The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

Thank you for starting this thread @BrambleyHedge
My son made it through secondary school and got his GCSEs, but things fell apart in September when he started college. He'd had some of the same friends from Yr 1 to Yr 11 and they had supported him and his anxieties through school, but when they finished their GCSEs, most of them went in different directions, and he was suddenly very alone.
We withdrew him from college just after the Christmas break as he really wasn't coping and turning around and walking home even after I had dropped him off to college. He's now NEET and awaiting CAMHS assessment.
Sometimes it's reassuring to know we're not the only ones.

Mine are primary age and I am already not sure how they will make it to secondary. Both autistic and with motor skills difficulties that make holding a pen, cutting up food, changing for PE etc challenging. There is no alternative to mainstream though. I just don't know what to do or where we end up. I have to work, so how on earth do I manage when they both realise I can't force them? At least with the younger one, I can still pick him up and put him in the car. The quasi military/prison way that so many secondaries seem to be run will be an absolute disaster too.

This is what happened to my dd. She went into 6th. All the friends who’d supported her through school were in different classes. She couldn’t cope without their support.

Just had an email to say my daughters draft EHCP has been done and accepted 🙌.
Now to fight for a decent preference for 16+.
There is no saving year 11 we have accepted that but hopefully we can focus on her mental health for now and get the right education for the next educational year.

Well done. The fight is awful!

But our council have been really helpful since it was instiagted

I honestly felt a bit discombobulated when we got ours. All that fighting💪💪and suddenly it all went just like that. The relief was immense.

Hope it helps you x

It is hard - I also feel like I lose myself sometimes, especially when I have two other DC to look after. People say to me that we need to look after ourselves first before we can look after others but I reality it is very difficult to do that as want to fix things for our children and naturally put them first. It is overwhelming isn't it and there is sometimes no space left for us to just be us.

You are right. This seems very similar. DS is at a grammar school (we are a 30% go to grammar county) but not sure it was the right fit for him with hindsight. Thankfully despite have very high expectations (which didn't help the anxiety), they have been amazingly helpful and understanding with DS, but I also can't see him going to his exams. We are looking at colleges for next year but he needs some GCSEs to get in. And then he still might not go.

Parking arse here.

I might not comment much but I definitely belong here!

Fucking hell it is hard work and emotionally draining.

Great news. That must be a relief.

Edited - that was meant for @Imfedup1989 woops

I wish there was more understanding in education settings about supporting different needs - not good sign if secondaries are already being evasive before he starts. Hope you do get a smaller unit. We don't have any spare places around here which suggests we need more smaller units to be built for those who can't manage 1000 pupil schools.

DH and I have both been incredibly stressed about DDs education and her falling behind. We were talking about it yesterday, we don’t talk about much else at the moment.

I hated secondary school, in my last year doing GCSEs my attendance was 50% and I have a degree now and reasonably well paid job. My Dad hated school and left as soon as he could, he then went on to do a PHD.

I agree with pp that mental health needs to come first, that stays with you long term. Qualifications can come later. I’ve spent the day reminding myself of this.

Just echoing this really! 😫

Joining for the solidarity.
After many normal years, DD started struggling from y11. She still coped with GCSEs though results were not what she hoped for
But boy, 6th form has been awful.
We have gone from 0 to 100mph within months. School is a huge trigger and led to self harm and overdoses.
She is now on reduced timetable and terribly behind in work.
Worse part is she doesn't want to drop out or restart the year in September.
She wants to go to school and be normal but is unable to go in and stay in.
Attendance is less than 50 percent.
We just take each day as it comes.
I have a huge knot every day in the morning as to whether to ask the question if she feels like going in.
Half term next week and I am so grateful..no attendance forms to fill and no question to ask...
Phew
Xx

@11NigelTufnel im reading this thinking the same
i have a y11 autistic dd who has been through an awful time but come out the other side. But although she had friendship problems she is academically brilliant and loves learning so that always helped.

my youngest is 8 and was diagnosed last year. She struggles a bit academically and consistently hates school. I jolly her along but have to physically get her across the classroom threshold and her teacher comes and ‘hugs’ her and physically takes her in. It’s getting harder. Some days she’s kicking and screaming. They tell me she calms down quickly but also have lately been saying she can stubborn about not wanting to do work.

j know what the local secondary is like from my older two. It’s a huge academy. I feel so down when I can see ahead years of unhappiness and school refusal.

should I fight for an EHCP now I wonder?

@DarkChocHolic i really get the they want to but then they can’t. Our school (particularly the headteacher who I am really not liking at the moment) doesn’t get the fact that yes he understands he should be at school full time, yes he wants to be at school full time and would like nothing more than being able to complete the day and walk home with his friends. But he can’t

threatening fining me isn’t going to help. I can’t physically make a 5ft6 180lb 11 year old do anything and neither do I want to because I have seen the dark place he reaches and the effort he is taking to try and get himself out

i wish they said well done for making 3.5 hrs today rather than making him feel it isn’t good enough and he should try better tomorrow

I'd be tempted to try for an EHCP if you think it will be needed. I think we left it too late until things got very bad. We've been told it still might take 12 months to be completed though I hope it doesn't.

Please start the fight now!

It sounds like she is struggling already.

I had this. It’s the change from one key stage to a next. And the increase in demand.

Mine wanted desperately to go in but couldn’t.

I really don't think they should be threatening fines for EBSA. The Councils have teams and advice for this type of thing and ours don't fine or sanction when kids just can't do it. It doesn't help anything does it?

Good morning lovelies...

Here's to another day of trying to get kids in school (or not)

Going back to read the thread to catch up.

My year 10 hasn't been in since September. She's too scared to talk to anyone, she's unlikely talk to CAMHS when they call later. It's so very hard.

Just stumbled across this thread

DD (13) is currently in her room supposedly getting ready for school, but is unlikely to make it, just like every other day this year.

I'm too bloody depressed to explain more right now but I'll hang around and lurk on the thread and maybe pop back on another time.

@WhenWereYouUnderMe

Welcome, we've only just started. Join me on the read and lurk bench.

I'm trying to get my arse into gear to get one child into school before dealing with the fall out of last night's meltdown.

Good morning. Last day of his 'mocks' - hope he decides to go in but it is an office day for me and he doesn't respond as well to his dad trying to get him to go in. Good luck to all who are waiting to see how it pans out this morning.

Does she have situational mutism?