Replacing direct contact with our young grandson with….any ideas appreciated.

[ArlaRae]

Our ex daughter in law has asked that we no longer contact our young grandson.

We usually send Christmas & birthday presents/cards. We also, as part of a family Christmas tradition send a Christmas/birthday book. If we are on holiday we send postcards. We sometimes send letters.

There isn't a way that we can continue. DiL is not going to pass anything on.

Anyone any ideas to ‘mark’ occasions.
I am concerned that for our grandson contact has stopped suddenly. I wonder what he thinks has happened?

What about when he is a young adult, will he look back and think we abandoned him? Is there anything we can do to assure him that we love him and missed him.

Thank you.

I know you are right and the thread has gone way beyond the advice I sought.

I am in touch with the headteacher of the school, who us very positive about our plans in supporting the school.
I am also in touch withour solicitor in making long term provision for our grandson and making sure that he has evidenced information regarding the choices made.

Sending gifts to his school in his honour is not respecting the no contact his mother has requested. Posting about him on social media on his birthday as if you are the injured party is only going to further harm the chance of a future reconciliation. Listen to what she has said and respect it.

The DS is your step-son? You are unrelated to this child, and need to take a massive step back.

You sound incredibly controlling.

Slightly different perspective as I would be the ex DIL in this situation and my ex PIL lives 30 min drive away, but neither of us drive so its a bit longer.

My DD (5yr) last saw her father when she was 3 and he used to have her every Friday and then every other full weekend at his parents house. He upped and moved away suddenly and hasn't bothered since. His parents extent of keeping contact was to send cards and drop off massive bags of gifts (which I'd sift through as a lot was largely inappropriate unfortunately, the rest would be given and I would explain who it was from) but they never had contact outside of that or bothered to actually ask about her welfare. This year I decided enough was enough and I told them to stop, they were no more than hallmark grandparents in reality and cards and gifts are not a relationship.

I talk about my DDs father with her if she brings him up but outside of that I don't mention any of his side as she did tend to get confused and then upset in her confusion about who was who. I was flicking through baby photos with her recently and she didn't recognise the grandparents from that side. Their absence bred forgetfulness.

This idea that children will miss people who are not even really there and suffer attachment disorders as a result is rubbish. If you hadn't even seen the child since he was 4 he will not miss a card and a gift twice a year.

And no way do I believe a court went from deciding that residency may be best for the father to changing their mind and deciding that no contact is better. This forum is littered with mothers who are forced by the courts to traipse their children for hours every month for the sake of building a relationship with a father they're probably better off without.

Reading through, am I right in reading that you have another grandchild from your son? Do you have any other children, or potential for more grandchildren?

Are you planning on setting up equal support for their school(s) and trust funds for all of them? Or is it not needed because you can see them whenever you want?

Some of this - a memory box with cards and notes sounds fine, if its something that makes you feel better, and want to preserve something in case he's interested, and a trust fund in keeping with the other grandchildren.

But the posts on fb, gifts to the school, solicitors and "evidence" that you never gave up on him aren't coming across all so nice to me. In the present, it seems like you want to stick it to your ex-DIL, and make it all about you and your feelings about her decision. Its clear you think she's made the wrong one. It doesn't feel like you're doing it to be involved in his life, but to "prove" you wanted to be, and he's missing out because you could provide oh so much stuff.

In the future if he gets in touch, it seems very much you plan to present it as "your mum kept you from us all this time" - and he could grow up with a perfectly fine relationship with her. How will you take it if he rejects you - if he sees your offer of a relationship as a trade between you and his mum? Will the savings be passed on regardless of if he makes contact - or makes contact and doesn't want to pursue it?

I know a family we're the father was a previously convicted murderer and has came out and set up home and started a family with some light social involvement. But has been allowed to be left to it mostly to raise his children. You say the court said too much time had passed and not allowed contact. OK.

I'm sure the headmistress is very pleased you wanf to donate but this really won't affect your gc at all.

When they get to 18 and need money for life in general they may feel it's frustrating that you gave that money to the school?
When they need a car or lessons or car insurance... It may seem like rather than actually directly benefiting then, you merely wanted to make a statement!

Op he will know you loved him and that can be done when older with a simple card and here is someone money we put by for you.

I'm shocked that a headteacher is in touch with someone who doesn't have and parental rights or responsibilities towards a child in their care to be honest. I home they're not passing information to you without the parental consent of his mother. This is a massive safeguarding issue.

Giving Gifts to the school is going completely against the no contact wishes of your daughter.

Stop doing things in your grandsons name, or interacting with places that your grandson goes. This is completely unacceptable when you’ve been asked not to have any contact.

most of all - stop being so controlling.

I agree. There's something so unpleasant about this. It's like the OP is smugly getting the school on their side against the child's mother.

Hmm, you say:

No DA. Some rows and issues on both sides.

And yet later say:

Bruises, scratches and emotional abuse on DS by his DW are evidence of this during their marriage. Worried neighbours calling the police…to her…also evidence.

You being in touch with your grandson's headteacher when you have no parental rights or responsibilities is so inappropriate and speaks to your lack of boundaries and keenness to 'win' rather than respect the decisions your grandson's mother has made.

All of which indicates there are some very understandable reasons for her to have made their decisions tbh.

Just a thought, but this: “I am also in touch withour solicitor in making long term provision for our grandson and making sure that he has evidenced information regarding the choices made.”

So say your grandson turns 18, and you’ve died, but he gets his “info pack” from your family solicitor so he can read some weirdly notarised declaration that you donated a climbing frame to school and put his photo on Facebook every birthday or whatever.

Is that not just going to make his actual father just look even more shit for his lack of effort? Which as you’re worried about trauma, seems like you might just make it worse.

I was thinking about your post for a while, thinking about the best way to show the grandchild you still thought of them. There's two options, open a bank account and put their birthday/christmas money in it. When they're old enough to see you independently, I'd gift it. Or you could continue with cards with cash inside, leave it to pile up in a box. Give it to them when they're older and they'll love all the lovely messages inside each card.

I'm confused. How can this be a safeguarding issue? ( and I am an ex HT).

OP says her DS goes to parents evenings so all family members must know where the child goes to school.

OP rings school, says who she is and asks if she can donate some money to buy books for the school library…I don't see a safeguarding issue.

@paulaparticles - I thought MN guidelines included not fishing and making connections to other threads. Poor form.

It's selfish to sever contact for no reason.

I would be reminding her she might be a granny one day and how would she like To be cut off from grandchild?
People just don't think.

Really hurtful and sad for our grandchild.

She has blocked any contact between us, so I can’t remind her of anything, sadly.

I think she prefers to continue her life without any of her child’s paternal family.