The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

How's everyone doing?

We are ok. Y11 son has gone in every day and engaged in every single bit of his (very limited, one to one) timetable so far. Such a long way to go and sixth form feels like an impossible puzzle, but things have been so much worse.

We know we'll need to go to tribunal again in the new year. But we've done it before. We have nothing left to lose but our sanity, our mental health and whatever funds we can scrape together!

Thanks for the update @Piony. Same here, limping along in Y11 DD has been in every day, but we've cut her subjects right down and she's only doing half days. 6th form might work, but she wants to do animal husbandry, so a vocational route is looking more likely at the moment. If she gets 5 GCSEs we could think again. Just to see her looking happier and getting into school is a blessing in itself though.

We’re not further forward, unsurprisingly. DD9 ran out of the GP surgery again yesterday. Full blown panic mode. Our FSW has mentioned today if she’s doing it for effect as my eldest daughter is also off at the moment! I know she didn’t mean it in an awful way but it got my back up all the same!

poor girl is terrified.

on a positive note DD14 accessed her first counselling session today through a local charity. I just hope she commits to it!

@ImAlwaysknackered when a so called professional says something as out of touch as 'if she is doing it for effect' you wonder if there is any hope.
Do they know nothing about what they are dealing with? It makes me so cross as though we have got no further.

I had so much hope as well as her own son is autistic!

my child is really struggling with emetophobia. Even if the dog coughs she will get up and try and leave the room. School haven’t helped in that she was restrained so I could leave.

its all a shitshow really

People with autism regularly get accused of manipulative behaviour yet their brain is not capable of choosing to manipulate someone or the situation even if others see their behaviour as manipulative.
My dgs was 5 and in his days of school refusal he couldn't speak it wasn't that he chose not to speak and if I had offered him chocolate hewe are would have jumped up and shouted yes please. He could not speak. Elective mutism was a route we weren't travelling but when my DD spoke to school they didn't believe her.
I have worked with autistic adults for twenty years and all sorts of things like not liking babies being fed in front of them can be terrible anxiety triggers. Older people can use something like certraline to take the edge off their anxiety.
Sometimes you question your judgement and think if I give in this time are we creating a cause and effect. And I truly believe Nd children need support not finger point.💐

Hi there, joining this as I'm at my wits end. DD is 14, in year 10 and has barely attended since the year started. Currently under the duvet in her room, over a week off now, can't even attempt the reduced timetable she's been offered. I've got to go to work now, ex is coming over to sit with her. I don't even know where to start getting help. GP this afternoon, hoping they will give her something for anxiety.

@Icantpeopleanymore really sorry your daughter is feeling like this and for all that comes with it.
Has she been like this before y10?
How was the GP visit?

@Luddite26 couldn't get her to the GP. She just was sobbing in bed, so got a phone call. They've referred her to mental health team at the surgery, want to try for an appointment next week for blood test for anemia and to prescribe her the pill for her period which really affects her mental health. Also medication to help with the panic attacks. Not anti depressants but something else, I'll look it up tomorrow.

I've read every post on here and so much rings true for DD

I'm a teacher and I work with students at school offering art therapy, I've read all the stuff, done the courses, I think I'm pretty aware when it comes to PDA, ASD, etc...but I'm so lost.

She refused first after lockdown, just a few times, but got her in, was fine. Then aged 10, private diagnosis for ASD.
Secondary is a girls grammar, she's very able. Had a few sporadic days off, maybe once a week at some points. Lots of issues, self harm, eating disorder... anxiety.
Then, she mentioned in year 9 that her ankles, hips and knees hurt. Was always very fatigued and could never walk very far, but after taking her to a physio she suggested Ehlers- Danlos. Made sense. Lots of symptoms. Still waiting for an appointment a year later. Mostly fatigue and pain.

She used to have a 50 min walk to school, couldn't do it, so I started taking her, whilst trying to teach in a school 16 miles away..was a nightmare. Lots of refusing as just exhausted from the early drop offs and waiting around for me to get her. Then appealed school transport, got a lovely taxi driver each day..things improved in year 9. She had friends, got a girlfriend, seemed really happy. still having one day off a fortnight. Sometimes more.
Our summer was amazing, she swam, wore shorts, (previously only baggy jeans and huge jumpers, in 30 degrees heat) exposed her self harm scars with no worries, was chatty, bright, funny...played with her 9 year old brother, it was wonderful. Still needed rest days, vomited a few times when really really exhausted, but nothing major.

September came, they was it. Hit a wall. So far, 14 days off. We are at a week now in a row. I had a meeting and they put in a reduced timetable, but she just sobs and panics and I can't move her from bed. I used to try but we had a year of her physically attacking me, breaking shit, biting me, punching me...I can't do it anymore, she hurt me so badly some days, smashed up everything in the house and moreover was just so traumatised.

I've made the decision to not push school next week, my school have been fab, we have a wonderful attendance guy who is really knowledgeable, he's suggested a few things. My headteacher has said they'll support me, but I'm heading of department and I have my classes, plus I teach art and I can't keep setting cover. I used to leave her at home alone if she was ok but just tired, I don't feel like she's safe on her own now. My ex came to work from home at our house today, but she hates that. He also didn't offer her food or anything, once I got home I ran her a bath and made her food and she was fine, we've watched TV, joked, ate sweets, she's been my fabulous girl again.

I'm just lost as to what to do next. camhs are shite, nothing is joined up. School have been ok but not proactive. They told me it was ok to withdraw her from RE lessons to use a sleep room but then the RE teacher emailed me to tell me they wasn't ok and she must do re in the lesson 🤦

I just really struggle with what to do next. Why isn't there just a simple path, I feel like she's got multiple issues and when you go to one place, they send you somewhere else.

I need to focus on her mental health, let her stay home to rest and recuperate, palm school off for now with medication prescription and appointments. I'm knowledgeable enough to tell them to back off, for now.

Then, if I can't get her back in..refer to early help? Ask for the EHCP process? They said before that wouldn't work as she's academically doing ok. She's clearly not now.

Then camhs again? Even though it was a year waiting list and they turned us away as she won't speak to them(or any adult) and they 'don't do autism'

I'm at my wits end, I love my job, I want to continue working, it's just the three of us, we need the income. her dad is a good co parent but he's a robot and just doesn't offer help or suggestions, he doesn't understand any of it. It breaks my heart when she's sobbing curled up in bed every day.

I've cried so much today, I'm exhausted but my brain won't let me sleep. If she goes to her dad's tomorrow I get a night with my partner who is wonderful but doesn't live with us, other than him I have no one. I just need someone to tell me what to do next.

God sorry that was long!

I am so sorry to read your post @Icantpeopleanymore

The only thing I can emphasise is that MH problems may seem school related now but they are still there long after school is a distant memory. I have them bubbling away with DD ATM.
I don't feel I can say anything that you don't know about and there are so many others who have experience on battling the school system now. and EBSAs.
I'm a home educator and we have chosen not to battle again because I feel school would damage the child more. I have previously written on hear about our family experiences and why we are on that path. You are very welcome to PM me anytime. My eldest DD is 35 now and her MH has drained her life.

I don't want to sound like I am just on hear banging a drum for home ed as I am not. But the way you describe your DDS happiness over the summer is heartbreaking. And she will be bright enough to do her own study for GCSEs. Etc.
If school offer her chance to work solely from home for a while maybe that would help her. If you didn't want to pull that side away from her.
It feels like you would be slamming doors and opportunities shut but things aren't going to get her any better right now. It's a lot of pressure.
And probably something you don't want to do.

I am a huge advocate for taking the pill for better period health.
I always thought it was better not to take it if you didn't have to buy I have been taking 2 doses a day for 4 years now and it has transformed my period MH which made me a full on wreck every 4 weeks from the age of 11. So fingers crossed for some success with that which could be having a big impact on her life.💐

@Icantpeopleanymore request an EHCNA now. You can do this yourself. On their website, ISPEA has a model letter you can use. It is nonsense academically able DC don’t get EHCPs. They can and they do. EHCPs are about far more than academic ability.

Alongside this, request alternative provision under section 29 of the Education Act 1996. This should begin as soon as it becomes clear 15 days (doesn’t have to be consecutive. They can be cumulative and don’t have to have already been missed) will be missed and should start by the sixth day of absence. IPSEA also has a model letter you can use for this.

Excuse my fat fingers. Section 19. Not section 29.

Thank you both, and for getting through my essay!

I'm going to give us both a week off from thinking about school this week, I think we both need it. Then I'll request a meeting to ask about the EHCP and if they won't do it, I'll request it myself. I think they don't want to do it because they know they've not tried everything.

I didn't even know there was a sleep room until this week, they've known she is struggling since year 7.

Sun is shining today and hopefully my kids are going to their dad's for 24 hours this evening, so that's something. I can get a break from it all.

I'll look at the request to the LA later on too. I'll also ask school to make an early help request (I couldn't fathom the best way to make a referral myself, I've had them before but was years ago.) and for SALT as her selective/situational mutism is definitely school based, and any other demand of course.

I guess I've just got to stop spiralling into what if, I have a habit of doing that! It's been great to read that others have DC who have managed fine and are thriving despite this. I had periods of school refusal as a child, I didn't do well at school, still got a degree, did well, and am happy so I guess I need to remember that! Ironically I spend all my time in school now 🤣

Something that struck me 12 years ago when my DD was going through the CAMHS process etc is how mental health is talked about - given lip service too but in reality it isn't treated as an illness but as a problem that your child has and an inconvenience.

Sorry you’re having such a rough time @Icantpeopleanymore it is incredibly stressful to deal with!

We are at the stage of applying for a parental ehc needs assessment. Will probably be declined but we will appeal.

I think you’re doing the right thing having a week off from the pressure of school too!

We have had a bit of a rubbish week. The rain on Monday was incessant and really upset GS6 and nothing was quite right again for him all week! He's very sensory and he just couldn't shake the dreadful day off! Poor concentration tiny meltdowns. Even a trip to see the Halloween stuff in the range couldn't cheer him up!
I know it's got nothing to do with EBSA but the lack of decent weather does not help at the start of the week. I am not even a sun person but the lack of it has even got to me recently.

@Icantpeopleanymore I wouldn’t bother asking the school to request an EHCNA. Tell them you will be doing it. Even if the school does request one, it is unlikely to be as quickly as you would do it. Sometimes schools say they will make the request but don’t for weeks/months/terms.

@Luddite26 it is hard this time of year when the days are shortening so quickly. DS (15) has been in the habit of trampolining in the garden after dinner every night, but it's too muddy, cold and dark now and he's not accepted any alternatives we could think of.

@Piony if the cold, mud and darkness is putting DS off using the trampoline outside you could look at a mini indoor trampoline/rebounder if you have the space.

That's a shame @Piony he must have been getting a lot out of that breathing space.

@SearchingForSolitude thanks, yes, they've been reluctant in the past. I think it's because they haven't actually done the things they should have.
I've got both template letters now so I'll get that sorted this week.
I'm going to have to update the absence system every day next week but I've told DD she doesn't need to worry as I've sorted it. Managed to sort her dad being here on the days I need to work and I'm hoping I'll get her to go to my mum's on Thursday as just getting up and getting out of the house would be something. She's at her dad's today, I really needed the break, and I've asked him to not mention school at all.

What do you all write on the reason to or absence each morning? I've been honest so far, either she's in pain or fatigued, non verbal, not able to move, or that she's highly anxious and crying, non verbal, won't move...I've sent some medical evidence, but I wonder if I just say not in a fit mental state to attend as school causes her to be highly anxious and have a panic attack...they might take more notice?

Partly dreading next week but also relieved I've just made the decision not to force her.

@Icantpeopleanymore I would keep the absence message short and factual. DD is unable to attend school because of mental ill health. Mental ill health is the phrase used in the working together to improve school attendance guidance

@Icantpeopleanymore I just put mental health.

We have also had a fit note from the GP in the past, but I don't think she did them a lot for school children.

I hope @Icantpeopleanymore that you have had chance to catch up on your sleep last night.
I hope you can all recover a bit this week and reset as much as possible.
Mental health services are so strained and down right poor in my experience you have to do the nurturing as a parent.

Even the tiniest things may help like making sure she is drinking enough water.