Extent some people go to satisfy their want for a child

[kaffeine123]

This is going to come across as judgmental but I’m finding it a bit shocking the extent some people go to, to satisfy their yearning for a baby.

I’ve read a thread today which made me shocked at some of the comments encouraging this lady to separate and have a second child, even if it ends her relationship and is not in the best interest of her first child! There are other threads like this too.

If you cannot provide for the child emotionally and financially, when does the yearning for a baby become selfish and it should instead be a matter for a therapist to work through in coming to acceptance.

I know someone who is planning her second child at 45/46 which will involve IVF and she is already in significant debt from the treatment for the first and childcare fees. I just think why! Try and be happy with what you have.

I have never felt this level of yearning for a child, but I can only assume it is a feeling so powerful that it makes you unable to look at this logically (am I too old to have a child, can I afford to have another child, is my mental health robust enough to have another child)

@ludocris time, decent housing, good educational and extra curricular opportunities, ability to travel and see things across the UK and the world, to be financially secure should things change. Those are some of the things I have prioritised for my children beyond the basics and why I have chosen to limit my family in order to provide more.

I would also add things like physical and emotional availability for each child, as well as time.

No child wants to feel like mum and dad don't have the time or energy for them because they're spread so thinly.

I would also add security and stability to that list.

Making sure your child feels safe and secure in their own home - something that is often compromised when a step parent is present. Access to activities - not always affordable after divorce. Your child's emotional well being - again, often compromised with a step parent around.

Blended families rarely ever work well for kids and are only ever done in the selfish interests of the adults. So when you leave a relationship because you want to have more kids, you're only doing it to benefit yourself.

So if you can't provide those things, you shouldn't have children, is that what you're saying?

I can’t speak for everyone, but personally I wouldn’t have children if I knew I’d only be able to provide the absolute bare minimum.

In fact, one of the reasons I’ve chosen not to have a family is because I know I don’t have the patience or emotional ability to raise another human being and I believe it would be selfish and unfair of me to do so.

But as I said, I can’t speak for everyone and everyone will make their own choices based on their own circumstances.

So if you can't provide those things, you shouldn't have children, is that what you're saying?

I'm saying that's what I wanted for my children, it's 2024, we have the knowledge and means to responsibly procreate in this country, we can and should think about what we want to provide for our future children.

I have two amazing grown men sons. Neither was planned. I was never interested in children and I’m still not interested in the children of others, but they are the greatest achievements of my life and I still can’t believe how lucky I’ve been. It’s a complicated thing. Should we get everything we “want”? No. Could I imagine life without kids? No, not now they’re adults.

I would also add things like physical and emotional availability for each child, as well as time.* No child wants to feel like mum and dad don't have the time or energy for them because they're spread so thinly.*

Completely agree, not only for children, but for me as a parent it was important to not feel spread thinly.

Well that's absolutely fine and that's what you wanted to prioritise for your (two?) existing children. That's also irrelevant to a discussion about women who are experiencing a strong biological urge to have their first or maybe second child and are willing to make sacrifices in order to do so.

Very judgmental.

You said yourself you’ve never had that yearning so how can you possibly comment? Infertility made me suicidal. Until you’ve walked in those shoes you don’t have a clue what you’re talking about.

I think when a couple don't agree on how many children to have then it can end any relationship. Most of my happy memories growing up were with my siblings and I can't imagine being an only child. Because of this, I think if my partner didn't want a second child then our relationship would be over.

@ludocris "willing to make sacrifices"? Who exactly? The parents or the children? I don't agree with sacrificing the quality of life of a child to meet a biological urge of a parent. I'd have liked a 3rd, my hormones would have liked a third, but my brain and heart engaged for the good of my pre-existing children.

It’s not up to you to decide how many children others should have ‘ now go in and repeat it until you realise you cannot control others bodies

It's easy to say that as someone who didn't have a strong desire for a child while you were sitting on the fence and are now happily sat with a nine month old baby. Maybe try having a bit of compassion for people who desperately want a baby and it isn't happening.

I have 4 and I feel sorry for anyone who is struggling with infertility.

This

It took 4 years and a few miscarriages to have DS in my arms so I do get the drive/ urge/ primal desire.

But in saying that I don't think I'd have left what is a very safe and stable marriage to have a 2nd child, luckily I didn't have to make that sort of choice DH wants a 2nd. But we have both agreed that is it. We had discussed it before marriage and both said 3/4 kids but since having one have agreed for us 2 is enough, some of that is down to how long no 1 took. We are lucky that we were able to agree easily.

I do think at 46 going into lots of debt to have a 2nd child when you have a child you need to look after would be mad.

Surrogacy is something I am on the fence about. I always said I'd do it for my sister, so not for money. If I was to do it for money I think I'd want 200k.

What a ridiculous statement ! My kids adore my partner , my step kids adore spending time with us . Is being together gave them all more opportunities not less . But then again both me and hubby get shocked with most step parenting post on here because we cannot relate to it at all

But you are saying this from the privileged position of having two children! How about if you had only one child and desperately wanted a second? Or how about if you had no children and needed to borrow money for IVF treatment in order to have one?

@Beezknees that was indeed a ridiculous statement. Incredibly judgmental about blended families.

But you are saying this from the privileged position of having two children! How about if you had only one child and desperately wanted a second? Or how about if you had no children and needed to borrow money for IVF treatment in order to have one?

If I didn't have the means to provide the childhood I wanted for my children I wouldn't have had 2? I would always prioritise the child, if I'd have needed IVF for a second we wouldn't have had a second it's as simple as that. I'm not saying it wouldn't be devastating, but I wouldn't get into debt for the sake of a child if it would have harmed the outcomes of the pre existing child or the non existing child.

I'm not saying anyone's body should be controlled, of course not, but I can and do judge people who have made sacrifices on behalf of children for their own urges. It's not black and white of course it isn't, and I agree it's a sliding scale depending on number of children and the subjectivity of what a good childhood is, but there is a huge amount of selfish entitlement having children that I don't agree with. Especially in the context of blended families.

All of the posts on here stating that you have children but you wouldn’t have been desperate for one if you hadn’t had them, does not make sense and is sightly feel missing the point!
The actual fact that you were able to get pregnant and have children is the reason you can’t possibly know how it would feel when you can’t have them……it goes above and beyond hormones and yearning, it’s a deep rooted desire that affects all aspects of your life.

@Katela18, sorry to ask, was the prem/NICU baby your first? My first was born 9 wks prem and IUGR and DP and I are having a big discussion on whether it is sensible to try for a second, especially as I was already medicated the first time around and there is little they can tweak for a potential second time. (Although the consultant seems hopeful for a better outcome nevertheless, despite suggesting the same treatment protocol as with DC.)

I am following this thread with interest.

You claim that those of us who have had kids can’t know how it would feel to have kids. Well it goes both ways. Don’t underestimate the practical thoughts of others. We are lucky to have had 2 kids, but we had valid reasons to agree beforehand to not have ivf or to have kids into late 30s, and there is no way i wouldn’t have stuck to this.

Again this is easy to say when you're in the position of having two children.