Replacing direct contact with our young grandson with….any ideas appreciated.

[ArlaRae]

Our ex daughter in law has asked that we no longer contact our young grandson.

We usually send Christmas & birthday presents/cards. We also, as part of a family Christmas tradition send a Christmas/birthday book. If we are on holiday we send postcards. We sometimes send letters.

There isn't a way that we can continue. DiL is not going to pass anything on.

Anyone any ideas to ‘mark’ occasions.
I am concerned that for our grandson contact has stopped suddenly. I wonder what he thinks has happened?

What about when he is a young adult, will he look back and think we abandoned him? Is there anything we can do to assure him that we love him and missed him.

Does your son not parent?

Why doesn't she want you to have contact?

Why does she no longer want contact? Is there only one grandchild involved?

Why has she stopped contact? I suppose you can create a sort of memory box where you can put letters and cards for special occasions and things. Give it to him if he ever gets in contact again, it shows you were thinking of him through the years

Need to understand the context more to comment OP.

Can't you have contact when your son is taking his turn to parent his son?

Do you have any contact with him other than sending presents /cards? Does he know you? Not enough information to comment,

Could you it money in a trust for him every year that he will get when 18?

Why does your DS not have contact with his DS?

I'm assuming he doesn't, because if he did thus would be a non-issue as you would be seeing DGS when with him, and presents could be given then and live at his house.

Use that money to help your son gain access via the courts. Then you can see your grandson on his time

Buy him a premium bond, or put money into an account for him each year at Christmas and birthdays. Then when he's old enough to look you up himself, he'll see that you didn't forget him.

Sorry for this.

Put money in a savings account in his name.
Write birthday cards and keep them safe.

However the "why" is important. Is your son a good father?

While we wait for why your son doesn’t have contact - what about setting up an email address and you send birthday/Christmas emails to that like you would a letter or card, you can send holiday photos like postcards etc as well, and then later give him the address and password when you’re allowed to so he can see the entire history. You could save money that you’d use to buy presents in an account for later down the line as well.

I would write him a letter and put it in a card every birthday and Christmas, and not send it. Keep them for him till he is old enough to choose to contact you, and he will know he is not forgotten.

In principle you can apply for a child arrangements order to spend time with your grandson (directly or indirectly) although it is less straightforward than it would be if your son were applying. If you got permission to make the application, you'd need to show it is in your grandson's best interests. Relevant considerations would include

• how close was the relationship up to now?
• if you do not see your grandson, is there a risk that his links with his paternal family will be severed altogether?
• Has there been domestic abuse by your son to your ex DIL and if so did you enable this by minimising or justifying it?
• If your son is not seeing your grandson because he can't be arsed, will it be more confusing to your grandson that he sees his paternal grandparents but not his dad?
• If it is because he isn't able to (in prison / on bail conditions not to do so / non molestation order etc) then how would you balance loyalty to your son with the need to protect your grandson?

I'd do the memory box and put everything in there.

I'd also save money for him.

The email address idea is also a good one.

To those asking about the son - he could be dead, absent, in prison… any of which could have led to the DIL not wishing to continue contact, however sad for the OP.

Keep writing the letters and postcards and making the photo books. Things can change, you'll maybe be able to forge a relationship with him when he's older, depending on the circumstances of why you're being prevented from seeing him of course.

Email account and photo books great idea, as is a bank account in lieu of presents. I was estranged from my paternal side for years, I missed out on so much. I would have loved to have a photo book of those years, just to fill in gaps and feel like they were still 'including' me.

Agree I would support your son to go to the courts for access IF appropriate.
If not I would write the postcards/wrap the gifts etc… but I would store them for him to have as an adult or if she changes her mind.

I would write once more to the mum to say you are very sad that she has made this decision and ask if there is anything you can do to change her mind. Say that you would like to support her and be a positive part of her and your GSs life. I would keep a dated copy of this email for GS in the future.

listen and respect her answer - if one comes.

if it doesn’t I would keep the things and aim to get in contact with GS when he is 16/18 whilst making yourself completely findable online should he wish to find you sooner.

Why has she asked this and where is your child in all this?

Why? OP has just asked for ideas for ways to mark the occasion, not for advice on how to 'fix' the situation. You're just being nosey.

There must be a reason she has decided to go no contact.

Quite obviously more to this than you have said.