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Original poster

DD never wants to move out

216 replies

Elswano · 11/12/2023 00:45

Not sure where to post, just looking to see if anyone can poke any holes in this plan before we get too attached to the idea.
DD is 18, she's been through a horrible time, I don't want to get in to it on a public form but she has twin DDs, the father (sperm donor) is in prison, he will never be in there life. She's at uni.
Since she turned 18 in June there's been conversation about if she wanted her own place. Today she asked to talk to her dad and I, said she doesn't want to move out, not while at uni and maybe not ever (she said maybe if she met someone but even then she'd hate having to move out).
We are mortgage free, 5 bed, DS (21) still at home too. DDs only real income is her uni loans, we don't want her to get a job until uni is over unless she wants to as her being around for her kids is important. She cooks twice a week, does all the cleaning of her room, the kids room and the playroom, plus her bathroom most weeks.
DH said we need to think about it and discuss it once we've all thought about it.
So basically can anyone think of anything we should discuss before agreeing to her living here with the kiddies long term?

OP posts:
LittleGreenDragons · 11/12/2023 01:01

we don't want her to get a job until uni is over

She gets to stay then. Or she gets a job full time so she can pay rent elsewhere but then who looks after the twins?

What is the problem in the set up you have now? What needs tweaking, more cleaning, more cooking, tidying??

EDIT - I see she is 18. What is the 21 Yr old contributing to the household in comparison?

Original poster
Elswano · 11/12/2023 01:03

LittleGreenDragons · 11/12/2023 01:01

we don't want her to get a job until uni is over

She gets to stay then. Or she gets a job full time so she can pay rent elsewhere but then who looks after the twins?

What is the problem in the set up you have now? What needs tweaking, more cleaning, more cooking, tidying??

EDIT - I see she is 18. What is the 21 Yr old contributing to the household in comparison?

Edited

Nothing exactly needs to change. More that for the last few months there has been an assumption she would move out soon and I think secretly DH has been looking forward to it (but might never say that). I think he wants to pre-empt any potential future issues so there aren't any big fall outs due to unclear boundaries going forward.

OP posts:
PiggieWig · 11/12/2023 01:03

18 is still pretty young to move out these days. I know she’s a mum but the idea of managing alone with two little ones is probably very daunting for her.
Is it currently working? If not, why not and what needs to change?

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Families
Dartmoorcheffy · 11/12/2023 01:04

She's so young and having twins too must be really hard for her. Her life plans will change as she gets older and more mature. She is likely to med a new partner and will want a home of her own then. It sounds like you have enough room for her and can afford the current situation.

Dartmoorcheffy · 11/12/2023 01:04

Meet not med

Original poster
Elswano · 11/12/2023 01:06

LittleGreenDragons · 11/12/2023 01:01

we don't want her to get a job until uni is over

She gets to stay then. Or she gets a job full time so she can pay rent elsewhere but then who looks after the twins?

What is the problem in the set up you have now? What needs tweaking, more cleaning, more cooking, tidying??

EDIT - I see she is 18. What is the 21 Yr old contributing to the household in comparison?

Edited

Effectively also nothing/less. He's still at uni himself, we cover everyone's food and all the bills. They sort their own phones, We contribute to things for the kids like clothes and shoes etc. DD cooks the 2 nights a week, DS sometimes offers to cook but really rarely does, he shares a bathroom with DD and the kids so is supposed to clean it 1 week out of every 3.
Once they have jobs I guess I'd ask them to contribute to food and bills?

OP posts:
Beezknees · 11/12/2023 01:06

Be careful not to undermine or micromanage her parenting. I think this can be a bone of contention between adult children living at home with their kids and their parents.

Are you happy for her to live with you long term?

theduchessofspork · 11/12/2023 01:07

She’s 18 years old!

She is going to have to stay through university, and probably a few years beyond that, but you must already know that?

That takes you 5 years down the track, which is about as far as you can possibly see.

time4aNC · 11/12/2023 01:08

She’s 18 with twins, her children’s dad is in prison, she’s in university and has no income. She probably views you as the only stability she has.

It’s hard when you’re 18 to realistically imagine your future. I anticipate what she wants will dramatically change between now and by the time she is 25.

Useruser1212 · 11/12/2023 01:08

I personally wouldn't want her to move out while she's only 18 with two young babies and trying to get through Uni. It sounds like she's doing her best and I'd be proud of her for that. You sound like you have a big enough home to accommodate her and the twins whilst she's at Uni. I'd definitely make a long term plan with her for once she's finished uni, but it seems a bit harsh to rush her out when it's not strictly necessary.

theduchessofspork · 11/12/2023 01:09

Elswano · 11/12/2023 01:03

Nothing exactly needs to change. More that for the last few months there has been an assumption she would move out soon and I think secretly DH has been looking forward to it (but might never say that). I think he wants to pre-empt any potential future issues so there aren't any big fall outs due to unclear boundaries going forward.

Show quote history

How would he think she could move out though? Unless you’d planned to pay her rent?

Original poster
Elswano · 11/12/2023 01:10

Beezknees · 11/12/2023 01:06

Be careful not to undermine or micromanage her parenting. I think this can be a bone of contention between adult children living at home with their kids and their parents.

Are you happy for her to live with you long term?

I am (they would all stay forever if it were up to me!!!).
DH says he is but I think there is part of him that's a little resentful of still living with kids!
She's a very good mum, I cut my hours to part time when we paid the mortgage off so I cover childcare when she's at uni but otherwise everything is on her, bath time? Bed time, you name it.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2023 01:11

Why does this even need to be discussed now? She's 18 with two kids, no job and at uni. Obviously, she wouldn't even be in a position to move out for quite a long time. Right now, she's not going anywhere unless you plan to terf her out onto the streets.

Revisit this when it's more reasonable to do so.

Mediumred · 11/12/2023 01:12

Aww, she’s a young girl with a lot on her plate and you and her dad sound like you have been v supportive but what she says now doesnt mean it’s still how she will feel in three, five or seven years time.

maybe dont look too far ahead? Sounds like she is doing pretty well being at uni and taking care of her twins?

ExcellentFabulous · 11/12/2023 01:14

I'd say your son also needs to pull his weight.

I also don't think there's anything wrong with her staying with the kids if you have the space and also don't want her to get a job. So her and her kids'upkeep really rests on you: her parents for that latter reason. Till she's able to stand on her feet and take care of her kids financially.

RockGirl · 11/12/2023 01:14

It sounds like for the time being the set up works.

Well except for the DS. He's still behaving like a child. You are not doing him any favours by letting him treat your home like a hotel. When (if) he gets married/moves in with a partner, they will be on here complaining about how he doesn't lift a finger and doesn't know how to cook or use the washing machine.

pikkumyy77 · 11/12/2023 01:16

The guardian had a really amazing article “a moment that changed me” about a woman who got pregnant at 16 and clearly had zero support raising her child, getting her degree, and fighting to get into a good career. Im in awe of her courage and applaud her success in moving, alone, from working class to middle class as a single parent. But she should not have had to put her child at risk living in flop houses, she should not have had to nearly kill herself scraping together food or work. If you can help your dd and grandchildren survive and move towards financial independence why wouldn’t you?

Anneta · 11/12/2023 01:16

You sound like wonderfully supportive parents and your daughter is young to be caring for twins whilst continuing with her university education. However I wouldn’t be encouraging her to stay with you long term as her and your aim ideally should be for her to complete her degree and then become independent in her early twenties. You would still be able to support her with childcare etc if you are able.

TheCraicDealer · 11/12/2023 01:17

As a young single mum, staying with family with no pressure on money (well, insofar as your mortgage isn’t an issue) or space plus an elder sibling still at home, I can see why moving out isn’t on her radar. I’m not sure why with all that on her plate your DH thought her leaving was on the cards? Her views might change as she and the twins get older as the desire for independence outweighs her need for the support and security of home.

I would be expecting a financial contribution to the household which would be kept under review, and also make it clear at this stage about childcare and how much you’re willing to do outside of facilitating uni. If you’re happy to help out at evenings and weekends I would give her so many childcare credits a month to enable her to do social stuff, on a “use it or lose it” basis, to be booked at least a week in advance. Might sound ott but it sets expectations so everyone knows where they stand.

Pallisers · 11/12/2023 01:18

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2023 01:11

Why does this even need to be discussed now? She's 18 with two kids, no job and at uni. Obviously, she wouldn't even be in a position to move out for quite a long time. Right now, she's not going anywhere unless you plan to terf her out onto the streets.

Revisit this when it's more reasonable to do so.

This.

Say to her "darling you can stay here as long as you need to. We are always here for you" When she is a bit older and the babies are a bit older then she may well want to move on. Saying "ok don't worry, you have a home with us" isn't committing you to having her live with you when she is 40.

She is SO young.

I can empathize with your dh too. None of us want to be on the job with our kids forever. But I don't think this will happen here - she will grow older, get more education, you will help her, she will establish an independent life.

Goldbar · 11/12/2023 01:21

I would park the discussion until she has finished uni. It sounds like she does what you ask her to do around the house/cooking and, when she gets a job after uni, you can discuss a reasonable financial contribution.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 11/12/2023 01:23

I think it's absolutely fine for things to stay the same as they are at present for as long as everyone is happy with the arrangement. If anyone is not happy, then you need to work together as a family to identify the reasons for that and find the best solution. That might involve her moving out at some stage or it might involve a different solution.

Realistically, at 18 with twins, I can't see her being able to move out any time soon, and given that her brother has been allowed to stay until 21 and is still there, I think it would be pretty unreasonable to suggest that she isn't welcome. Yes, it might be a bit frustrating to be living with young kids again when you thought that you were past that stage, but what else would your DH expect her to do? If the father is out of the picture, she is going to need ongoing support.

LittleGreenDragons · 11/12/2023 01:24

DD cooks the 2 nights a week, DS sometimes offers to cook but really rarely does, he shares a bathroom with DD and the kids so is supposed to clean it 1 week out of every 3.

I think you and DH need to aim your sights on the lazy older single male. That is NOT good enough.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 11/12/2023 01:25

And yes, she's 18 now and wants to live at home, like lots of 18yos. That doesn't mean that she'll want to stay there forever, whatever she might think she's going to feel now.

BridgetsBigPants · 11/12/2023 01:26

I think it is fabulous that your daughter has plenty of support to continue her education as a young parent. It sounds like a great set up that will allow her and the little ones to thrive.

I would however look at your son getting a part time job and talk to your daughter about long term plans. It is all good you covering everything at the moment but life skills are important too and I would not want to stop those developing by doing too much.

Learning to be a reliable employee, sort out your own bills, make payments on time is important. By 21 and with no other commitments I would be hoping your son is well on the way to learning those things.