withdrawn. I think often people are like oh Christ 😬. But I think it’s very likely to be my personality too, because I’ve basically been like this forever.

123dogdog you sound similar to me. I've never been tested for autism but my dad has so many traits and I know it runs in families so I'd be surprised if I wasn't.

Personally I don't make the effort. I have lost many friends over the years - some moved away, some wanted a regular meet up I couldn't and didn't want to commit, some mum friends were gossipy and I had to be too careful saying anything because they'd repeat it with the result it came across like I agreed with them or was too bland to have any opinion. Some people I felt intimidated by and not funny enough or interesting enough to chat to, some were draining and I felt flat and exhausted after being in their company, some people I disagreed with and dislike confrontation so faded the friendship.

I have a couple of close friendships. One is a friend of many decades but there are times I find her a bit brittle and I tend to contact less frequently at times. The other was really interesting and easy to chat to about anything but has turned into a conspiracy theorist and I find her political and social views at odds with my own, and as she doesn't want to avoid these topics so we meet but it isn't always relaxing and I tend to stay quiet.

I read about MN posters having whatsapp groups and messaging throughout the day and wonder who has time for that. I would absolutely hate the stress of trying to keep up with constant messages.

Some people I know who don't have many friends are draining and quite negative. Others are busy and family orientated. Others are lovely people but difficult to chat to either due to language barriers or they are too quiet and don't give much away about themselves so its hard to get to know them.

I think there can be loads of different reasons, as already mentioned. I don't think it's indicative of nice/not nice - there are many horrible people with loads of (usually equally horrible!) friends, and absolutely lovely people without many.

but yes I do find myself thinking this a lot on here.
So many threads full of people wanting to not do anything, or worse, cancel plans, with loads of other posters egging them on rather than saying "No, once you've committed to something it's rude to drop out unless you absolutely have to."
I'm a homebody, believe me I understand.
But there doesn't seem to be any understanding that if you refuse invites/drop out of things a few times people are going to stop asking you!

There's also a weird negativity towards the majority of ways you would actually potentially meet/make friends:
'Oh god I can't think of anything worse than being one of the 'school gate mums'
'I spend enough time with my colleagues at work why on earth would I choose to spend time with them outside it?'
etc.
I've seen people complain about friends inviting other friends along to things, (surely a great way of meeting "pre-screened" new people?) and also a thread where people described younger people attending a 'meet up' type of social group really sad as it was a pity they didn't have "real" friends.
An absolute horror of ever attending social events like hen do's, baby showers, work christmas parties, etc.
At which point you do start to wonder how these people expect to ever meet people to become friends! Unless they think random perfect mates are going to walk up to their house and ring their doorbell (which they probably wouldn't answer!)

My other half doesn’t have friends. I thought that was a bit of a red flag when we met several years ago, but that was unfounded. He’s always been a bit of an introvert, and loves his own space, and when he got divorced (amicably), they just had “couple” friends who kind of stuck with his ex as their friendship group consisted of mums of their kids and their hanger-on partners. He seems happy enough on his own and with me, but he’s such a lovely kind person that I wish he had a couple of mates to go off cycling with. He can’t join a club as he has his kids during the half of the week when all the club runs are on.

None of those things.

I’d just think they’re odd. It’s pretty weird to go through life without making any friends at all.

Mostly it's being shy , moving a lot and lack of opportunity. I'm not one for making assumptions others want to be friends for instance

see this thread for an example of the absolutely bizarre, (and in certain examples very misogynistic) ways some MN posters seem to think of what having a group of friend consists of https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5049902-to-think-alot-of-women-dont-have-their-girl-gang

I don't have a lot of friends. Literally came on here to start a thread to ask how you make new friends in your 30s. I'm a single mum who has her youngest more often than not, my friends either have partners and families of their own, or have a chunk of time away from children and like to go out drinking and man hunting. Each to their own, but I'd love to meet friends with similar interests.

I have a small circle of friends, in my experience I have found that I'm often the go to, when people have problems or are down, but they seem to be nowhere when I need someone to lean on.

This is a thoughtful and insightful list of other notable factors...

My DH has very few friends because he’s terrible at keeping in touch with people. And if he leaves it too long he thinks the friendship is over. I have loads of friends scattered about and I will always message if I’m in a part of the world any of them live to pop in and say hello, even if I haven’t seen them in ten years. I always assume they still want to see me and it’s really fun and great to catch up! My DH would overthink it and get anxiety.

Times changes and people change. A job change or having children can easily see your friendship circle dwindle.

Bit unpleasant. Very few people have no friends throughout their whole life.

Clearly being a bit unpleasant and lacking empathy never stopped anyone making friends though. I know many people like this.

So true

Wow. That's so reductive. Are they the only 3 possibilities you could think of @GoodnightJude1 ? There are so many reasons that a person may have no friends.

This is absolutely true.
you should write an article or a book about this. You put it so well.

They are sick of dealing with other people's shit

They work long hours

They just want peace

I also think what @Welovecrumpets said can be extrapolated to romantic partners too.
you need to have fun with someone. Not just supportive / someone to support.