Why do you think some people have no friends?

[GoodnightJude1]

In your experience why do you think some people have no friends?

Is it because they’re not a nice person?
Is it because they don’t make enough effort with people?
Is it because they only talk about themselves?

Most MN'ers have anxiety, don't answer the door, would rather stay home.

Most people I know have close friends, and further acquaintances, regularly out with friends, have BBQ's and parties.

As someone with very few friends it's an introverted/ shyness /overwhelmed with life type thing. I am in awe of women who can manage work/children/home and have time to invest in themselves and friendships. Before DC I was much more sociable and had a larger social group.

Agreed. I don't rely on my friends to be a therapist.

A whole host of reasons I'd imagine, and if they're happy then it's nobody else's business!
I like my own space and doing my own thing, though I can also be sociable if need be.

By choice?

I've cut myself off from most people - I have friendly relationships with colleagues but no friends that I spend time with outwith work.

I like my own company and find friendships and commitment really overwhelming.

Maybe not everyone feels the need.

I haven’t really got any friends but I still have lots of women in my life (through work, extended family and local community) that I chat to, gossip with, laugh with etc. That’s enough for me. I have a full enough life with work and family. My DH is my best friend.

None of those reasons, actually. I know loads of mean people and people who talk only about themselves who are incredibly popular, and people who make no effort who are constantly hounded to come out just this once etc.

Most people I know who don't have friends but want friends are actually too nice. Too accommodating. Too keen to have friends. This makes other people feel uneasy that the person is desperate and will become clingy, or that they give too much and then expect a similar level of giving from others that they can't commit to, or that they are so 'nice' it's like a mask, and so they are impossible to read - their real self doesn't come through. I've been like this in the past and made not a single friend. As soon as I gave up and became my rude, opinionated, less doormatty self, friends came flocking.

The other reason can be wrong place, wrong time. If you move to an area where most people just aren't very similar to you it's harder to make friends and you have to make a big effort to find like minded souls. Or if you have kids and all your old friends are still single, they can fade away, nothing mean intended, just different life stages.

I find it interesting that in framing this question at no point did you consider anything other than the person is horrible. Many many people who don't have friends are neurodivergent. Did that never cross your mind? Or is this a let's bitch about all these horrible people we know who don't have friends and it's all their fault?

I don't want them ☺️

I don't have many friends now that I'm in my 30's, honestly I think parenting, work & running a home completely take it out of me so what little time I get I would rather spend alone than with people as it's so rare I actually get downtime. I also find people exhausting.

I only have a few friends but I have a full-on job and sole care of my ds. I have very little time to myself to share with others.

So I have my select few. 🙂

I'd agree with you. Quite a few of my friendships are pretty situational and all parties are happy with that.

I think people also expect friendships to reach a deeper level too quickly. One of my closest friends now was basically a school mum acquaintance for years and we sort of gradually drifted closer. Similarly, another close friend was a running partner for a long time ( 18 months ish) before we actually did something "not running" together.

I think it's often a lack of effort. I have an old school friend who commented on FB once that she wished my group of school friends had kept in touch with her. We bloody tried but she stopped responding and turning up to things and lost contact. I have a few old university friends who have said similar but they are never in touch and don't come to any meet ups.

A couple of our friends are rubbish at messaging but always turn up to whatever meet-ups they can. It doesn't need a huge effort but needs some.

For me it's because I mostly enjoy my own company and don't NEED friends. They're nice to have, I enjoy them, I put the work in , but if they become difficult/I'm the one putting most of the work in... meh I'll just let it fizzle out.

I know some really lovely people who don’t really have friends. They’re nice, have made an effort and if anything have let friendships in the past be all about the other person too much so definitely don’t talk about themselves too much. They all say that they don’t like the gossip/bitchy side that so many people show even in friendships so now they’ve given up.

Some of the most horrible people I’ve known have lots of friends and seem very popular. I wouldn’t class their friendships as real. I think some people call friends, people who I would class as acquaintances.

I have a small close group of friends from university, they’re all just nice people. I think it was just luck that we all met. Although I have lots of acquaintances, I’ve never really clicked with anyone other than them and my partner. Someone once told me my bar is too high. 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don’t have many friends.

I feel it’s because I’m boring, negative (because there’s a lot of stressful things in my life there’s no easy ‘fix’ for) and generally hard work to be around. Oh and I gave up alcohol so am even less ‘fun’ to be around as I’d rather go to bed and watch a film than go out getting pissed and making a tit of myself or sit about chatting repetitive incoherent nonsense.

On the whole I’d consider myself quite repellant. So that’s why I have almost zero friends!

The few I do have I avoid spending time with because I get so anxious that I don’t want to disappoint them with my lack of interestingness compared to any of their other more spangly fun friends with jobs and proper lives.

I really agree with this Many posters on here seem to think friendship is a very intense, exactly reciprocal experience that involves a lot of ‘support’. Whereas I just want to have a laugh at the pub and a good time. Of course if a friend needs help once in a while I’m happy to do it, but I don’t want to be a support human for somebody that doesn’t bring any fun or enjoyment to my life. I don’t think that’s self obsessed at all.
I have two small kids, work in the NHS looking after patients and providing a hell of a lot of support to other staff especially new nurses. I don’t have it in me to be supporting all my friends all the time. Of course a good friend with PND, going through a break up, having difficulty at work, low mood etc I will be there for them as much as I can. But a new friend that’s very needy and requires a lot of emotional input I just won’t maintain for my own health.

I'm friendly, but I don't really have friends, as such. I socialise an acceptable amount, don't turn down invitations, host things at my house, get along with people and can chat and laugh, but if I was given an evening out to do something with a friend, I honestly don't know who I would even ask to join me... there's nobody I'm close to in that way.

Why?

I guess I feel like I just don't need it. I'm content with how things are. I'm not lonely, as i say, i do socialise with various people (usually husbands work colleagues & their families) I have a husband and young kids at home, I'm homeschooling because of circumstances, free time is time that I want to just be alone mostly (!)... and we move around a lot. Not military, but that kind of idea. Different countries, big moves, it just feels like I'm always "getting to know" people, rather than knowing them like you would a friend.

I don't think I'm lazy or selfish (I have no friends that I could ask about whether I am though ;) ) but maybe I am. I think that my life situation just doesn't lend itself well to having friends particularly.

@SpiltCoffee

I was referring to myself actually.
I’ve always struggled making/keeping friends and I was only asking for peoples opinions on why they think that happens.

So hop down off your soap box now 🙄

I don't have any friends and it's for none of those reasons. I had friends when I was younger, most were intense and toxic. I had my boundaries stepped on and was emotionally abused for so long I gave up on friendships.

Now, my DH is my best friend. I'm very close to my family, I also prefer my own company a lot of the time. I'm never lonely nor I do I feel like missing out.

Ah @Haretodayswantomorrow that’s really sad to read and I’m sure your friends don’t find you uninteresting at all. Would you like more friends or are you happy?

I feel a bit better since your update OP. I took it as a make fun of the friendless 😕
I see that's not the case.
I don't want friends, it's as simple as that really. Quite possibly ND, along with DH.

From the people I know who are neurotypical, it is mostly because after years of being on their own, they don’t even know what “making the effort” means.

Many find that effort too much if they have been isolated and only in regular contact with their families for years on end. They appear to be waiting for the moon and stars to align with the calendars of house chores and another 25 people in their family before agreeing to meet for an hour in 5 weeks time…

In a way, I understand. I was the same when I was a SAHM in a new area. In other times I could whip up a dinner party for 30 with 2 days notice, but then… I couldn’t even arrange for dinner for 4 if I had 2 weeks to sort it.

I guess I find friendships tiring, maybe overwhelming sometimes. I’ve always adored my friends but feel like I run out of steam with constant calls, texts, dramas. I suppose then they feel I’m not making an effort.