DD never wants to move out

[Elswano]

Not sure where to post, just looking to see if anyone can poke any holes in this plan before we get too attached to the idea.
DD is 18, she's been through a horrible time, I don't want to get in to it on a public form but she has twin DDs, the father (sperm donor) is in prison, he will never be in there life. She's at uni.
Since she turned 18 in June there's been conversation about if she wanted her own place. Today she asked to talk to her dad and I, said she doesn't want to move out, not while at uni and maybe not ever (she said maybe if she met someone but even then she'd hate having to move out).
We are mortgage free, 5 bed, DS (21) still at home too. DDs only real income is her uni loans, we don't want her to get a job until uni is over unless she wants to as her being around for her kids is important. She cooks twice a week, does all the cleaning of her room, the kids room and the playroom, plus her bathroom most weeks.
DH said we need to think about it and discuss it once we've all thought about it.
So basically can anyone think of anything we should discuss before agreeing to her living here with the kiddies long term?

She's 18 with twins, of course she never wants to move out. Give it a 4/4 years, the kids will be older and in school, she'll be out of uni and settled in a job and she'll be raring to go 💐

About the cooking- you do x2, DD x2, DSx2 and one night out/takeaway which you say you usually have anyway. DH is off the hook because he works long hours AND because he’s a rubbish cook!
I agree with others that your DS is getting an easy ride.

3 or 4 years!

Most 18 year olds in education would still be living at home so I don’t think this needs to be discussed now. However I do honk there should be a caveat that you’ll review after uni / when she gets a job / when she’s 25 or whatever. DS needs to step up too.

My BIL is late thirties and has never left home (although he did a brief stint at uni) and whilst he tidies his room, does his laundry and occasionally cooks he has no experience of how the real world works. He pays a token rent and doesn’t really understand why MIL wants him to stop using the tumble dryer (COL) because he has a lot of disposable income. MIL wants to downsize as the house is too much for her (she’ll ask him to help out but it’s always reluctantly because it’s not his own home) and to be closer to grandchildren but she feels she can’t. She feels stuck by her adult son living at home. Everyone in the family has offered him a “leg up” to move out and get his own place but he says it’s too expensive. He’s too comfortable. You don’t want this.

Well aren’t you a fucking charmer. Wanker.

Upthread, someone suggested OP should insist that no future partners be moved in! I hope it won't come to that.

Man, it's hard for parents these days.

It must be hard to be single with twins, and she's only 18. My cousin had twins in her 20s, and relied heavily on her mum. She found it so difficult. I think when her children are 12+, she'll find it much easier to manage. She'll probably be working and have met someone by then. She'll naturally want to move out. But for now, she'll want all the support she can. I'd get her on birth control, so she doesn't make any more.

She is 18, at uni and has two toddlers. Of course she can't imagine moving out. It is not possible for at least a few years and even when she is working it probably still feels overwhelming.

However as time passes and children are at an easier stage and she has her own job she is likely to want to move out. (Could take a while to save a deposit too).

There is no need to commit to her never moving out now or to put a time frame on it.

Not read full thread as I cba but if you can accommodate her why does she need to move out?? I couldn’t bear the thought of my child paying rent when I could house them.

Exactly, you’re a family, whether he wants to or not he should step up and help his sister and the household in general. The takeaway / eating out when he should be cooking is quite bizarre.

Have only managed to skim through the thread but first I think your DD is amazing and has obviously had a tough few years.

I also think you both, as here parents, are amazing so supportive. It seems the current situation works for you - maybe a honest discussion with DH is needed about how he truly feels. Is he remaining working 5 days because he doesn’t want to be at home an extra day?

I think also you need to be prepared in the future (however far off that maybe) that your DD could meet someone/change her mind and want to move out. Make sure you have plenty of interests/hobbies/days out l/holidays with DH etc so when/if it happens you don’t feel at a loss as a quiet,empty house can feel very different.

Could you build an annex to your house - then daughter could stay forever?!

I would just suggest an annual review or similar where you all sit down and discuss what’s working or not working as the case may be.

When my marriage ended I returned home to my Mums and thought I’d stay there forever 😂 it’s natural to want that comfort care and security which it’s clear you provide for your children. It’s also natural that as she feels more confident and secure again that she may want to move out. Time will tell.

I think you have no alternative but to support your two Dc in this way until they move forward in life. As students, they could never afford rent without an income. But surely, leading independent lives of their own, has to be the goal for both of them, starting with saving every penny right now.

You all seem happy with the set up for now, and very accepting of the unexpected turn of events, even though you never envisaged having the two toddlers living with you. So no problem to solve for now. You sound like a lovely mum/ grandmother.

But if you are going to have a big talk about your daughter’s wish to never move out, I wouldn’t go along with that. I would make sure she felt this was her home for now but I would also make clear that one day, she herself will want to move out, so that she has that firm expectation hanging in front of her, for her long distant future.

Also , I would want to make sure both dc fully understand that you now have a full house with no room for more babies or for gf/bf/partners. You have neither the room, the finances nor the desire to expand the household any further so you are passing the responsibility for that (birth control) firmly on to them. You need to say that very clearly because it seems to me, that your dc are rather comfortable and a little bit reluctant to face the big wide world independently, which just isn’t realistic.

I would be discussing difficult scenarios with them to plant the seeds so they know this won’t last for ever. Eg, you and your DH might wish or have a sudden need to down-size. One of you might become ill or disabled and unable to provide financially. You may decide to retire early, sell up and go travelling or move to Spain. In other words, their home security is not written in stone …anything could happen. The house is not theirs even though it’s their home for now. And they need to understand that and keep moving forward towards financial independence for themselves.

You have an instinct OP, that your DH, whilst never complaining, isn’t quite as comfortable as you, with facing the daily lack of quiet peace in his own home at the end of the working day. Make sure that you and your dc don’t ignore that.

No point bringing the subject up until after she has finished college and got a job.

The twins have a secure home, and she is going to college. She will want to leave eventually but if she'sbeen through a lot, rushing her won't speed her up.

Would things be a bit easier for your DH if he cooked once and DS twice?

Why on earth would you presume she'd move out soon? She's only 18, still a student, and she has two babies. Many much older adults without children are still at home whilst they save a deposit for a home, I'd be expecting someone in your daughter's position to be at home until they're earning well, which they won't be for a while after uni. Maybe you expected her to move out in early adulthood, but I think that expectation was a little nieve. Especially given the cost of housing, which isn't new, it can't be a surprise she can't afford to live independently yet.

I know she is old enough to have had twins, but in reality she is still a child entering adulthood. In my view the concept that they are ready to live alone with the responsibilities of household bills is onerous at that stage. Obviously she is lucky to have the stability you are giving her and if she didn't then there would be no choice.

Let her finish uni and get established, but also agree with another PP as to how she will ever afford childcare in the near future after uni?

I think you’re planning too far ahead and asking them to make big decisions when they’re still relatively young. Just ride with it for now and stop pressuring her.

Because it sounds as though he is bringing some extra tiredness home from his work - just that extra consideration might help him

You sound like amazing parents and you must be so proud of your girl.

Only you know what feels a fair distribution of jobs, I think if you like cooking then you and DD do 2 and DH and DS do 1 each. The other night you go out or takeaway or whatever it is that's been happening that means DS hasn't been cooking.

Our grass needs cutting all the blasted time so I would personally love to never touch the lawnmower again.

Agree with everyone saying that when the twins go to primary school things will look very different for your DD and she might want to move out.

I would definitely ask both children for rent as it does make it much easier to transition out. It you want to squirrel some away and give it back at a later date as a surprise then you could. That's my plan if we can afford to!

It sounds like you and DH have been so supportive and that the set up is working atm, like others have said who knows what will happen down the line- absolutely set boundaries but in all likelihood it'll all pan out anyway.

As an aside, I always find it interesting peoples view points in these situations. There seems to be a general tone that because she's 'old enough' to have had the kids she should be doing more around the house than the older brother because that would be the reality if she lived alone. Haven't we moved past these toxic ideologies as a society? She's doing a fab job with the children, she clears up after them and cares for them. Why can't she still be looked after at home as her older brother is.

I would absolutely say to DD that she can certainly stay till after uni and until she has established herself in her career and that the situation could be revisited then, by which time she will probably want to move out anyway. I agree that getting DH to do less and DS to do more seems sensible. It’s really striking how much less DS seems to be doing, and that’s not fair if DD has already overcome considerable adversity to get where she is. She sounds like she’s coping really well. Being a parent means she is already growing up rapidly.

I am always bemused by posters who think that university aged children should be contributing financially to households that don’t need them to. Completely different for those who genuinely need the contributions to get by, of course. But as a higher income household we had to contribute to our children getting through university; their earnings at the same time went towards their own personal costs, such as clothes and entertainment, so they were learning about money that way. My children are now mid to late twenties and have both moved in and out intermittently over the years as their lives have changed. We have never taken money from them, as we don’t need to, and they have both turned into financially responsible independent adults anyway. I would, however, be anxious to ensure your DS learns the life skills that he would have learned if he’d gone away to uni. I think that living away from home, even if supported by your parents financially, is often a really valuable part of the uni experience. It certainly was for me and my DC.

I agree. Also it seems like a lot more is expected of your daughter than of your son.

Even if she didn’t have kids, why are you expecting her to move out now? She’s 18 years old, at university and has no job! How do you expect her to even consider moving out? Also her 21 year old brother still lives at home, if you’re kicking her out then he needs to go too.

Revisit it when she’s finished university and has a full time job, by which point I would presume the kids would be school age too (you haven’t said how old they are)which would help her with childcare too and she might be ready to out.