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Original poster

Extent some people go to satisfy their want for a child

211 replies

kaffeine123 · 15/04/2024 20:27

This is going to come across as judgmental but I’m finding it a bit shocking the extent some people go to, to satisfy their yearning for a baby.

I’ve read a thread today which made me shocked at some of the comments encouraging this lady to separate and have a second child, even if it ends her relationship and is not in the best interest of her first child! There are other threads like this too.

If you cannot provide for the child emotionally and financially, when does the yearning for a baby become selfish and it should instead be a matter for a therapist to work through in coming to acceptance.

I know someone who is planning her second child at 45/46 which will involve IVF and she is already in significant debt from the treatment for the first and childcare fees. I just think why! Try and be happy with what you have.

I have never felt this level of yearning for a child, but I can only assume it is a feeling so powerful that it makes you unable to look at this logically (am I too old to have a child, can I afford to have another child, is my mental health robust enough to have another child)

OP posts:
Screamingabdabz · 15/04/2024 20:29

“I have never felt this level of yearning for a child…”

There you go then. You will never understand whatever anybody says.

LadyTiredWinterBottom2 · 15/04/2024 20:57

I don't see anything wrong with ending a relationship because the partner didn't want another child

I wish l had done this instead of staying with my sbex

YouBoggleMyMind · 15/04/2024 21:00

Yes, it does come across as judgemental. You say yourself that you've never had this level of yearning for a child so how could you understand.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
Hippomumma2 · 15/04/2024 21:00

Having children is a very personal decision. The longing for a child is something that can be extremely strong and people have to make life changing decisions sometimes if they want a child so badly.

Devastated999 · 15/04/2024 21:03

If your hormones are a calling then you yearn like anything for a baby.

neverendingcold · 15/04/2024 21:04

Screamingabdabz · 15/04/2024 20:29

“I have never felt this level of yearning for a child…”

There you go then. You will never understand whatever anybody says.

Nailed it

soupfiend · 15/04/2024 21:05

People use these reasons to justify surrogacy though as well.

Where is the cut off?

Dacadactyl · 15/04/2024 21:07

YANBU

PineappleTime · 15/04/2024 21:08

YANBU! But women apparently are slaves to our hormones and incapable of making rational, sensible decisions in our own interests when it comes to the yearning for a baby 🙄

CuriousGeorge80 · 15/04/2024 21:10

Do you have children, OP?

HappierTimesAhead · 15/04/2024 21:11

I think you make some very valid points even though you will probably get flamedfor them.

RaraRachael · 15/04/2024 21:12

I was fortunate in able to have 2 children but I don't think it would have been that big a deal if I hadn't.

I remember my MiL saying, "But you'd go to the ends of the earth to have a baby" I wouldn't.

Opplesandbananas · 15/04/2024 21:13

I agree. Why break up your family unit just for the sake of having another child, which might not happen anyway - so many unknowns

TinyYellow · 15/04/2024 21:13

I agree with you, especially when it affects existing children.

Original poster
kaffeine123 · 15/04/2024 21:16

Yep @HappierTimesAhead definitely expecting some flaming here 😨

@CuriousGeorge80 yes I have a 9 month baby but I was on the fence for a long time before having her and finally decided to take that step but if I was unsuccessful I’d like to think I’d be happy with a childfree life and enriching my life in other ways, although I appreciate it’s easy for me to say that having not been unsuccessful!

OP posts:
DirectionToPerfection · 15/04/2024 21:18

I agree with you too OP. There comes a point where you have to seriously consider the impact on the potential child, and any existing children.

Also the impact on your own health and your relationship.

Comedycook · 15/04/2024 21:20

I agree in a way op. It's a biological urge though and actually the urge can be so strong that a lot of people are totally willing to screw up their lives in pursuit of it.

PracticallyPerfectedIt · 15/04/2024 21:21

God before I had my children (via IVF) I was near-suicidal. I used to think about driving into lorries rather than carry on my life. My marriage was tested to the limits.

I can't really explain it, it's not rational, but it was so real and powerful. I used to hear about people who didn't have children and didn't want them, and whilst I couldn't wrap my head around it, I longed to feel that way.

I've got children now, I'm a lot more sanguine about it all, but at that time in my life it was everything, and was like a black cloud hanging over me all the time.

Edit to add: this was before my first was born. Once he arrived I had no idea if I would have any more and if I hadn't I would have been happy and grateful anyway.

It all got turned on it's head when I was pregnant with my 3rd and suffered severe peri and post natal depression and wanted a termination.

Hormones and mental health are powerful things. I'm pretty rational in most aspects of life otherwise!

Strawberrycheesecake7 · 15/04/2024 21:21

I do understand the longing for a child, but at the same time I do think sometimes we need to be grateful for what we have. I would have done absolutely anything to have my first child. Being a mother has always been the main thing I want out of life, and I knew I would have deeply regretted it if it had never happened. Now that I have a child I still would love to have more in the future, but I don’t feel that same need that I did for my first. If I never have anymore children then I’m extremely grateful that at least I have my son. I certainly wouldn’t disrupt his life by leaving his father or going into loads of debt in order to have more children.

MonsieurSpade · 15/04/2024 21:23

I always feel it would be interesting to chat to women who couldn’t have dc 50 years ago pre ivf.
Those women must have yearned for a baby.
How did they learn to accept infertility?
Are they now glad that they didn’t have the option to go through such gruelling treatment?

I do think that more than ever western society thinks that everything can be bought including having a dc.

HappierTimesAhead · 15/04/2024 21:25

I think it must be utterly awful to want a child and to not be able to have one. However, we live in a world where everything is now seen as a 'right' and the ends seem to justify the means.

RampantIvy · 15/04/2024 21:25

PineappleTime · 15/04/2024 21:08

YANBU! But women apparently are slaves to our hormones and incapable of making rational, sensible decisions in our own interests when it comes to the yearning for a baby 🙄

I agree with this.

The stereotypical image of a woman being a complete slave to her hormones does us no favours.

Like the OP I don't think my life would have been worse off if I hadn't had DD. My life is different post DC, not better or worse, just different.

There is more to life than having children.

Newsenmum · 15/04/2024 21:25

kaffeine123 · 15/04/2024 20:27

This is going to come across as judgmental but I’m finding it a bit shocking the extent some people go to, to satisfy their yearning for a baby.

I’ve read a thread today which made me shocked at some of the comments encouraging this lady to separate and have a second child, even if it ends her relationship and is not in the best interest of her first child! There are other threads like this too.

If you cannot provide for the child emotionally and financially, when does the yearning for a baby become selfish and it should instead be a matter for a therapist to work through in coming to acceptance.

I know someone who is planning her second child at 45/46 which will involve IVF and she is already in significant debt from the treatment for the first and childcare fees. I just think why! Try and be happy with what you have.

I have never felt this level of yearning for a child, but I can only assume it is a feeling so powerful that it makes you unable to look at this logically (am I too old to have a child, can I afford to have another child, is my mental health robust enough to have another child)

You have never felt this yearning for a child.

That’s it. It’s pretty hard to explain but it kind of overtakes everything else, especially logic and reason. Logically it’s rarely a good idea! 😂

Desecratedcoconut · 15/04/2024 21:26

I think splitting a family with existing children up simply to have other children is selfish - but if someone is shipping out of a doomed relationship then it makes sense to do that before you burn through your fertile years if you have a desire for another.

As for your other example, people get into debt for all sorts of reasons and I can't think of many ones much better than adding to your family.

LividAA · 15/04/2024 21:27

I put myself through SO MUCH to have a baby.

£25k and years of the most invasive medical treatment. Several traumatic losses, one that put me in intensive care. My first question was when can I try again.

I can’t begin to explain how deep and primal the need was. It wasn’t a want, because I know I would’ve done anything I had to to become a mum. Nothing else was important.

I finally did and several years on I still can’t believe it actually happened. Another loss afterwards left me infertile (beyond medical help), which in some
ways was a blessing as it helped switch off the urge. I was a mum, and one would be enough.

I can’t judge anyone who feels the same. Anyone who had children easily couldn’t possibly understand it.