Replacing direct contact with our young grandson with….any ideas appreciated.

[ArlaRae]

Our ex daughter in law has asked that we no longer contact our young grandson.

We usually send Christmas & birthday presents/cards. We also, as part of a family Christmas tradition send a Christmas/birthday book. If we are on holiday we send postcards. We sometimes send letters.

There isn't a way that we can continue. DiL is not going to pass anything on.

Anyone any ideas to ‘mark’ occasions.
I am concerned that for our grandson contact has stopped suddenly. I wonder what he thinks has happened?

What about when he is a young adult, will he look back and think we abandoned him? Is there anything we can do to assure him that we love him and missed him.

This is all very sad.

I’d open an account and put the money you’d have spent on presents in there, so you can get him something when he’s older. If there are things you’d have bought him to mark birthdays that he’ll be able to use later, eg a watch, do that.

Write him Christmas, birthday and congratulations cards and emails as you would have done. Stay in touch with your DS so you know what’s going on. Share your news a couple of times a year. Put all the cards in a box.

Make a yearly online archive of photos.

I hope things get better

@Karensalright not always if the relationship had problems then there could have been cheating. She needs child maintenance from him after all why would she say anything. The whole story sounds cruel and I would question whether he is or not the father.

I would as StBrides says make book or box with memories of your parents/ grandparents. There are online companies who will send you emails and compile books. You can get copies for your other grandchildren too. This is the sort of oral history that he will miss out on by not having access to you or ds and you need to be prepared for the eventuality that he might not be back in touch until he is much older or you are not around to pass the memories on.

If you decide to send birthday/Christmas cards you can always keep a duplicate version if his mother is not passing them on.

I would try to make sure you build your relationship with your ds if you can because that is the most likely way you can keep informed of your grandson's life.

Your DIL has thus far facilitated contact between her DS and you, which was very good of her when your son won't. Have you been appreciative of this and supportive of her?

I take with a pinch of salt the idea that she has blocked contact with your DS and his son for no reason, due to the fact she has been facilitating the relationship with you. I would also be dubious about your son 'almost' being the resident parent.

Are there any bridges that you can mend with her? What has happened recently (honestly) to make her think her efforts are not appreciated?

We have the same problem. Haven't had contact for8 years. I did send birthday and Christmas gifts. Also bought clothing frequently. However we discovered that my sons ex would throw them away. So we stopped as the gifts were expensive. I then started sending emails to myself addressed to our grandson. On his birthday snd Christmas. Plus other emails telling him what we were up to and how we wish he could visit us etc. He is now 12 so in 2 to 5 years he will be old enough to decide if he wants contact or not. As soon as he has an email address I will forward him all of the emails I created. It's sad women who use their child or children as weapons are evil. Just know you are not alone there are a lot of us in the same situation. It's hard but until they grant grandparent the right to see their grandchildren our hands are tied.

I photographed every gift we ever sent date stamped.

@Karensalright I arrived at this conclusion because the story just doesn't add up.

If the son is a great bloke and a great father, why don't his own parents have a relationship with him?

There are two options:
A) the son ISN'T a great bloke and father, or
B) the son IS a great bloke and father

If it's A) then I can see why his own parents fell out with him, but then slagging off their ex-DIL when their son is the problem isn't going to make her want to arrange visits and contact for their GC/her child. It's perfectly understandable for her to restrict contact to a man who behaves so awfully even his own parents cut him off, and awful that his parents make her out to be a bitch for doing so when they themselves can't even stand to be around him.

If it's B) then the great son has fallen out with his own parents, but if he's great his parents (the OP) must be the problem and that's why the ex-DIL doesn't want them to have contact with her child.

Cannot set up an email address for a child.

They have both remarried and created more children his new wife doesn't think so. The op has low contact over something that happened financially.

“DS has had contact frustrated by DiL. It appears he has given up and financially can't fight any more.

DS & DiL have both remarried, both have another child in their new marriages.”

I don’t see how both those things are really true. If you can afford to remarry and have another child, you can afford to continue to push legally for contact. Even if that is frustrated, it would show how son (if he did look for him later) than he didn’t give up.

It sounds really hard on you, I’m sorry. I suppose if you don’t even want much contact with your son, you can see why she’s not prioritising contact with grandparents 3 hours away. She’s trying to cut all link to him I suppose. But really hard on you.

I would put a card into a shoe box every birthday and Xmas, and present money into an account. Or premium bonds in his name, numbers into the shoebox too. You just want to demonstrate that you thought of him - so you don’t need to do a lot.

The positive thing for you about social media these days, is you can make yourself easy to find. For next years, I’d set up Facebook profiles that are completely open, photos that help to show who you are if you have a common name. Home town in the profile if that helps to identify you. Then occasionally post something to keep it active. Not about family. Just photos of pets or landscape or whatever.

I hope long term you get a happy ending.

Can you keep a book documenting your lives that can be read later when appropriate. Any gifts could go into premium bongs - I'm sure they will be massively grateful

Eh? You can set up an email address using any name you want.

@hardknocklifeforme 😂 what a typo

Don't think so you have to qualify it with the address date of birth of the person etc etc. I know I have tried.

@Carpediemmakeitcount so by your logic, every married man is a great husband, father & person?

Which points towards Option A - he's not a great bloke then doesn't it

I am sure he will be grateful in receiving his first premium bong as long as the op remembers the snacks and he will be sorted.

Ex wife is a wonderful woman???

Put whatever address, DOB etc you like. I've done it. I didn't fancy giving Google all my details for no reason, just so I could have a YouTube account. I've got a Gmail address in a fake name, don't think I had to provide anything else but if I did that'll be fake too. A real phone number if they sent a passcode or something, that's all.

Ex wife is blameless and a wonderful woman and mother?

For an email address? 🤨
Give me his name and I can give you an email address in minutes. (I’m not actually going to)
He won’t know it exists though.
He’s 12 - I’d be surprised if he doesn’t already have one, actually.

I have never entered my postal address for an email address. Are you talking about setting up a bank account?

Sorry but we tried unless you give all the information to Google they refuse. Not saying I disbelieve you but I can only go by my exoerience.

@AshleyBlue with all due respect to you, and i mean that. You cannot refuse any kind of legacy on behalf of your child or any financial gifting during a grandparents life time. That is not within your control because even though they are a child they will in due course become an adult, an it is there’s to accept or refuse.§

I was probably guilty of this myself, but children are not an extension of ourselves, they are on loan to us.

if we decide to isolate them from their wider family then we need a bloody good safeguarding reason. If they are awkward, history of poor parenting etc, then in my view and experience we have to suck it up and mange our awful parents and in laws as best we can. We have no right to deprive our children of relationships based on our own struggles with our own parents.

As it turned out my mother and step dad are much loved by my adult children, despite my own misgivings.

My father in law and his wife not so close but they knew them and were able therefore to decide how much to see them when older.

there is always a danger that a child becomes a cats paw for parents with valid grievances. But it does not sit well with me