Replacing direct contact with our young grandson with….any ideas appreciated.

[ArlaRae]

Our ex daughter in law has asked that we no longer contact our young grandson.

We usually send Christmas & birthday presents/cards. We also, as part of a family Christmas tradition send a Christmas/birthday book. If we are on holiday we send postcards. We sometimes send letters.

There isn't a way that we can continue. DiL is not going to pass anything on.

Anyone any ideas to ‘mark’ occasions.
I am concerned that for our grandson contact has stopped suddenly. I wonder what he thinks has happened?

What about when he is a young adult, will he look back and think we abandoned him? Is there anything we can do to assure him that we love him and missed him.

It certainly is important to have more context here. Not being nosy at all but the OP has asked whether the child will think they abandoned him? All depends on what led to this point doesn't it?

Just know you are unlikely to succeed and it will be the absolute death of any chance of reconciliation with your grandsons mother.

Lots of 'missing missing reasons' here.

She's a single parent, why would she cut off anyone who was supportive and kind towards her?

Were you supportive kind and respectful of her OP?

I think the reasons why your DIL has stopped contact is quite important.

i am going to assume for the purposes of this post that you have done nothing to cause this. So that being the case, in your boots i would write a note to him for every Christmas and birthday and any other significant events and keep them in a safe place, plus some photos and whatever else.

I would open a bank account in trust for him and place a sum of money for each birthday and christmas.

I would make the letters part of this trust. I would also set aside an amount for a tracing service

I would then have a will written up and make him a beneficiary of a significant part of my estate, maybe your sons share, and, ensure that there is a provision in the will to pass to him, a letter that will be more significant as time passes.

I would also include in the will what i felt about losing him but not be mean about mum.

Once i had done all of this i would politely write to his mum and express my sadness but accept her decision. I would tell her that my door would always be open should she change her mind.(I would keep a copy)

I would let her know that significant provisions will be made for him in my will, and that upon his majority the trust fund will be available to him and your letters for what would have been sent to him, had this not been her decision.

I would also let her know i will make no criticism of her anywhere.

That might bring her to her senses if you are innocent of wrong doing. And if not he will know you loved him when he is grown.

I have given this advice to my embittered mother who cannot see the harm my brother has caused, and has made things so much worse for herself

I would definitely open an account for them.

Money is so important and showing that you’ve saved up (doesn’t have to be a lot) every year, shows that you’ve been thinking about them and will also help them out.

I’d also buy a card and stick a photo of yourself in it every year and put it in a special box.

When they get it, they will see that every celebration they were thought about and can see you and how you looked at each celebration.

I thought it easier to use this list to answer PP’s.

1. Initially we saw DGS as often as possible, they live 3 hours away, so due to the adults jobs, at least every school holiday with some day visits, birthday visits too. Since DS divorce we haven't seen DGS for 2 years
2. We are the last of the links with DGS’s paternal side.
3. No DA. Some rows and issues on both sides. We supported both adults at the time, including supporting them both by paying for counselling.
4. DS and DiL have attended court. Parental alienation considered and DiL was on the verge of RP being awarded to DS.
5. Both adults have MH concerns.
6. DS has had contact frustrated by DiL. It appears he has given up and financially can't fight any more.
7. DS & DiL have both remarried, both have another child in their new marriages.
8. DS attends his DS’s parents evenings and receives school reports.
9. Nothing criminal and no criminal record. All adults hold full time professional jobs.
10. We have very low contact with DS, our choice, caused by financial Issues not linked to this.

We would really like to continue and build contact with our DGS. We know we have few if any rights.

We don't want our DGS to grow up thinking we didn't care or abandoned him.

That is so sad. Just what we want to try and avoid for him.

I really like the email idea. Then use it to send email cards on those occasions so in the future he can print them off or at least view them and see he wasn't far from your thoughts.

You don’t really have a relationship with your DS (who should be the one facilitating your relationship with his son) and your DS does not see his son. This is not normal at all. It sounds very much like history repeating itself and I would imagine that sensibly your DIL is trying to shelter her child as much as possible from all this turmoil.

What you do is respect her wishes as his primary parent. Please don’t try to send cards or gifts. It’s upsetting and confusing for the child. Children aren’t harmed by not having family in their lives - they’re harmed by having inconsistent, confusing, unreliable relationships. If you want to put some money aside in a savings account, do that. But only ever offer it as a gift later on if you have a proper close relationship in the future. Don’t attempt to re-appear years from now with money as a way to re-start contact. Accept that you may never give it to him, but think of it as a bonus if you do.

My children have no contact with their grandmother (for good reason, her partner has sexually abused children and she tried to facilitate his access to my children). There was a time when she used to try to send them cards and gifts or to get information or photos of them (she had a friend stealing my photos from social media to send her). It caused an enormous amount of stress and also confusion for my dc - they didn’t understand why she popped up sometimes and then disappeared for months. Actually now that we haven’t heard from her in a year, it’s been so much better for them and they’ve been so much happier. I do fear that she will appear one day with money to give them when they are older as it’s such an unhealthy approach to a relationship - money over their actual emotional needs. She would gladly swoop in years from now with money and gifts, even though she chose to not have a relationship with them (given the option of keeping her partner or keeping her grandchildren).

This is why I say if you choose to put some money aside for him, only offer it one day if you actually have a full and healthy relationship with him. Otherwise, it sends the message that money and a grand gesture is more important than a loving relationship. If there’s no relationship, the gift is worthless and will cause more harm than good. Unless you suspect abuse, the best thing for a child is a good relationship with their parents if both are healthy and capable of being a good parent. Anything else is a bonus.

That being said, if you want to do something for your DGS, I’d work to heal your relationship with your DS and support him to heal his relationship with his son.

@mindutopia you are right about your own decisions. But wrong about money. In other circumstances than yours. (Which BTW is awful)

my children barely knew my grandad but he left them a legacy that meant so much to them as adults.

It was very healing for me to know I had not been forgotten by family who became estranged after my parents divorce. A cache of cards written to me over the years would have been a wonderful thing to have. And putting money in an account is a great idea.

@ArlaRae The whole point of my post was that if you are very careful in your approach she may well think again because in the future she will have to explain herself to her son, and it will not go well for her if she has any foresight.

it might not work but at least as a grown up he can make his own choices and might find his way back to you. I know it might seem a long time ahead but it really is not. Lay a path back to your door.

Have a Memory box with cards for every birthday and Christmas, and photo books would be special, and sending an email every week and some photos and videos to an email account as well.

Without meaning to sound morbid, I think you should specifically mention both of those things in your will, as well as giving necessary details (eg password) to a couple of trusted friends.

What does your son say?

I'd fully agree with @mindutopia that she's trying to protect her DS, and while that is heartbreaking for you, I think you should try and accept that.

Contact with you but not their actual Dad is likely to be even more confusing and frustrating for them.

My DS has no contact with his grandparents because my DH has gone very low contact with them. He hasn't gone no contact because he still carries a lot of guilt from an emotionally unstable, controlling childhood. I don't think his parents meant badly, but we are where we are. Even if DH started seeing his parents more, DS would not. It's far more damaging for there to be inconsistent and unreliable relationships than for him not to know his grandparents. He's still a toddler, and he's become aware that other people have grandparents, but he doesn't question why he does not. It would be more difficult if he suddenly knew he did have them, but then they stopped being around, especially as he gets older.

Take photos. Write him letters. Save money for him in an account, instead of buying presents. None of those are intrusive to your DiL, and none of them risk upsetting your grandson, but all will mean that they will know you didn't forget them in future years.

I think it's sad when a parent for no good reason uses a child as a tool to beat the father or grandparents with. For your son to almost get PR for their son she must have been awkward to deal with. I would build bridges with your son and help him. Hopefully one day you will see your grandchild.

One of the things we have been very careful about is being in and out of our DGS life.

Up to now, the written and gift contact has been ok, enough so that DGS know who we are and can relate to the time spent with him, including theatre and sporting trips.
We also continued to meet him with his mum.
We would have worked to build that contact steadily and routinely. He hasn't decided he doesn't want to see us or be in contact. His mum has decided that.

The request to stop all contact has come as a surprise. He will always be our family, he will always be linked to us. We want him to know we didn't just stop.

Attachment disorders are damaging too. Thinking those you love have disappeared isn't healthy. We want to do the best we can by him.

You have posted about this before, I think?

Your reference to attachment disorders reminded me.

I'd be tempted to continue to send cards tbh but I agree with other advice: open a high interest savings account for him, keep a memory book and take lots of photos.

Write letters to him to save in a memory box / place with your will because one day thst correspondence will be very precious to him. Write about shared memories as well as any news you have to share and - importantly - your pasts and family history.

I'd also consider buying special timeless gifts for special birthdays so that he has something to treasure when he's older. Cufflinks, a watch or books that mean something to you.

You are dealing with someone who is unreasonable. Are you sure the child is your son's. Does she feel guilty maybe that's why she doesn't want you near her son because she has to pretend. Was she cheating on him during the relationship.

Definitely put money aside for him that he can only access when he is at an age that his mother can’t get her pesky fingers on it.
Include him in your will (as above).

You're making your own inability to have a relationship with your son your ex-DIL's problem.

Your son needs to start regular contact with his child, you need to repair your relationship with your son and then you can see your GC during his contact time.

This is not your ex-DIL's problem to resolve. She probably divorced your son for similar reasons as the ones that leave you unwilling to have a relationship with him.

Equally, you've obviously done something that means your ex-DIL feels it's easier/nicer not to have you in her life than in it, as if you had a good relationship with her, she'd be happy to see you and give you access to her child.

If you stop falling out with people then you're more likely to have contact with them.

@Carpediemmakeitcount kinda daft thing to say since if mother was resisting paternal contact that would surely be the first line of defence.

@Ju1ieAndrews not clear how you have arrived at this conclusion

Are you the same poster who posted recently about ex DIL being happy to facilitate a relationship but only the basis that your (step)son and his mother weren't passed information as they'd used this to bully ex DIL in court?

A legacy is different though, it's truly just a gift.

Money given whilst the giver is alive, but you have no/almost no relationship with them feels different. Like there's strings attached. You're damned if you do accept and damned if you don't. Either feeling the weight of whatever the hopes/expectations are or feeling/being seen as/treated as rude if you refuse. Both can generate anger towards, annoyance at and dislike of the giver, because without their attempts to forge a relationship through using money those feelings of being weighed down or being rude would not exist. That's without the added dimension of if you suspect they're actually trying to blatantly buy your affection/company, then any negative feelings towards them become ten times worse.