Replacing direct contact with our young grandson with….any ideas appreciated.

[ArlaRae]

Our ex daughter in law has asked that we no longer contact our young grandson.

We usually send Christmas & birthday presents/cards. We also, as part of a family Christmas tradition send a Christmas/birthday book. If we are on holiday we send postcards. We sometimes send letters.

There isn't a way that we can continue. DiL is not going to pass anything on.

Anyone any ideas to ‘mark’ occasions.
I am concerned that for our grandson contact has stopped suddenly. I wonder what he thinks has happened?

What about when he is a young adult, will he look back and think we abandoned him? Is there anything we can do to assure him that we love him and missed him.

This sounds familiar. I’m sure I’ve read a similar post in the last couple of weeks

If you have a will, I would ask for an appendices to be added explaining that you were refused contact.

My late husband's wife had an affair with her boss, my husband found out, and they were divorced. In 1980 his child was 5. I met him in 1982 and he wrote to his wife for access to their child, she refused. She had been set up by her lover in a flat, and went on to have two daughters with him. In 1993 we saw her on a tv documentary about mistresses,

My husband died in 2016 and I found texts on his phone - he'd bumped into his son in 2012, he hadn't told me. The son was now in his 40's, and could not remember his grandparents efforts to maintain contact. When I'd met my husband's parents their greatest sadness was not being able to have any contact with their grandson. My FIL had actually travelled down to London, but hadn't been allowed into the house, he'd been sent away. Unfortunately they had both died by 2016 and would never know that my husband died knowing he was a grandfather.

My 'stepson' was angry at the funeral and said to me 'I don't think you know what is was like for me as a child not knowing why I couldn't see my Dad' - I told him to speak to his mother.

Is that a reply to me? I don’t understand what’s dispicable?

Do you mean that you can set up an email in someone else’s name? You can’t do anything with it.

I mean, I could email @ArlaRae from my new pinky2121 address and say, “hi - I’m in the same boat, send me £50 and I’ll send you a book I wrote on how to get contact, legally”. But @ArlaRae would reply, “email addresses aren’t a form of identification, and anyway I sent my last £50 to a Nigerian Prince! 🤣”

Your grandson will cover such internet safety in school PHSE lessons.

There’s no such thing as grandparent rights so all you can do is respect what his mother has said. The only thing left to say to her is that you’d be keen to resume contact at any point in the future if she changes her mind.

Personally I would open a savings account in your name but on his behalf, to put any money you would have spent on him at Christmas or his Birthday. I’d also write letters to him on significant occasions, but keep them in your possession.

Nah.

You could've actually read my post. You chose not to. Then replied a bunch of nonsense under the guise of it being "respectful". It wasn't. It was a waste of my time. So why do you think I owe you respect in return?

@Karensalright change of username? Because your really not are you! 😬

if you want to do something for your DGS, I’d work to heal your relationship with your DS and support him to heal his relationship with his son.

This from @mindutopia is the way forward. A rift in the family does tend to fracture throughout generations. Barring exceptional circumstances, Ex-DiL has no obligation to facilitate you bypassing your living son to maintain a relationship with your grandson. You value the bond with your grandson; but much more foundational is yours with your son, and his with his son. That's where your focus should be, albeit not as much fun as a snuggly grandbairn.

I also suggest you treat Ex-DiL at all times as the greatly respected and treasured mother of your beloved grandson. It might go a long way. If you're on the outs with both parents, some self-reflection might be in order.

This, you can still do it, just keep for him when he's older. I'm sure it will mean alot and probably also be cathartic for you

You could create an email account and send emails that would be date stamped. At some point then give your GC the password etc. They would then know that over however long you always thought of them and wrote your thoughts / updates to them.

Is this the dil who wrote to you asking if you could reassure no info is sent back to ds and she would agree to contact with gps ? You also said you hadn't seen dgs in 4 years. You posted the letter on here and I said you need to take it down to respect their privacy. So now she's decided no contact i wonder why.

This feels like there are underlying issues which OP you need to face. Your grandchild needs stability and security foremost, and if there is any way your ‘presents’ are adding to this, possibly through ‘where is daddy’ questions then there is a point to that. As adults you can build relationships.

I’d be supportive of your DIL first and foremost.

I know I’m making stuff up now… but for all you know, husband #2 might be a controlling arsehole who refuses to have his wife in any contact with the family of her ex. If she escapes him in future, don’t make it difficult for her to reach out to you again
This crossed my mind as well. Perhaps the stepfather doesn't want cards/gifts extra attention coming to one child but not HIS child? Shit reason but there are parents out there that are incapable of navigating that kind of situation.

I'm sorry this has happened OP and I wish people wouldn't use the "oh but it's stressful and confusing for the child/ren" as a justification for her cutting them out. It doesn't have to be, depends on the parents and their own motivations. It's not fair to prevent a child from knowing that they have loving grandparents who wish to be in their lives and that generally is more about the adults than the children who will be led by our reactions and emotions 🤷‍♀️

What is the relationship between you and your grandsons mother? Is there animosity? At this point I would write to her, heartfelt with no passive aggressiveness, no blame, nothing but a request for some kind of understanding of WHY this has come about and whether there is any room for compromise ie, cards, postcards, no gifts. Anything to prevent the severing of that connection. Gosh, I'd send cards and postcards to all of them if I had to.

Ultimately though, she holds the power and you have to follow her demands. Fighting with her will hurt the child and will get you nowhere.
If communication cannot be continued, there are a lot of great suggestions on this thread. I like the email idea and I'd start that right now regardless. Be very very careful about what you write though as far as any blame or negativity.
Any gifts you'd normally buy, put the money in an account. Send postcards as emails so he knows you were always thinking of him. And wait for the time when he reaches out to you, or he is old enough for you to reach out to him

That’s the thread I thought was familiar. OP seems to have ignored the advice on there and started a new thread with similar questions.

Why is it a surprise? You barely see your own son by your choice. Your DIL has seen you see people as disposable and is following your example.

You had your son - you can’t just sack him off because he’s a shithead with money - that’s the chance you take when you make a baby. They’re yours no matter what.

so sick of parents who think they can opt out of being a parent because it’s too much effort for them. Even if your child turned out to be a bloody murderer, it would still be YOUR job to visit them in prison. YOUR job to help them. You should die before you abandon your child (yes, even if they’re a cunt because, guess what, you took that risk when you got pregnant).

why even bother with the grandson - what if he turns out bad. You’ll sack him off too?

This is totally off topic but I have five different gmail accounts with different user names - all established and usable without any need to prove identity.

I also have another four different email accounts associated with website addresses for business use - again all set up without needing any proof of ID.

Are you confusing email accounts with some other form of official registration?

She told you in the letter that the very name of your son causes the child distress. I think you need this taken down.
You need to respect their wishes. I know it's not the specific advice you are asking on here but she was very clear in her letter so no stranger on the Internet can advise.
You haven't gave the full story. You said your dh was to deal with her requests as it's his son. So what has he said then ? I think you need to leave these people alone.

I agree. You seem more interested in your own needs than in doing what is best for your GS

Would your DIL accept a card, sent to her, with a sum of money for her to spend on DGS birthday?
Inside a greeting wishing them both, and their family, a fun time on DGS birthday. Similar for Christmas.
Would she see a card to the whole family as more acceptable?

Otherwise the bank account is good.
If you were on better terms (but not financial) with your son you could have sent written contact (or even had some real contact) via him.

It is a sad situation all round. Very unfortunate for all of the kids and their parents especially.
Hope the DIL has a change ofheart.

I just want to say you sound lovely op and I hope it works out. My daughter's paternal grand parents cut her off with out a care. I think someday when your grandson knows you wanted to be there will mean a lot to him. Wishing you the best

Children don't develop attachment disorders from not seeing their grandparents. Unless the grandparents were their primary care givers and the child was very young when the attachment was severed.

Rude!

<Wonders if this is the same MIL from the recent thread where DIL was about to block contact.> 🤔

It would be great to normalise the idea that grandparents are not entitled to access their grandchildren, and that women do not have to be answerable to her ex’s family.