Replacing direct contact with our young grandson with….any ideas appreciated.

[ArlaRae]

Our ex daughter in law has asked that we no longer contact our young grandson.

We usually send Christmas & birthday presents/cards. We also, as part of a family Christmas tradition send a Christmas/birthday book. If we are on holiday we send postcards. We sometimes send letters.

There isn't a way that we can continue. DiL is not going to pass anything on.

Anyone any ideas to ‘mark’ occasions.
I am concerned that for our grandson contact has stopped suddenly. I wonder what he thinks has happened?

What about when he is a young adult, will he look back and think we abandoned him? Is there anything we can do to assure him that we love him and missed him.

Document everything that happened. Keep copies of her emails or letters to you to show to your grandson when he is older. He needs to know who was to blame.

Definitely do that for any future reference but other than that I'd let it go. I appreciate this could be hard if he is your only grandson but I think you are wasting your time and money otherwise, certainly if you know she's going to bin everything.

How did it go from your son almost being the Residential Parent to no contact?

You can easily create an email address
I'm not sure what you are finding difficult
If they ask for specific details use your own

I would create a memory box in which you keep all the cards you would have sent, with the date written on them. Also a bank account separate and with money paid in on each brthday and for Christmas. You can gift the money and the statements to him when he is 18.

Thinking those you love have disappeared isn't healthy.

…Yet you’re very low contact by choice with your own son. Is your DGS your chance to start again on a shiny new penny rather than bother with the son you actually have?

Its very important for DGS to have connections to both paternal and maternal sides...if he wants that oc and is old enough to not be swayed by adults. The problem you have here is that you havent seen your DGS in 2 year...youd have limited argument in court. I took my daughter to court to see my grandson, she was in a DV situation, i wasnt going to leave my grandson without my support. I was consistent, seen him very regularly and he adored me, i was one of the pivotal adults raising him .. i was granted access by the courts..consistency is key, stability for DGS, sadly for you because there's been limited contact without you making a physical effort or legal one (with respect), youve in reality no chance.
Its best to save cards as others said, or set up trust fund.. and give to DGS when older or in will

OP, you posted about a week ago saying that DIL offered you contact as long as you didn't pass on information to her ex-DH / your stepson, with whom you said you barely have contact with yourself. What has happened in the last few days for her to cut off contact?

I agree, all this "the child has rights..." can mask the fact that rights and what's in the best interests of the child might be completely incompatible. Too much store placed on child's rights, tainted by family members' own personal agendas, opinions and perspectives.

As long as the child is happy, getting on well at school and feeling loved by their primary care givers, that's their centre of gravity at that age, and the most important thing especially when there's such a complex history of fractured relationships - that child is better off completely out of it.

A legacy in the form of a trust fund as a bequest is far more practical and beneficial than a bunch of emails written as a cathartic moment for the sender not the recipient.

Thank you all so much for the range of advice.

Too many questions to answer them all directly.

The priority in this is DGS, a child aged 6.

I can certainly see that DiL does not have to include us, even if an arrangement was that we would travel to DGS. In the past, we have met half way to eat and do something together, us DiL and DGS. ( park, theatre, zoo etc).

As DiL wants us to end all contact ( informed by WhatsApp group) following gifts sent at Christmas as normal. We sadly, have no choice. There hasn't been any fall out leading to this, we've continued with the pattern of gift giving throughout. We are more than happy to see DGS more if DiL was also happy for this to happen.

Time passes quickly. As a young adult DGS will be able to make his own choices. We will be there for him should he wish that to be the case and we will be able to show that we cared so much for him.

I already have photos of all gifts sent. The parental alienation and court decision that the child hadn't seen his DF is that it us not in DGS’s best interest to rebuild contact given the gap created by DiL frustrating contact. This was always going to play out to us too.

Our DS should have planned his life better after his marriage break up. We advised he focus on contact with his DS, supported him with a deposit for a rented flat so that he could do that. Offer stability and routine. Starting another relationship hasn't helped this situation, though of course DiL did the same in what was the family home (now sold).

DiL and I had a really good relationship, we sometimes met with our DGS, she would drive to my work and we'd go out from there.

Just a complete mess, leaving a young child with only half of his family.

I haven't posted about this prior. I can see from other PP’s that we are not the only ones going through this.

I see through my work the impact of parental MH and instability on children. How children feel about themselves, internalising that the people they loved, seemingly don't love them anymore, that they are no longer in their lives. So sad that this I happening in my family too. The usual grief is tangible, just like the ending of any relationship.

We will lodge information with our family solicitor. We will save all cards, and money. We will write to DiL ( WhatsApp app now blocked) and let her know that this is the case. Better to be clear and open. We will reiterate that we love our DGS and will continue to do so. He will always be part of our family, missed by us, aunts, uncles, cousins and his half sibling.
We will also include some medical history, linked to the male line.

We have one open Facebook post, sharing a time when we did see our DGS. We will repost this every year on his birthday, so that in time DGS will be able to see these. He carries our family name, of course, so it will be easy to find.

I would really like to do more ‘in his name’, ( without making a big deal) something useful. DS has contact with DGS school.
How would it be perceived if we were to buy something for the school twice a year - birthday and Christmas, something that can be used by other children now?
Or perhaps a donation/gift to a charity? Details could be included in the information the solicitor holds.

Any other creative suggestions welcome, we feel quite useless and disposed of. Some good to come from this would be a much more positive resolution.

I think that you're trying to be accepting of a difficult situation.

However, making long-term plans, lodging things with a solicitor, figuring out how to set up gifts to a school, these all assert your continued prescence, and are actually quite forceful in NOT honouring your DiL's wishes.

I think you're not allowing for change over time. If you respect what DiL has asked of you, and genuinely back away; then DiL will have her needs met (which supports your grandson), and will be more able to trust you. You will then be in a new reality, with new possibilities for contact.

First you have to wholeheartedly honour her wishes.

You are right with your decision @ArlaRae. It is very sad and it is happening in many families. People move on and it feels like you are being erased. But the love is still in your heart and all you can hope is there may be a change of heart by his mum if you do as she asks. Don't push things now. And hopefully at some point he will find you on social media.x

we feel quite useless and disposed of

everything you've posted in your latest update is very level headed and thoughtful, if you don't mind me saying. The only thing that doesn't sit well is your above comment because your personal feelings of being "disposed of", whilst very painful, should not be driving your actions. It shouldn't be about you (sorry).

if you want to give something to the school, please consider doing it anonymously, or saying to the school that you don't want to be acknowledged publicly for any donation. I sense you want to donate as an indirect message to your DGS, when whilst I'm sure it is well-intentioned and out of love and kindness to your DGC these gestures often come with unintended emotional strings attached. It may be completely misinterpreted by your DIL and cause further avoidable consternation.

Definitely agree @Stravaig the DILs stated wishes need to be honoured including "in the spirit of", hence school donation isn't appropriate unless it can be guaranteed anonymous, so there is no misinterpretation about contact via the back door so to speak. Anything to benefit the children of the school without attribution is a kind thing to do.

Thank you for your positivity.

Yes, we will of course put our DGS first. We know, sadly, we have to accept the situation.

There is a definite sense of being disposed of though. Life moves on, we are no longer wanted in our DGS life. He has a new extended family.

Although DGS trump everything, we are allowed our own private feelings too. We wouldn't be human if we had no feelings at such a huge loss.

You have no choice but to respect her wishes. Your son hasn't given up on his child if he still is a contact for his school and makes time to meet his teachers. Your Dil will have a lot of explaining to do later on about his dad. If your son did everything you suggested she would have destroyed him maybe it's a good thing he has continued with his life. She wants to continue with her brand new life without you and your son in it.

Do you see your son's new child?

I fear your DS has not been wholly honest with you about the court decisions. If alienating behaviours on the part of DIL were considered to the extent of considering a change of residence it seems wholly improbable that the case would end with a decision it's not in DGS's best interests to even begin to rebuild the relationship with a keen father - even if slowly, even beginning in a contact centre - at the age of just six. I think the part where you said your DS had "given up" may be more accurate.

I'm not saying that to be mean but because if your DGS does get in contact later on it is important that you do not romanticise the parent who gave up on him and blame the parent who did the hard work of raising him. That can also be confusing and harmful.

That being said, having a little treasure chest of cards and memories for him as PP have suggested is a really nice idea. And I can entirely understand your grief at the loss of the relationship.

I had a friend who was alienated from her father. Her mother told her all sorts of lies about him but she was still curious because her mother was a selfish woman only thought about herself and her man in her life. Her mother couldn't cope with raising her and eventually she was put in respite with another family in the local area. Anyway SS contacted her father (the waste of space) and her mother for a meeting in the respite home she was living in. Her father came forward and said he will be happy for her to live with him. My friend rushed for the chance to live with her father and went low contact with her mother. This happened 25 years ago I guess she was lucky to have him back in her life from a young age.

It takes two to make a toxic relationship but only one to fuck up a child emotionally. Op your son and Dil was in a toxic relationship and unfortunately your grandchild will be the one who suffers from attachment disorder because of his mother who is holding grudges and not thinking about her child.

No, the child does not have a right to relationships with their 'entire family.' That is not a right that exists in law, and it is certainly not something that should happen if it is not in the best interests of the child.

Just because you spawned a child, doesn't mean that you have a right to a relationship with their spawn.

The OP needs to focus on fixing her relationship with her child. Her son should then step up and take responsibility for his family's relationship with his child.

Here's another thought op maybe the only reason why she wanted you to see her child was because she thought you would help to build bridges between her and your son so they can coparent?

You have only thought about yourself and not about your grandson and what's best for him. That's the only reason I can come up with why she would want you in her child's life. You're not playing ball and bringing her son and your son back together harmoniously. Your son has remarried and had another child if there was something wrong it would have been flagged up.

I think I am in agreement with other posters you are the problem. I can say she is the problem and will be the cause of all his mental health issues but that doesn't explain why she allowed you access and then suddenly stopped. You're not playing ball and building bridges with your son to bring him closer to his son you are thinking of yourself.

It's the UN Convention on the Rights of Children which UK ratified in 1991. Article 9. You are however right that this is explicit only of the parents, rather than the wider family.

When people want to move on however useful you may have been, if more useful people come along, it is easy to erase the people who are no longer needed.
Meeting up is time consuming new life beckons.
Grandparents have to suck it up and keep it in their hearts that the child is hopefully happy and flourishing. Hopefully the memories are strong enough for the child to know they were loved. Who knows what will happen. But if the parent has said no more contact anything else is only making a nuisance.

DiL doesnt want to build any bridges to Co-psrent. If she did she would have supported the contact the courts first put in place rather than being at the point of the court examing parental alienation.

DiL and DS are adults. They don't need me to work as a ‘go between’, we woukdnt want that, they woukdnt want that. We have very much kept out of any agreement and disagreement between them as this just complicates and becomes an unnecessary round of other adults views and opinions.

I'm not sure why you think that I am the problem….( not that it matters). This thread is about seeking advice to move on and maintain a connection that DGS can, if he chooses to find out in the future, be assured that his DF’s family, loved him very much and didn't choose to walk away from him.

Why not set up a bank account or put money in trust for him to access at 21 or 30? Even if you are no longer here a solicitor managing the trust will contact him at the appropriate time. Whatever conclusions he may have drawn about you (influenced by his parents no doubt), when he realizes that you set it up and paid into it and maintained it all those years he will know that you loved him.

You need to support your son the only way you will see your grandchild is if you support your son. She alienating her child's father from seeing his son did that not ring alarm bells for you. Was you hoping to pretend that you didn't give birth to your son and you're the better role model who should still get contact. The child deserves to have both parents in his life she's abusing her child. You pretending that you had a good relationship with your ex Dil she didn't feel the same. You are the problem if you don't see this woman for what she is and support your son.

You cone across as very over bearing and thinking you have done nothing wrong