Extent some people go to satisfy their want for a child

[kaffeine123]

This is going to come across as judgmental but I’m finding it a bit shocking the extent some people go to, to satisfy their yearning for a baby.

I’ve read a thread today which made me shocked at some of the comments encouraging this lady to separate and have a second child, even if it ends her relationship and is not in the best interest of her first child! There are other threads like this too.

If you cannot provide for the child emotionally and financially, when does the yearning for a baby become selfish and it should instead be a matter for a therapist to work through in coming to acceptance.

I know someone who is planning her second child at 45/46 which will involve IVF and she is already in significant debt from the treatment for the first and childcare fees. I just think why! Try and be happy with what you have.

I have never felt this level of yearning for a child, but I can only assume it is a feeling so powerful that it makes you unable to look at this logically (am I too old to have a child, can I afford to have another child, is my mental health robust enough to have another child)

How long did it take to conceive her? I suspect you fell quite quickly. Those who do cannot imagine what years of trying feels like and how it stays with you.

Hi there, no problem at all.

Yes, the NICU baby was first. We too had a lot of discussions around whether to go for a second at all. I think the difference for us was we didn't have the medication or heavy monitoring with the first as I wasn't 'at risk', so with this in place for the 2nd I did feel ok doing it although I was still very anxious throughout.

We did make the decision in consultation with my Consultant, we had discussed the treatment plan and how they would monitor before I fell pregnant. So I started aspirin fairly early on, had more frequent appointments and also had a home blood pressure monitor.

For me, having the facts in front of me (such as percentage chance of a reoccurrence) helped me make that decision.

I didn't go on to have pre-eclampsia second time round, but did end up with Gestational Diabetes (which I didn't have with first), so it was the addition of this to my risk factors which stopped us going for the 3rd. Baby was born at 39+3 by planned section and was completely fine!

It is a really hard choice to make, feel free to PM me if it helps at all. Best of luck.

I would have

I’ve only just had a chance to catch up on the responses. I agree with most of the posts made. To clarify:

I appreciate I am coming from a privileged position of having a child conceived without IVF.

I have complete sympathy for those who are going through infertility struggles.

I made this post after being shocked at some of the responses on another thread. Without going into too much detail many posters were urging the OP to leave her partner to pursue having a second child (with a small chance of success due to older age). I found it bizarre that people were urging someone to leave an otherwise happy relationship and solid family unit.

While I do have sympathy for those struggling, I do think family planning decisions need to be made with the child(ren) in mind.

Are the following examples advisable or ethical or does the yearning for a child take priority?

1. pressuring your partner to have a child he doesn’t want. Then the children being bought up in a horrible environment where the oldest is resentful and the youngest feels unwanted. I have a close friend who was told by her father many times she was not wanted and it has impacted her life continuously. These actions have long lasting consequences.

2. surrogacy

3. having subsequent children when you are told this could be fatal - not fair on your existing child(ren)

I don’t think there is anything wrong with breaking up with a partner if you want children and he doesn’t and he is wasting your fertile years. But do that for the 2nd and 3rd+ child, I personally do not agree with as pp have also said.

With regards to the other example I mentioned - no I do not understand why a solo mother by choice with no family in the country (hence limited support network) would go into further debt to have a second child at the age of 46. Not when there is already a child to provide for. Others will disagree but that’s my personal opinion.

Nobody is saying they want to control anyone else, but that doesn't mean they can't disagree with their choices.

I don’t have children and I agree with that poster completely.

i know I’m not emotionally capable of raising a child so I haven’t had one. And yes, I did want children at one point and was incredibly broody but I knew it wouldn’t be fair on me or them, so ultimately I decided not to.

I have no quarrel with those who are willing to go to desperate lengths to have a first child.

I am not talking about those women at all when I say I am surprised how many women who already have DC are prepared to put their hormones 100% in the driving seat when it comes to having more. "Sure, it'll plainly be disastrous for my finances and my relationship, and I'm barely coping with the children I already have, but I just want it."

I don't think our every biological urge should be followed. I've for sure felt the biological urge to lamp people one from time to time, but as is necessary for society to function, I repressed that urge.

If those sacrifices negatively affect existing children, it's selfish as fuck and I'd judge.

Completely agree with your every word! (love the user name btw)
This is an interesting discussion.

I have one child and agree with it.

It is not ridiculous at all. Your situation is the exception, not the norm. And sorry, but of course all the adults will say how much the kids love the situation. I'm more interested in what the kids themselves say about it, not the adults.

Not ridiculous. Accurate.

I was the same before my LO, it was made worse after a loss. I had a breakdown and was in hospital. I had never felt so much emotional pain and torment. I felt like i was in a horror movie being mentally tortured, the breakdown made me hallucinate a baby crying and kept thinking it was mine. 😭

It was as if the loss had triggered a maternal instinct and i felt like a loving mum but with no baby. I dont know how to explain it to anyone.

Luckily my husband and I had our miracle and our last one is on the way. (We are getting permanent birth control after second) i am so prone to miscarriages and can't go through it again also don't want to risk going through a breakdown again.

I only have one, would have liked two, but it didn’t happen. And yet I agree with the PP you are replying to. We decided against IVF because of the impact it would have on her and the family as a whole.

So? Just because you want something doesn't mean you should go to any lengths to get it.

Having a baby is not a right.

Surprised at the comments on here. I agree with the OP

@LMMuffet 'would have liked' is not quite what we're talking about here.

@Beezknees what are you basing your generalisations about blended families on?

Step parents on mumsnet do come in for judgement- I’ve frequently read that step
mum should not have had kids if she couldn’t prioritise the well-being of her partners existing kids.

yet that doesn’t seem to apply to mums wanting more children?

We speak with the kids often , they are very vocal and know they can speak with us . I think it’s a lot to do with how people are , we both where very hands on parents anyway . We dont do yours or mine , they are ours , any child that is with us at that moment is our responsibility, none of us ever questions this . Of course my step sons have their mum and I would never want to substitute that but it’s been very important from day one that we get on well and they are 100% welcome at any time and when at ours or on holidays with us they have the same love , attention And care my own kids have . In return I’m lucky that they see me as part of their life and and openly say so .
My step children are older teens now , I truly hope they would be able to tell me if I upset them .

You’re missing the point. I wanted 2 but decided to settle with 1 rather than risk negatively impacting her. The whole point of this thread is about being concerned when people go to extreme lengths to have a child and in doing so, putting their desire above other priorities.

There are loads of studies on it. Look it up. Children of divorced parents fare worse than those whose parents stay together. Children in stepfamily situations are twice as likely to fall outside normal ranges of adjustment than children living with both bio parents. Pretending won't make it untrue.

I'm a single parent by the way, I just don't believe in sugarcoating it. Adults need to actually take some responsibility for their choices and stop whining whenever anyone dare question them.

No @LMMuffet, you're missing the point. This thread is not about individual women who have put practical concerns over their biological instincts to procreate. The fact that you chose to do that doesn't mean it's ok to judge those who didn't.

The NHS funds plenty of other procedures to help people whose condition is not life-threatening but their bodies are not working as they should. Infertility is a medical and mental health issue, and should be considered as such, and be treated on the NHS as far as funds allow.

And then the vast majority of the time the only stories people tell are the IVF successes, or the ‘miracle baby’ - what very few people ever talk about, or think about is the fact that IVF does not work for everyone.

Try feeling like years of trying, multiple IVFs and having to accept it’s just never happening, those who conceive easily have no idea what that’s like and actually neither does anyone who’s been lucky in the long run, no matter how long and hard that journey was.

Absolutely right, it’s utterly ridiculous for anyone to say they fell pregnant easily but wouldn’t have been bothered if they’d never had kids, they have absolutely no concept whatsoever of how they’d have reacted in those circumstances and it’s really naive to suggest they would know how they’d feel.