DD never wants to move out

[Elswano]

Not sure where to post, just looking to see if anyone can poke any holes in this plan before we get too attached to the idea.
DD is 18, she's been through a horrible time, I don't want to get in to it on a public form but she has twin DDs, the father (sperm donor) is in prison, he will never be in there life. She's at uni.
Since she turned 18 in June there's been conversation about if she wanted her own place. Today she asked to talk to her dad and I, said she doesn't want to move out, not while at uni and maybe not ever (she said maybe if she met someone but even then she'd hate having to move out).
We are mortgage free, 5 bed, DS (21) still at home too. DDs only real income is her uni loans, we don't want her to get a job until uni is over unless she wants to as her being around for her kids is important. She cooks twice a week, does all the cleaning of her room, the kids room and the playroom, plus her bathroom most weeks.
DH said we need to think about it and discuss it once we've all thought about it.
So basically can anyone think of anything we should discuss before agreeing to her living here with the kiddies long term?

If you're all happy with living as you are, then there's no problem.

There doesn't seem to be any conflict, or resentment - you all sound very happy with the way things are. So - as the saying goes - if it ain't broke, don't fix it

So you’ve said you’d support them both while at uni and now your DH wants your DD to move out because she has twins? That’s brutal.

Surely she should get the same things her brother has had - free housing with you during university. In three years she might well have had enough of you.

You need to talk to your husband before you end up living with a resentful grump.

@Cosywintertime It may not be golden child syndrome, it could simply be that the 21-year-old goes to uni and does his own thing, whereas the 18-year-old and her children currently require a lot more support (both financially and time-wise) from the OP and her DH. So her DH is feeling a bit overloaded with this extra responsibility. It’s like suddenly having four children instead of two.

I think it’s lovely you want her to live you with you long term ,but I would be clear that you’re not making any promises, to either dd or ds.

You never know what the future holds, you may want to downsize, you or dh may get ill and not want young kids permanently in the house.

It’s madness that when she says she maybe never wants to move out, you think she’ll never actually want to. Of course she will.

But it’s fairly obvious that it feels very daunting at the moment as she’s only 18, with twins and at uni. She probably can’t imagine a time when the kids are more independent and she’s also a fully independent working mum.

My dd and dgd still live with me and dgd is ten now. I am babysitting right now because dd is working. It really does take two of us, though I understand that if dd ever meets someone worthwhile she will move out.

I cannot imagine how your dd would be able to study if she moved out.

Your daughter is cleaning up after her children though. Your son is just being lazy. He isn’t always doing his fare share, he sometimes cleans the bathroom one week out of 3.

I think if DH wants this conversation, it needs to involve DS too. Rules are that whilst living in the house and at uni, everyone contributes to the household chores. DS needs to start definitely doing his 1 in 3 week bathroom cleaning. He needs to cook once a week. As he comes to the end of his degree, he needs to contribute to the rest of the housework, perhaps sharing the cleaning of the living room and dining room with you and DH. Then as DD comes to the end of her course, she can be added in that rota as well.

Make it clear that for both once they finish their degrees, they get a job and start contributing financially. You need to allow your daughter the chance to do a masters as your son has done a 4 year course. The financial contribution doesn’t have to be massive but they should be contributing to food, and I would argue that food shopping needs to be included in the rotation of chores. So when DS finishes his degree, he is expected to do a food shop, 1 week in 3 and he’s expected to ask everyone what they need. I would probably make sure to buy all the expensive bits when it’s yours and DH’s turn and I would also probably cover the cost of things just for DD and her twins.

If DH wants to set a deadline so the kids aren’t living there indefinitely, then to me it needs to be 23-25, give them time to get settled in their career. It might be sooner if you live rurally as there might not be opportunities for them. It sounds like your daughter is being very considerate given her age and circumstances and it’s your DS that is taking the piss.

You need to be on the same page as your dh about this-so the two of you need to have a proper talk about it. If it was us, I think I'd want to make sure the knew she could stay-but that it would be fine we/if she wants to move out too. Maybe agree to have a "family meeting" every 6 months to discuss how it's going? But she's only 18 and she's had a shit time. The priority is making her feel safe and secure.

Parents we want the absolute best for our children. I would support her by letting her stay. She’s got a hill to climb, and with children in tow. Must be really hard, but she can get through it with your kindness, stability and support.

I'm not entirely sure what you're trying to get at with that comment. But If it's intended as judgemental please keep those thoughts to yourself as you have no idea about the circumstances surrounding my grandchildren's conception or what my daughter has been through.

This. I don’t understand why you’re not expecting the same of your ds as your dd. Why does he get to be rota’d to clean the bathroom one week in three and cook once a week yet still not do so when your dd is expected to do double? The twins are a red herring imo.

As for moving out, have you forgotten what it’s like to be 18? Why on earth is your dh ok for your 21 yo ds to stay and not your 18 yo dd? If my dh expected this of my 15 yo dd once she reaches 18, with or without dependents, I would be horrified.

Looks like this is a man from the username. I have reported your comment. Did you read the part, where the man is in prison?

I think I would just say something like

“You are welcome to stay here as long as you need. Once you finish university and are working you will need to contribute to household bills and arranging childcare will be your responsibility. We can talk about what that will cost once you have finished university.”

Your son should also be asked to contribute financially as soon as he finishes uni and also to do more to help. They both need to learn budgeting even if you end up saving the money they give you back for a deposit.

I've reported @ManAboutTown too. But sadly he'll probably get a kick out of that.

@Elswano firstly, you're a fab mum and grandmother. You've brought up a good DD who unfortunately got pregnant and has children at a young age. I say good because in addition to uni she is covering off housework, kids and cooking - many 18 yo would cave and cry at doing chores let alone cooking and baby care for twins.

Keep her at your home until she finds her feet. She will move out eventually, but don't press that button, she's a very young single mum and needs the stability you are providing.

The conversation needs to be with your DH and DS.

Your DS needs to pull his weight, he should not be off the hook - that's how we end up with women in relationships working and also having to keep house and home with lazy partners!
Your DH surely can't be expecting and 18yo mum of twins to move out? Don't assume what he's thinking talk to him.

He may be preparing for retirement and is looking forward to peace and quiet when he does in a few years. But right now, his family need to feel welcome to say in the family home.

BTW my DD has said she's not moving out and when she does she wants me to move in with her 🤣🤣🤣 she's 22yo. My DH, her dad died in 2016 so it's just us and her DB.

What is the lay out of the house and bedrooms? Is there a way for a little space separation? Maybe one room can become a sitting room / office for you and your husband that stays child free.

I agree that given she is 18, there is no need to think long term. But since she has a few years of uni to go, see how you can configure the house to give everyone their own space as much as possible.

Also in your efforts to help, be sure you still keep some time to do the things you and DH did before. If you are always babysitting twin babies you are going to be too tired to go out or do fun things with DH or see friends or whatever you enjoy.

I think it's lovely that she wants to stay with you and that you are both okay with it. Sounds perfect if that's the case. Probably need to discuss boundaries around parenting, financial contributions, and an agreement to have open discussions moving forward if anything needs addressing or tweaking.

I left home at 16; it was kind of tough! No regrets but at least nowadays young adults can save up for their own place if they stay living at home for longer.

Most people don't move out before 25 these days. I didn't move out until 29. Thinking now she's 18 she'll move out is just funny.

Tbh she sounds amazing getting to uni when she has twins. Don't worry, she will want to move out eventually. Hopefully she will get a job when she's finished uni and her daughters will be in school or nursery and maybe then she will feel more like it. My DD went to uni but moved back home and stayed until she met someone and was in her late twentie. Similarly my son is 22 and although could manage to buy somewhere is very happy at home and we are happy having him.

In this situation, I would move out myself and get a bedsit somewhere! Yes, I know, not helpful. But I would hate to be babysitting or living with twin babies at this age, and so would my DH.

Your DDs decision to have these twins at all was really unfortunate. I understand there are difficult circumstances which you havent told us, but why is everybody acting as if this was a a good decision and then expecting you to suffer the consequences? I suppose you can't do much now but suck it up for a few years and yes, make your DS clean and cook too.

I am not expecting my DC to move out any time soon given London rents, but I do expect them to not add more people and responsibilities to the household until they can support them. I don't think this is a big ask.

She’s only 18!, Take the twins out of the equation and his can he resent 18 and 21 year olds living with you?

I think you’re all amazing and I’d love a big house for my DD to live with me and my grandkids. However, DS needs a bit of coaching, he’s someone’s future husband and should be schooled in his share of household chores.

I loved a PP idea of babysitting credits per month so your DD can have some teenage time.

This is just bizarre.

She’s 18 and a single parent with TWO small (presumably non school age) children.

you have supported her (rightly) and this has meant she is able to access 3rd level education.

your DHs expectation she move out forever at 18 is so strange to me, it’s less support than half(?) her peers which makes NO sense as she clearly is going to need more than about 99.5% of 1st year uni students

what in gods name does your DH think and standard day would look like for her if NOT living at home? How would she fund any of it? How would her mental health be?

she sounds like she is doing amazingly in totally sub-ideal conditions. Of course at 18 she can’t fathom setting up her own home… in 5 years life might be totally different.
That said, twin babies is obviously impacting you and him but she and your GCs are family and presumably you chose to support her rather than insist she goes into a mother and baby unit / into forced homelessness so she “can be independent and act like an adult since she wants be one and have children herself”

if he needs “space” can you build a cabin / multipurpose room in the garden so he can “get away” from the hustle and bustle of the main house???

also agree DS should be doing more. He’d do more in. A student house share frankly…