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Original poster

Replacing direct contact with our young grandson with….any ideas appreciated.

217 replies

ArlaRae · 06/01/2024 19:20

Our ex daughter in law has asked that we no longer contact our young grandson.

We usually send Christmas & birthday presents/cards. We also, as part of a family Christmas tradition send a Christmas/birthday book. If we are on holiday we send postcards. We sometimes send letters.

There isn't a way that we can continue. DiL is not going to pass anything on.

Anyone any ideas to ‘mark’ occasions.
I am concerned that for our grandson contact has stopped suddenly. I wonder what he thinks has happened?

What about when he is a young adult, will he look back and think we abandoned him? Is there anything we can do to assure him that we love him and missed him.

OP posts:
Breezy1985 · 07/01/2024 02:52

Pinky2121 · 07/01/2024 00:22

For a child not yourself that's dispicable. 😡

Dispicable? Really are you ok?

All the PP have been correct, you can set up any email with any name you want without giving them all your information.
Lashing out isn't going to change the fact you're wrong 🙄

Wokkadema · 07/01/2024 02:56

ArlaRae · 06/01/2024 22:36

One of the things we have been very careful about is being in and out of our DGS life.

Up to now, the written and gift contact has been ok, enough so that DGS know who we are and can relate to the time spent with him, including theatre and sporting trips.
We also continued to meet him with his mum.
We would have worked to build that contact steadily and routinely. He hasn't decided he doesn't want to see us or be in contact. His mum has decided that.

The request to stop all contact has come as a surprise. He will always be our family, he will always be linked to us. We want him to know we didn't just stop.

Attachment disorders are damaging too. Thinking those you love have disappeared isn't healthy. We want to do the best we can by him.

Attachment disorders are mostly about the child's primary caregiver though... not a grandparent who stops sending birthday cards. I agree it's sad and confusing but perhaps the child's mum has given some sort of explanation... obvious I don't know what but it could be as simple as 'grandma and grandparent are getting older, it's hard for them now'. I know that's not true but it's also not really traumatic for him.

Wokkadema · 07/01/2024 03:02

ArlaRae · 06/01/2024 22:36

One of the things we have been very careful about is being in and out of our DGS life.

Up to now, the written and gift contact has been ok, enough so that DGS know who we are and can relate to the time spent with him, including theatre and sporting trips.
We also continued to meet him with his mum.
We would have worked to build that contact steadily and routinely. He hasn't decided he doesn't want to see us or be in contact. His mum has decided that.

The request to stop all contact has come as a surprise. He will always be our family, he will always be linked to us. We want him to know we didn't just stop.

Attachment disorders are damaging too. Thinking those you love have disappeared isn't healthy. We want to do the best we can by him.

OP it just leapt out at me that you were trying to 'steadily build contact'. Had there been a period where you had no contact at all? Or were you just trying to increase?
I just wonder if your ex DIL may have felt pressure to increase contact to a level that's uncomfortable for her for some reason, or if her boundaries have been overstepped in some way.
Of course I don't know your situation at all. But that phrase just seems to me that things weren't working well before the sudden cessation of contact.

Interested in this thread?

Then you might like threads about this subject:

Families
healthadvice123 · 07/01/2024 03:08

@Pinky2121 you can set up an email address within minutes , no verifying needed

Pjmaskmummy · 07/01/2024 04:00

I have a young son whose step nan we no longer see since the death of his grandad. She still sends cards with money in for his birthday and Christmas and in all honesty I'd rather she didn't as it is confusing to him as to who she is when he doesn't see her.

I understand why you want to keep in touch but it can be confusing for children when they don't actually see you. I think the best thing for you to do is agree, keep everything you'd normally send him in a box and explain to DIL that you will reach out to him at an age where he can decide what he wants to do then you will have it all to give him.

Dustybarn · 07/01/2024 05:39

OP, I think it’s understandable that your DIL doesn’t want contact anymore. She has a new family and frankly your access to your grandson should be through your son. If I was the DIL I wouldn’t want to be traipsing around the country taking my son to my ex-PIL when I have a new baby and a full time job. That’s your son’s responsibility not hers.

hanschristmassolo · 07/01/2024 07:01

You live 3 hours away. No way as an ex DIL myself would I be making an effort to bring my child to you. Sadly you are a reminder of her past - your son has moved on and so has she. You dont want to maintain contact with you son yourself

istoodonlegoagain · 07/01/2024 07:12

Pjmaskmummy · 07/01/2024 04:00

I have a young son whose step nan we no longer see since the death of his grandad. She still sends cards with money in for his birthday and Christmas and in all honesty I'd rather she didn't as it is confusing to him as to who she is when he doesn't see her.

I understand why you want to keep in touch but it can be confusing for children when they don't actually see you. I think the best thing for you to do is agree, keep everything you'd normally send him in a box and explain to DIL that you will reach out to him at an age where he can decide what he wants to do then you will have it all to give him.

What's confusing about "this birthday money is from Doreen, grandpa's wife. We don't see her because...?" If you don't want money/gifts, it's much better to stay outright why. Many mothers say they don't want the child to be "confused" when really it means they want to write that person out of their lives.

Outthedoor24 · 07/01/2024 07:19

The obvious answer is to build the bridge with your DS and help him fight for access to his own son.

It is possible for you to go to court in your own right but I don't know how easy that would be.
Also remember once the child gets to about 12 the courts cannot really force a child to see the grandparents or other parent if they don't want to see them.

StBrides · 07/01/2024 07:25

Personally I wouldn't bother with an email address or blog. Relying only on technological records is short-sighted - they're unreliable.

We've got used to long lasting email addresses but I think the tech landscape is going to change dramatically over the next 15 years: aspects will become obsolete, we will see more cyber-attacks & security will tighten up further making it harder to ensure ongoing access (and pass on passwords etc). Not to mention the risk of identity theft in new forms due to advances in AI

If anyone wants to preserve photos, letters, documents, memories, etc, then maintaining hard copy physical archives is the way to go.

Mumof2girls2121 · 07/01/2024 07:47

I think you should persevere with contact, you don’t want to wake up in 10 years and find out the reason for the request of no contact was domestic violence/abuse, the child neglected etc etc

AuntieStella · 07/01/2024 07:51

NeonSoda · 07/01/2024 02:13

It would be great to normalise the idea that grandparents are not entitled to access their grandchildren, and that women do not have to be answerable to her ex’s family.

The child has a right to relationships with their entire family - both sides of it.

Luddite26 · 07/01/2024 08:06

No matter how hurtful it feels you have to let go. His mother has said no contact so anything now can be seen as harassment.
If you love someone let them go and one day they might come back.
Save all his gifts in a bank account with cards etc. one day you will possibly get to see him and if not leave it in your will to him. Very hurtful but he's not your child and you now have to step back.

ArchetypalBusyMum · 07/01/2024 08:09

Personally, I'd continue to write letters and cards as you would if he was receiving them, but keep them together. Then one day when he's an adult and you are able to contact him directly you can give them to him. He will know then you really cared.

It doesn't of course stop the hurt and damage he may be feeling now, but I have no experience of that, so no better suggestions.

MassiveOvaryaction · 07/01/2024 08:15

ArlaRae · 06/01/2024 22:36

One of the things we have been very careful about is being in and out of our DGS life.

Up to now, the written and gift contact has been ok, enough so that DGS know who we are and can relate to the time spent with him, including theatre and sporting trips.
We also continued to meet him with his mum.
We would have worked to build that contact steadily and routinely. He hasn't decided he doesn't want to see us or be in contact. His mum has decided that.

The request to stop all contact has come as a surprise. He will always be our family, he will always be linked to us. We want him to know we didn't just stop.

Attachment disorders are damaging too. Thinking those you love have disappeared isn't healthy. We want to do the best we can by him.

How old is the child? And are you absolutely certain the request hasn't come from him?

Only our dc since they hit teens has refused to have anything to do with paternal grandparents, chiefly due to how they've seen fil treat his own son.

SausageRollsWithMustard · 07/01/2024 08:19

Ju1ieAndrews · 06/01/2024 23:08

You're making your own inability to have a relationship with your son your ex-DIL's problem.

Your son needs to start regular contact with his child, you need to repair your relationship with your son and then you can see your GC during his contact time.

This is not your ex-DIL's problem to resolve. She probably divorced your son for similar reasons as the ones that leave you unwilling to have a relationship with him.

Equally, you've obviously done something that means your ex-DIL feels it's easier/nicer not to have you in her life than in it, as if you had a good relationship with her, she'd be happy to see you and give you access to her child.

If you stop falling out with people then you're more likely to have contact with them.

This.

anothernamechangeagainsndagain · 07/01/2024 08:20

I would have a separate savings account (in your name) and each time you would have bought a gift, sent a card etc put the equivalent money into the account. Once he is older he can choose to have a relationship with you and if he does you can give him the money. Also send e cards for Christmas and birthday if you think she doesn't give him real ones, means he is being sent one

Oneofthesurvivors · 07/01/2024 08:24

AuntieStella · 07/01/2024 07:51

The child has a right to relationships with their entire family - both sides of it.

Show quote history

Only if it is beneficial for the child which it isn't always.

Lolaandbehold · 07/01/2024 08:32

I think setting up an email address for high and sending emails/photoa every birthday , Christmas (and whenever you feel like it really) is a good one. Should the worst happen and you don’t have contact with him again in childhood, you can hopefully re-engage when he is an adult and hand him the email credentials. It’s something I do for my own DC as a keepsake for when they’re older. Yes too to a high interest savings account. May not be possibly in his own name but you could do one in your own name for him. £100 per birthday and Christmas would be a nice sum for him to put towards uni or whatever.
it’s a very sad situation; I think all you can do is try and remain on good terms with the DIL, even if she wants no contact, write to her and emphasise that you’ll always love her and DGS and will be there for both of them always.

CwmYoy · 07/01/2024 08:34

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Document everything that happened. Keep copies of her emails or letters to you to show to your grandson when he is older. He needs to know who was to blame.

Buy cards for each birthday and keep them until he is able to see them for himself.

She sounds awful. So cruel. He will find out the truth eventually.

Ohnoooooooo · 07/01/2024 08:39

You mention you are LC with your son - do you see his child with new partner?

Oneofthesurvivors · 07/01/2024 08:39

CwmYoy · 07/01/2024 08:34

I'm so sorry you are going through this.

Document everything that happened. Keep copies of her emails or letters to you to show to your grandson when he is older. He needs to know who was to blame.

Buy cards for each birthday and keep them until he is able to see them for himself.

She sounds awful. So cruel. He will find out the truth eventually.

How do you know who is to blame here? My child has never met my parents for very good reasons.

Stubbedtoes · 07/01/2024 08:45

Did you post about this recently? And the ex DIL had said she was offering contact but only if you didn't tell your son anything? She basically gave you an ultimatum where postal contact could continue and/or she was prepared to meet you but didn't want you passing anything on to your son?

Is that you? Because if it is I'm wondering why you chose not to comply with her request when it clearly hurts you not to have any contact with your dgs?

BlouseyBrownMalone · 07/01/2024 08:45

After the Mumsnet data breach, where lists of emails of mumsnet users were published, it was advised that mumsnet users open a separate email address rather than use their actual email address.

It's a terrible idea to have your personal email address for absolutely everything you do online.

FredaFox · 07/01/2024 08:48

MegaMeg2710 · 06/01/2024 19:37

While we wait for why your son doesn’t have contact - what about setting up an email address and you send birthday/Christmas emails to that like you would a letter or card, you can send holiday photos like postcards etc as well, and then later give him the address and password when you’re allowed to so he can see the entire history. You could save money that you’d use to buy presents in an account for later down the line as well.

A work colleague does this with his kids, he had a difficult divorce and his wife still behaves terribly just before it's his weekend to have them so he's always sent emails after contact with photos taken and a nice summary of what they did funny things that happened
The girls are older now and the eldest has a phone but I think he still does it so you could do something similar