The EBSA support thread (emotionally based school avoidance/absence)

[BrambleyHedge]

Following this thread https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/4996315-a-question-to-all-those-who-think-school-refusal-in-schools-is-increasing-due-to-lazy-enabling-parents?latest=1

I wondered if some people would welcome an EBSA support thread. I haven't seen another one so if there is already one I can delete this one. For those dealing with EBSA - I don't know about you but sometimes I just want to cry and scream with all the stress and I thought it might be healthier to write it down and share with others going through similar issues.

My son is 15 yr 11 and is currently upstairs refusing to go to his mock GCSE this morning. He is too anxious. He is only doing 5 GCSEs and has small group tutoring in his school rather than the normal classes. There are several in his year with EBSA so they have their own group. He is finally being assessed for ASD after 2.5 years in CAMHs list and also finally being assessed for EHCP after mediation due to council refusal to assess. He is what they used to call high functioning but unable to deal with education. I am practically in tears this morning trying to get him to go in. He usually doesn't go in until about 11 so this is early. He doesn't sleep.

So enough about me. If you too are having a crappy morning then please talk.

It would be good if this thread can be for those who are dealing with EBSA. Well meant advice or judgement from others may not always be welcome or helpful. I have tried literally everything over the last two years to get my son to school and am learning much of this is beyond my control. Sometimes there just isn't an answer.

I have put this in Chat for now so it gets seen. It could fit in education, SEN, or some other subjects.

Thank you all. I did, also a trip to IKEA to sort out a table for us to do art work at (I'm an art teacher) and temporarily for my ex to work at for the next few days he's here keeping an eye on her. She wouldn't come down at all on Friday while he was here and we have an open plan kitchen which he was working in, think it was because he's often on zoom calls and she doesn't want to be seen by anyone he might be taking to, so sorted a space for him so she will eat. He didn't make her good or try to get her to shower Friday, hoping he will tomorrow. He's not the most aware of men and has always believed his job is so much more important than mine so I'm just glad he's made this concession at least. I don't think she likes him being here as it's weird and out of context so she will hopefully go to my mum on some days next week, which will involve getting up and dressed and in the car, which is a start.

However I mentioned school in passing as she's dyed her hair red and it's a bit brighter than school will allow, I said it's ok, you've got a week for it to calm down, immediately her face shut down.

Next is deal with the head of RE, who despite having had notice from the head of year that she'll be using the sleep room during his lessons, has said even if I request she is removed from re lessons, she still has to be in the classroom during the lessons to do alternative religious instruction work I provide due to statutory re. I think there must be something in the send policies that would cover her being removed from lessons for send or medical needs? I'm not dealing with him yet as she's not back in school yet anyway but I do not want him causing an issue. He's her form tutor too! Not had any communication from him to date about her absences or asking after her.

Hope everyone else is ok and not dreading Monday too much.

I’m incredibly frustrated.

DD9 was referred to community paeds back in mid July.

spoke to the school today to say they couldn’t send any further info as they hadn’t seen her in school since April time. I rung comm paeds who said they hadn’t had a reply (they did. She just didn’t see it) so she said she’s now asked them for something else! But she also said school said they’ve already done that questionnaire but she says they haven’t!

the communication is so shit.

meanwhile I’ve had DD9 in tears over the idea of 10 minutes in a lesson this week.

terrified she’s going to be sick.

I'm sorry it just isn't getting any better @ImAlwaysknackered . Why can't department's just communicate and look as though they want to help or at least do their jobs. There seems like no light in your tunnel.💐

Honestly that’s exactly how it feels.

we started going in at the end of the day to say hello and ease back in to the building. Some days this goes well others not so much. Today was one of those days. School have basically said there’s an element of defiance about it. 🙄

the head spoke to her quite sternly and she ran off, which didn’t help her course unfortunately.

It's like being punished for being ill. Even with all the so called awareness of mental health and the be bloody kind .

When my eldest grandson was about 7 his mum (DD) was in mental health turmoil. I mean been through all the rigmarole of being sectioned and under mental health teams etc. his head felt she had to report his mosquito bites to social services as neglect I went in to speak to her about DDS MH and said if she had cancer would you look at things the same but no. She really has a dislike for DD and wasn't particularly nice to GS. It was an awful time. SS were already involved she'd attempted to take her own life on many occasions . Oh and he still gets bitten badly by mosquito s.
I've just found schools totally intolerable of any MH problems and totally uncaring.

I feel like DDs school are paying it lip service. My school are doing more than most I think, but then we've had students who have taken their own life which impacted us all horribly, so I think they do take it seriously.

Update for us is DD still off school, however she is now much more back to her old self, showering a bit more and eating. Managed to get her to come with me to collect work she had left at school and to her guitar lesson, which I'm sure did her good.

Senco wants to talk to me as I requested an EHCNA, I'll do it myself anyway but she wants to discuss it ( no doubt try to put me off because they've not really done what they should have) and I think I've got DD to agree to going in for part of the day next Wednesday.

However, her school transport drivers company have lost the contract for her transport, so her lovely reliable driver who made our lives for much easier is now being replaced by random taxi drivers each day. Which means the one might during the week I can stay late, work and see my partner is gone, as our old driver took her to her dad's, these ones won't. Plus the fact that it's going to be random people each day, who won't have any idea where they're going probably, she won't even know which car to look out for at the gates... nightmare. Meant to be starting Monday, still haven't heard anything.

I'm trying to focus on the positives but it's really hard.

She's eating, she's washing and she's done some work, and baking. That's something. Next battle is trying to get her in next week.

Progress is progress! I don’t you realise this until you’re in this sort of situation. So many things can be taken for granted.

baby steps! I’m glad she’s made some progress, good luck for Wednesday!

To everyone posting, I’m so sorry that you and your DC are having to deal with this

Just wondering how everyone is doing with it being the dreaded Sunday night.

I thought I should pass on something called the £2 tuition hub which sort of does what it says.
You pay £2 for an hour's online lesson. If the live ones are full you just get the recorded one. But you have it to access continually.
Just thought it was worth a look for anyone not engaging and school not cooperatung they go right up to GCSEs.
And they're not just for home ed kids they have something called after school club.
😀

Sunday has always been a struggle for DS even before the EBSA started. It's gradually getting worse and I have no idea what tomorrow will hold.

He's a summer born in Year 7. What are my options about dropping back a year? Or could I apply now for a Year 7 place at a different school do you think?

Sundays are usually awful. Constant displacement activity, to avoid homework, then rage and panic about school coming up on Monday.

I would also welcome this thread! EBSA really can turn lives upside down and lead us to living lives which are so different to the lives we expected for our kids and for ourselves. My son hit autistic burnout after masking all the way through primary school. He’s been at high school for over two years and, despite the efforts of very understanding and supportive staff, has never managed more than an hour. There are too many years of school trauma to undo.

We’re now working with the school to do things our own way (we’re fortunate to be in Scotland so no fines or being chased by attendance officers!).

I've shared some of our experiences around school in my blog:

Hi all. Sunday night blues. The day's not been too bad overall but friends talking about GCSE revision really brought home how different our world is at the moment.

@EHCPerhaps how are things generally for you this term?

Was partially full of hope last night that DD was going to try today, it's been nearly two weeks...met with a resounding nope. Pulled duvet over her head, groaning and making her angry noises which means I'm going to get hit or kicked if I push it. Went back in twice, about to try again.

Also checked her attendance app last night and they've changed three of her illness absence marks to unauthorised. I've done nothing different when reporting, apart from being a bit more brief in my comments as I honestly do ont know what to say! Emailed them last night with the guidance.

Had no other contact apart from a lovely medical coordinator replying to me, the senco asking if she could call when I was teaching and possibly a phone call Tuesday but not definite.

Really feeling very down. Her dad is talking about plans to move to an hour away, so reducing contact to every other weekend. Fed up for the kids but also selfishly knowing I'll get no breaks from this every morning is so depressing.

What is the point of marking as unauthorized absence is it to scare parents?

@Witzendy I had 2 August born kids and many people I used to talk to also felt the kids were forever on catch-up. One lady said she felt it was a levels when she finally caught up. I don't think there is a way you can drop there year. You can defer when they are 4 but they still start in Y1.
I used to feel the Autumn born kids used to become leaders in a class when there were the 3 intakes because the teacher had the longest relationship with them.
Statistically I have read, more successful people are born October (whatever success is). And most kids that leave school early are July born.

If I'd started him late he would have started in Year R with the children now in the year below. The system changed the year before him I think.
Currently waiting til lesson changeover to take him in. He feels sick but is trying his best :(

@Icantpeopleanymore that sounds good of your exh. Typical. I would just keep doing what you have been for now as it's nearly half term give her a bit longer you really dont need tge stress.
Would it be worth trying some CPG books for her English and Maths to keep her hand in.
I have a GS just started y10 who has been home ed since October of Y8 and when the home ed lady from the council came out she said that was the year group which most kids were leaving for home ed. For some reason.
GS has been going for a few weeks to college with other home elders but there's far too many and they've had to cut them all down to 1 day from 2.
The main focus is getting English and Maths.
We were doing Science art and cookery. As well and just getting out in fresh air as much as possible and culture/history etc.
But maybe DD could agree to doing English and Maths while not having to feel the pressure if going in. IXL online is good as well.

@Witzendy repeating a year is possible. However, it isn’t common in state schools without an EHCP. Is DS in a state school? Does DS have an EHCP? If so, being educated outside of his chronological year group can be included in there. Although you may have to appeal. It would also need carefully planning because some (I am not saying you do) think it will solve the issues without putting any further support in place when it often doesn’t.

@Witzendy yes it has become easier to delay start, and for them to stay decelerated, which is great but not much help to you now. I think it's not impossible for them to decelerate later but it's very difficult, and it would normally be because you can evidence that they have missed a big chunk of a year's learning. If it's "just" that they've been in but struggling, then more learning support, lower sets etc would normally be the way. The financial argument is worth a try - convince them that a year's extra schooling will be cheaper for the LA than the extensive support he would require to stay successfully in his current year, or the tutoring that he would need if EBSA.

My son has an EHCP and we nearly got him decelerated but that was into a very specialist school that takes mainly EBSA students. Often students don't want to go a year down in their existing school, but you might have a chance at a new school. My son had literally missed 90% of the year.

The bar is very high but there comes a point where you've got nothing to lose so just give it a go. If nothing else it sends the message to your son that you are listening to him and you care enough to try. Also consider online schools or EOTAS where he can have a more bespoke package. Online school can work very well for some - I think my son would be so much happier if he could accept it. Also the homework load and pressure varies massively between schools. Each school is its own little island of "normal", and you can adjust the pressure on the child quite a lot IMO by picking a less pushy school.

Just want to say I think all you parents here are brilliant! A cut above the ordinary. I wish to God my parents had been this tuned in to my emotional wellbeing during my school days! Your children are very fortunate to have such intuitive parents. Good luck with everything!

I'm so fed up, it's affecting my job, my state of mind, everything.
She keeps just staying in bed all day. Was doing some work when I got home just now. I'm going in later tomorrow if she will get up to try tomorrow, all I get is a terse yes if I ask if she's feeling up to it. Every time I do this though I'm using planning periods, or goodwill of others, or calling in for cover. I can't see me having a job in a few months of this continues. I'll have to stop work, I'd be able to pay the mortgage but that's about it.
They've changed the unauthorised absence to Ill now, after my email.
A tiny win I guess.
Just feeling so down and hopeless. I've tried everywhere for support but she just won't engage with any of it.

Totally fine at the weekends, as soon as Monday rolls round, silent, shut down.

@Icantpeopleanymore teaching must be harder to juggle with this than most other jobs. I feel for you.

@NameChangeUser183794639 that's very kind of you but honestly I feel anything but any good at this!

@Luddite26 I am so grateful for your posts. You're always so gentle and understanding.

@Piony thank you that's really kind. I just feel so much for everyone but obviously I'm way out of touch not knowing about being able to go in the year below.
I used to be obsessed as a parent with summer born birthdays disadvantages and I campaigned strongly to do away with the Easter intake.
I remember my DD only have a matter of weeks in reception then expected to be all at the same level for year one and the ridiculous year 2 SATS.
I used to write to different education secretaries if state. I think the last time I wrote was to Ruth Kelly about changing the school hols to the end of June because the kids had sat sweltered in the classroom then it poured down for the school hols! And kids with hay fever doing exams in hayfever season.
I just find the whole of the school system not inclusive!
I feel not enough has been done since the pandemic to really help children settle back in. I wonder even how much COVID has affected some children's brains. I've had terrible brain fog since having COVID in 2020 nobody cares and nobody cares about the kids.
I don't even think much of the catch up funding was used evenly. I remember GS was in y5 in 2020 and never got any help to catch up they just said he was at the level he should be.
I just find EBSA so sad for families. And the link with asd and ADHD is fascinating when you are not going through it.💐

@Icantpeopleanymore does your DD know that potentially you could lose your job?
I know people don't believe such pressure should be put on kids but I would be having a what are we going to do talk.even if it means she has to go to your mums and cooperate with you that way.💐