Extent some people go to satisfy their want for a child

[kaffeine123]

This is going to come across as judgmental but I’m finding it a bit shocking the extent some people go to, to satisfy their yearning for a baby.

I’ve read a thread today which made me shocked at some of the comments encouraging this lady to separate and have a second child, even if it ends her relationship and is not in the best interest of her first child! There are other threads like this too.

If you cannot provide for the child emotionally and financially, when does the yearning for a baby become selfish and it should instead be a matter for a therapist to work through in coming to acceptance.

I know someone who is planning her second child at 45/46 which will involve IVF and she is already in significant debt from the treatment for the first and childcare fees. I just think why! Try and be happy with what you have.

I have never felt this level of yearning for a child, but I can only assume it is a feeling so powerful that it makes you unable to look at this logically (am I too old to have a child, can I afford to have another child, is my mental health robust enough to have another child)

But our hormones are important and shouldn’t be dismissed. They don’t make us ‘lesser’ just like we have needs for sex and sleep. Hormones can cause severe pmt for some women and nothing for others.

I hate the idea that women aren’t allowed to behave like that because of sexism.

I ended a relationship to become a parent (we booked and paid for the entire wedding), I loved him as much as I love my husband, and in a way I will always love him, but it was still one of the best decisions I have ever made, however I wouldn’t personally end a relationship to have a second child, especially as success once doesn’t mean you’ll have success again.

Yep.
And I don't think the NHS should fund IVF.

Anecdotally (I know it's not true for everyone at all) but I know a few women in that position who adopted babies and it was comparatively 'easy' to do. One in particular has talked to me about her two daughters, both adopted at a few days old, having been born to teens/students. This was in the 1960s.

I understand it's not the same at all (the 'just adopt' crew get short shift from me) but the availability of newborns to be adopted by infertile couples ago 50+ years ago was different to now.

I have a family member who has Autism and her obsession is having a large family, she has quite severe fertility issues and has put herself through so many ivf cycles to have 4 children, they are all well cared for and happy and she is now taking about a fifth and I just can’t understand it myself. I do think as well she pursued her now husband as she knew she needed someone professional with a lot of money to facilitate her lifestyle choices

I think you make some good points.

But the yearning is probably impossible to explain to someone who hasn’t experienced it. It is not based on reason or logic- it’s just an incredibly strong, persistent drive and very difficult to ignore.

I was very lucky to be able to have the two children I yearned for. Had I not been able to, I suspect I’d have been devastated.

I agree o/p.

i do think we need to start regulating some areas. Surrogacy in particular. People will say it’s done altruistically but I don’t see any rich celebs offering to be a surrogate, it’s always the other way.

donor eggs I don’t see either, especially for subsequent pregnancies as you can’t even argue you want the “experience” of pregnancy.

as usual with women’s health no one thinks of the risks or what a woman has to go through with pregnancy and birth. Here, have as much pain and suffering as you like, we want the baby.

@kaffeine123

I have never felt this level of yearning for a child

then take your judgmental option of other people's lives & stow it.

@RampantIvy Easy to say when you have a DD.

I wanted children, life happened & I have ended up not having any. I wish I'd had them with the unsuitable but willing men in my life or by other means, but I didn't. I wanted the suitable men to want them at the same time etc

im late 50's, too old now, but deeply regret not having them 'by any means'

I still haven't come to terms with it & I still think 'I will do xyz' then it hits me all over again that I'll never be in that position and no child will ever call me mum.

it hurts, it's hard and no one has the right to sit in judgement about how I feel.

Most of my 20s was yearning and ‘waiting’ for when we could acceptably start TTC. Never looked back. If ivf hadn’t worked for me, I don’t know what I would have done. If my lovely husband didn’t want kids I would have genuinely have left him. Since childhood it was the one thing I consistently wanted. Nothing could possibly come close. I look at my childfree friends with a sort of admiration but I don’t know how it feels to not want kids. Feels insane to me! That’s why life is interesting, we’re all wired differently.

I read somewhere the urge to have a child can be stronger than the urge to breathe.

Buy a dog. Bizarre

I think your judgemental nature is probably affecting you more than it is affecting anyone else, especially those who your opinions pertain to

🥱

You don't think people who have a medical issue they have no control over should be treated. Cool story.

I don't think people should be treated for injuries from skiing accidents cause skiing is a choice they made knowing the risks of injury. A choice is that isn't available to everyone.

I don't ever get so drunk that I fall down and hurt myself, or punch someone, so I don't think the NHS should fund stitching people back together after that nonsense.

I don't smoke or take drugs. I've made the choice not to. I don't think smoking related illnesses should be funded, purely because they've made the choice to put poisons into their own body, knowing full well the consequences.

Is it because it's not life threatening? Because the vast, vast, majority of NHS treatment is not to save lives.

Having children is not a right but having appropriate medical treatment is.

Edit: I don't think any of those things shouldn't be treated on the NHS btw, I'm being facetious

I could have written this post. I thought about driving into the wall of the tunnel I drove through daily and leaving my husband. It was the darkest time of my life.

I saw the post you're talking about, and while I don't think that would be in their family's best interests, I understand having such a strong desire.

I really feel for you and people need to piss off with their ignorance. ❤️

We had a round of IVF to have DS. I ended up in psychiatric hospital afterwards. We now have embryos in the freezer and I yearn to go back for them but also know that there's no way DP will allow me to risk another psychotic episode. We are phenomenallly lucky to have DS.

I think there's a lot of judgement of IVF from those who found it easy to conceive. Infertility is a disease and IVF is the cure and that's incredible.

I think what you have written brings surrogacy to my mind. It’s hard for me to understand how people can ask another woman to go through a life altering and life threatening experience on their behalf, so that they can have a child. I think the yearning/need becomes so huge that some women can lose sight of their impact on others, and feel that they are entitled to a baby at all costs. And sadly our capitalist society now fuels and enables that, rather than offers compassionate support to come to terms with the grief and loss of the reality of the unwanted outcome.

Bollocks. I'm going to assume that statement was made by someone who has never been blue lighted to hospital gasping for air.

"when does the yearning for a baby become selfish"

I think all parenthood is intrinsically selfish. We do it to satisfy our needs and bring children into a world in which they might really struggle - e.g. illness, mental health, financial hardship, etc.

Part of me regrets having children. I love them so much and worry about the consequences of bringing them into the world.

Surrogacy is a good example of what I mean, yes.

I am not against IVF or older parents up to a certain age, I just wonder if this yearning clouds judgement of whether logically a child is the right thing to do and how far we should take it.

Yes I’ve never experienced this strong pull to have a child so the answer probably does lie in that I don’t know how it feels. Part of me is just in amazement at how far some people are willing to go like that example I mentioned where the lady is solo mum by choice thinking of going for 2nd child (egg and sperm ivf) at age 45/46 and is in a lot of debt. These are the sort of examples I can’t get my head around and the root of it is probably that I just have not experienced this intense desire.

I don’t think you have to know how it feels though. It’s not condemning anyone who has/is struggling with these kind of feelings. But you can perhaps with more objectivity say, for some the yearning is so strong it leads them to engage in actions that are not beneficial for others around them, including the baby or older children. I agree with pp that there are few altruistic reasons for having birth children for any parents.

I experienced the yearning for a baby and had to have fertility investigations as it took a long time to ttc. I was fortunate that natural methods helped and I never needed IVF. But I am a logical thinker and I don't think I would ever have put my need for a baby above the needs of my existing dc, or my relationship with DH.

I have a relative who nearly died in childbirth with her first dc, was in intensive care for weeks afterwards and advised not to have any more dc. She ignored the advice and got pg again, and sadly both she and the baby died. I can imagine she had a level of yearning beyond what I ever felt for having a baby, and I feel so much sympathy for that desperation.

You have acknowledged you have been fortunate enough to have two healthy children that you wanted
that itself rules your out of the requisite degree of empathy and eligibility to comment on this as it does me.
Not a criticism but merely an observation.

I'm deeply grateful that I had children easily and I would have been so very sad not to have been able to have children. Why be unkind and judgemental to people who are already suffering with being unable to have what they want most in the whole world.

You don't need to understand it to understand when to be compassionate rather than judgemental.

YANBU. More and more babies are seen as an entitlement and a commodity