Extent some people go to satisfy their want for a child

[kaffeine123]

This is going to come across as judgmental but I’m finding it a bit shocking the extent some people go to, to satisfy their yearning for a baby.

I’ve read a thread today which made me shocked at some of the comments encouraging this lady to separate and have a second child, even if it ends her relationship and is not in the best interest of her first child! There are other threads like this too.

If you cannot provide for the child emotionally and financially, when does the yearning for a baby become selfish and it should instead be a matter for a therapist to work through in coming to acceptance.

I know someone who is planning her second child at 45/46 which will involve IVF and she is already in significant debt from the treatment for the first and childcare fees. I just think why! Try and be happy with what you have.

I have never felt this level of yearning for a child, but I can only assume it is a feeling so powerful that it makes you unable to look at this logically (am I too old to have a child, can I afford to have another child, is my mental health robust enough to have another child)

But you say yourself you were fortunate it worked out, so you don’t really know how you’d have felt at that point had it not.

I am aware I am very lucky to have two IVF children but I did have four cycles and two miscarriages. I am sorry it didn't work out for you. It isn't a race to the bottom though. I still have trauma from the years of infertility.

I think that some women have the urge and others don't, I don't and made a very calculated decision to have DC1. Now very much on the fence about trying for no.2 it would be easier if I did have an uncontrollable urge!

YANBU but it’s seen as mean and judgey to have any opinion bar ‘do it if that’s what you want hun’.

I think the most selfish case I’ve seen was a lady who had 2 children and set her heart on a third in her mid 40s. After several years of obsessive TTC, she did IVF with donor eggs and had her third that way. I do wonder how the baby will fare growing up with 2 siblings fully biologically related to both parents whereas half of their DNA comes from an unknown woman abroad. Then throw into the mix both parents are pushing 50 and you have a recipe for an awful lot of uncertainty.

What about someone who made their child's life poorer to pursue a more rewarding career? Or someone who left their non-abusive marriage because they thought they'd be happier alone?

Wow, that’s definitely an example of going to ‘extreme’ measures to satisfy her need for a third baby over prioritising her existing family

This is probably one of the judgiest posts I've ever seen on MN, and that's saying something. 'Obsessively TTC' and 'some unknown woman abroad'. I hope this person doesn't consider you a friend, because that's not what you are.

Obsessively TTC'

But she already had two children. They aren't collectors items

They’re not a friend, they’re a (sort of) distant relative. Why is it judgey, out of interest? Do you think the interests of the child should be considered at all in this arena? Where would you put the line?

And I said AN unknown woman abroad, which she is. What’s wrong with that?

Indeed! Humans have no biological imperative for limited edition stamps!

Sorry this is ridiculous. Logic and being rational can overcome hormones!

@GoodnightAdeline it's judgey because you called it the most selfish case you've seen, and because of the way you phrased it (as highlighted in my original post). You're judging the woman for her decision to have a third child and for the way she has done it. I don't know how to put it any more simply.

Which bits in particular do you find the most selfish? The decision to 'obsessively TTC'? The use of a donor egg? The age of the mother? In what circumstances would any of the above have been acceptable for you? If she'd had no living children? If she'd had one child? Or under no circumstances?

It just beggars belief to me that the decision to make and raise a child can be considered selfish. If we compile some of the comments on this thread, it appears that the only acceptable way to raise a family is to be wealthy enough to be able to pay for your children to travel domestically and internationally and to indulge in extra-curricular activities, to conceive and give birth before you turn 40, to remain in a relationship with the biological father of your child(ren) and not enter into any sort of blended family set-up under any circumstances, and to not take on any debt in order to pursue fertility treatment. I wonder how many people on MN would be disqualified from having children if these were the actual rules?

I have always thought to myself that I will never understand the desperation to have children. Both my children were unplanned - hence why. I was in my early 20s at uni when pregnant with my first and everyone felt very very sorry for me - I thought I ruined my life!

A decade later, now that we are in our 30s, so many of my friends and sometimes even strangers tell me how lucky I must be knowing that I’ve at least had one - it helps that she’s turned out aright - children don’t need fancy things but it’s important to provide stability at least. A close friend of mine told me “you’ve ticked that box - I’m in my 30s and don’t know if it’s going to happen” - most of my close friends don’t have kids and I’ve noticed a panic around the topic now that we are in our 30s - compared to being in our 20s and feeling as if we had all the time in the world.

I see it as a primal thing now. For those that yearn to have children it’s something deep within and it’s been interesting seeing the responses from those that have felt it.

However what I hate is how exploitive some of the fertility “marketing” can be. And the misinformation. Fertility is complex and I hope everyone trying gets the result they want.

Is infertility really a medical condition? Or just part of life?

Why do you think that will be an issue ? You do realise some people don’t care much about dna right ? Or do you think adopted children are less than biological children ? I don’t see anything wrong with what that lady did

Oh don’t even try and play the ‘you think adopted children are lesser’ card because you know full well that’s not what I’m saying.

Were you raised by your biological parents? Do you have biological children of your own?

Yes, I do find it selfish. Do you not ever find other people selfish? I know somebody else who has 5 sons in a 2 bedroom house and she is open about the fact she will keep having babies until she has a girl. Is that selfish in your eyes?

There’s a world of difference between demanding future parents are heterosexual married millionaires in their early 30s, and then saying have a third (not first, third!) child via donor at 48 is selfish. Because it is, and the majority of people you ask on the street would agree with me. She already had 2 children, and rather than focus on them she decided to risk her health and her family’s happiness by adding a huge layer of complication to scratch the baby itch.

I think posts like yours are deliberately disingenuous and defensive at the cost of common sense.

And anyone who prioritises having a second child over the happiness of their first child and spouse is a massive cunt

I have both biological and non biological children as well as step children . Do you think anyone who carried a baby will see a child any different because it was a donor egg or sperm , or both ( as some adopt embryos ) ? I’m yet to know someone who does that

It doesn’t matter how they see the child, it matters how the child sees themselves. Why do you think only the parent matters?

This! Waiting to start IVF now. I have a husband and DSD who I adore, a great job that I love and lovely family and friends. And when I consider the IVF not working my life ahead just looks black and like I couldn’t go on. Seeing a counsellor via my fertility clinic because I know thoughts aren’t ok, but please don’t judge any woman who’d go to any lengths when you’ve been lucky enough to have a child successfully despite your ambivalence.

Oh FFS. Is cancer just a fact of life too?! Infertility can be caused by a variety of treatable medical issues.

This

It's an emotion that you can't control

You sob eveey month you get your period

You are happy for friends who get preg but wish it was you

I know the thread you mean as I replied
On it

It just beggars belief to me that the decision to make and raise a child can be considered selfish

I couldn't disagree more.

Having a child is the most selfish thing we can do. We are totally thinking of ourselves, our wants, our needs. That child wouldn't exist but for our thinking of ourselves.
The "raising a child" bit, yes, I can agree with, that you cant be selfish then if you really care properly for the child. But the "making" bit is selfish

Fostering/ adoption is different. As the child already exists, so you are thinking of another, already born, person.