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Original poster

DD never wants to move out

216 replies

Elswano · 11/12/2023 00:45

Not sure where to post, just looking to see if anyone can poke any holes in this plan before we get too attached to the idea.
DD is 18, she's been through a horrible time, I don't want to get in to it on a public form but she has twin DDs, the father (sperm donor) is in prison, he will never be in there life. She's at uni.
Since she turned 18 in June there's been conversation about if she wanted her own place. Today she asked to talk to her dad and I, said she doesn't want to move out, not while at uni and maybe not ever (she said maybe if she met someone but even then she'd hate having to move out).
We are mortgage free, 5 bed, DS (21) still at home too. DDs only real income is her uni loans, we don't want her to get a job until uni is over unless she wants to as her being around for her kids is important. She cooks twice a week, does all the cleaning of her room, the kids room and the playroom, plus her bathroom most weeks.
DH said we need to think about it and discuss it once we've all thought about it.
So basically can anyone think of anything we should discuss before agreeing to her living here with the kiddies long term?

OP posts:
randomstress · 11/12/2023 01:28

I have every sympathy for your DH but I think he has a choice of funding secure accommodation for your dd for a few years or sucking up having her and DTs in the family home.

I agree ds needs to pull his finger out a bit more.

HerRoyalNotness · 11/12/2023 01:29

No way would I expect or ask my kids to leave let alone in the difficult situation your daughter is in. She’s at uni, and looking after her DC. Leave her be. She’ll make a plan when she feels able. Why make their life harder when it doesn’t have to be?

Firsttimemum120 · 11/12/2023 01:29

I think with her being 18 and a new mum to twins with no dad she is in the perfect place for her. The first year of motherhood is the hardest and she will certainly feel it at times throughout. She may want to stay until unis over and she settled properly into motherhood cause believe me I’m 28 with a two year old I stayed with my mum for the first 6 months and I loved every minute.

i don’t think you should discuss anything other than make her feel welcome and let her know but also maybe just say well for now we are okay to keep continuing to cover x but maybe when you get a job in the future we can discuss money then but for now the arrangement is fine.

As a mother I’d take this as a blessing and so should your DH. I think once your daughters and grandchildrens life settles down, shes done with uni and she gets older as 18 is still very young, I think she’ll find her independence and want to move out anyway because she’ll find a new path a new life balance and an amazing routine and it will work for her but it will be on her terms.

she isn’t stopping you or DH living your life and maybe if she sits with you on an evening and you want a night to cuddle up on the sofa politely ask her for space etc.

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Families
penjil · 11/12/2023 01:30

Well, you have a 5 bedroom house, so why not?

Otherwise, if your son leave it'll just be you and your husband rattling around in there by yourselves.

Surely the more the merrier?

She is your daughter after all.

Strawberrywaffle777 · 11/12/2023 01:35

Op I would just shelve this conversation for five years at least. Your dd is a baby with babies of her own. She needs support atm. The difference between an eighteen year old and a twenty three year old is huge! It’s very unlikely that she will want to live with you forever. I don’t understand why anything needs to be decided definitively now? You and your dh sound like great parents btw! Hope you can prioritise some time just for yourselves occasionally!

Cosywintertime · 11/12/2023 01:40

Honestly, I’m surprised any of you think this conversation needs to be taken now. She’s 18, at uni with two kids of course she doesn’t want to move out, she’s scared. But you’re the grown ups. You should know better.

reassure her you’ve got her back, and let it be, life will look very different as time moves on.

SittingAtThatHouse · 11/12/2023 01:46

She’s 18 and at uni with 2 children. She sounds like she’s working hard, looking after her children and doing housework. You have space in your home. Why on earth would anyone be looking at her moving out now or even soon? She will very likely change her mind once she’s got her degree, a career and the kids are at school. She is far more likely to become fully independent if you support her and let her live with you now.

Pinkpinkpink15 · 11/12/2023 01:52

@Elswano she's 18, I wouldn't put too much weight in 'maybe not ever'. In time she'll grow up and likely want her own place. It's only natural.

I'm a bit confused by why this 'forever' has to be discussed now. For now, surely things are fine as they are.

I can totally understand where your DH is at though, imagining a future/retirement, just the two of you. Not with 31 yo (DS) & 28 yo DD WITH 10 yo twins all still living with you.

I can understand you feeling differently & being fine with it. but I don't think it's good for your DC never to live independently.

you need to think about your marriage & your future too. What you had planned for your retirement - travel, downsizing, whatever.

Rosecutting · 11/12/2023 01:53

She will want to move out once she finishes her education , finds a well paid job and nice new partner.

Its just she can’t see that far ahead just now.

She has a lot on her plate and to discuss her moving out ( to where??!!) will be causing her anxiety.Not constructive at all.

Tell her she can stay forever, while quietly knowing she won’t want to. Maybe reassure your DH of this ?

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2023 01:56

Perhaps you should remind your husband that even if she didn't have two children to care for, she's still just 18, unemployed and at university.

Honestly, it's quite daft of him to even be thinking of "forever" at this point.

KickAssAngel · 11/12/2023 01:57

Why is it OK for DS to still be living there but somehow there's an expectation that DD will move out? She is far more vulnerable than her older, single brother. Has he finished uni, or got a job? Why isn't he looking to move out, clean the bathroom and cook several meals a week? How much rent is he paying?

I would expect any 18 year old at uni to be supported by parents. A 21 year old is either in their last year, or working, and either way living independently or making a decent contribution to the household.

Fine to set boundaries with DD and revisit them as she and her children get older. That doesn't mean she needs to be forced from her home when she's already going with so much.

HamBone · 11/12/2023 01:57

I can understand why your DH is feeling a bit fed up, you both probably thought that your personal and financial commitments to your children would start easing up now- instead, you’ve got twin grandchildren to house and provide for.

But you both know that this is the best setup until your DD has completed her education and your DGC’s are older. 18 is so young to be solely responsible for two children, and she can give them a much better future if you support her now.
it’s unlikely to be forever.

Cosywintertime · 11/12/2023 01:58

KickAssAngel · 11/12/2023 01:57

Why is it OK for DS to still be living there but somehow there's an expectation that DD will move out? She is far more vulnerable than her older, single brother. Has he finished uni, or got a job? Why isn't he looking to move out, clean the bathroom and cook several meals a week? How much rent is he paying?

I would expect any 18 year old at uni to be supported by parents. A 21 year old is either in their last year, or working, and either way living independently or making a decent contribution to the household.

Fine to set boundaries with DD and revisit them as she and her children get older. That doesn't mean she needs to be forced from her home when she's already going with so much.

I’m curious too. A 21 year old who doesn’t pull his weight, but an 18 year old who does, and she’s the focus.

please tell us op there isn’t some golden child thing going on here?

Canisaysomething · 11/12/2023 02:00

The time to make rules about when the children should leave home was before she was pregnant and had twins. It’s too late now, you’ve all just got to make the best of it until she finishes uni.

EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 11/12/2023 02:03

Unless she really was pushing for it I wouldn't have even bought up the idea of her moving out. She's an 18 year old single mum to twins doing a uni degree and she's contributing in the home, she has enough on her plate. I think the 21 year olds lack of contribution is more problematic.

Original poster
Elswano · 11/12/2023 02:05

Canisaysomething · 11/12/2023 02:00

The time to make rules about when the children should leave home was before she was pregnant and had twins. It’s too late now, you’ve all just got to make the best of it until she finishes uni.

Well of course and we did, we decided we'd support our children through uni, either by them living at home or covering costs if they went to uni further away.
No one planned DD getting pregnant, a lot happened, things changed.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 11/12/2023 02:06

Cosywintertime · 11/12/2023 01:58

I’m curious too. A 21 year old who doesn’t pull his weight, but an 18 year old who does, and she’s the focus.

please tell us op there isn’t some golden child thing going on here?

Show quote history

I'm wondering that too.

Barleysugar86 · 11/12/2023 02:07

If you haven't already can you get her registered for some council housing? I'm sure she won't get offered anything anytime soon, but might give her a push in the future if she gets higher up the list.

User3735 · 11/12/2023 02:08

Well, I can understand the slight exasperation front your DH, when my 17 year old says she doesn't want to move out I secretly hope it's a phase! But we don't have much space. But I'm confused as to why this post is about your 18 year old who needs your support the most. Not the 21 year old who doesn't and does less? Why would your dd consider moving our when he is her role model?

Original poster
Elswano · 11/12/2023 02:09

Barleysugar86 · 11/12/2023 02:07

If you haven't already can you get her registered for some council housing? I'm sure she won't get offered anything anytime soon, but might give her a push in the future if she gets higher up the list.

I don't think she wants this at all. We are also very rural (our nearest town of 5,000+ is 35 min drive away, city a bit over an hour), the chances of her being offered something in our area anytime soon are slim to none. I think she just wants to stay put and I don't blame her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Elswano · 11/12/2023 02:11

@EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness @Cosywintertime @User3735

He's still in uni too, 4 year course, he is expected to do less as he doesn't have children, who contribute to mess/eating etc.
The difference is DD has children who change the household dynamic more than a 21 year old lad.

OP posts:
EliflurtleAndTheInfiniteMadness · 11/12/2023 02:16

But he's 21 and doesn't seem to be learning the life skills of shopping and cooking and cleaning for himself. Her kids might cause more disruption for your DH, but unless your DS has special needs DDs need for support is much higher. Why does he get away with not contributing to the household? Whereas your daughter who really needs your support and contributes is the one who's presence is being questioned?

randomstress · 11/12/2023 02:20

I could imagine dad in the house being fed up with the noise and chaos of twins ( I have some) just as his dc are reaching adulthood.
Dd has chosen to have dc so it isn't unreasonable to expect her to look after them and the after effects of them.
Honestly I would not be thrilled if my dd puts me in this situation in a couple of years maybe df is annoyed.

I do agree that ds should be made to pull his weight in general though.

Aquamarine1029 · 11/12/2023 02:21

Regardless of what's going on with your daughter, your son needs to get off his arse and do more around the house. FGS, do not allow him to be useless. He's not a child anymore.

Ponderingwindow · 11/12/2023 02:24

given her circumstances, it seems like your dd is doing everything right. She is getting her education, raising her children, and doing her share of the work in the household.

I wouldn’t be in any rush to push her out of the house.