DD never wants to move out

[Elswano]

Not sure where to post, just looking to see if anyone can poke any holes in this plan before we get too attached to the idea.
DD is 18, she's been through a horrible time, I don't want to get in to it on a public form but she has twin DDs, the father (sperm donor) is in prison, he will never be in there life. She's at uni.
Since she turned 18 in June there's been conversation about if she wanted her own place. Today she asked to talk to her dad and I, said she doesn't want to move out, not while at uni and maybe not ever (she said maybe if she met someone but even then she'd hate having to move out).
We are mortgage free, 5 bed, DS (21) still at home too. DDs only real income is her uni loans, we don't want her to get a job until uni is over unless she wants to as her being around for her kids is important. She cooks twice a week, does all the cleaning of her room, the kids room and the playroom, plus her bathroom most weeks.
DH said we need to think about it and discuss it once we've all thought about it.
So basically can anyone think of anything we should discuss before agreeing to her living here with the kiddies long term?

@Elswano your reply to me above tells you the answer to your question. She will never move out because you are happy to sacrifice all your needs for hers
Fair enough. Your choice.

Not charging her rent and board is irresponsible parenting imo and will keep her in teenage dependency forever. You charge her the money not because you need it but because she needs to have the challenge of needing to earn her keep as part of the process of becoming an adult. If you don't need the money you put it into a savings account to be ready to be a deposit when her career reaches the point that she can sustain a mortgage.

I agree with PP that you are also experiencing far too little of your DS, who you are grooming to exoect others to seevice his needs such that he will only move out when he finds a suitably servile gf who won't expect him to pull his weight either.

Yes, your DH shouldn't cooking if he provides for this entire family as a GP and giving up his 5 bed house.

Your DS can step up.

How should DD make money? Between uni and parenting where is the time? Her student loan is spent either on stuff for the kids or getting to and from uni. She's hardly going on girls holidays every month or drinking every weekend!! If we took money off her, how would she provide for her children in terms of clothing, activities etc?

I dont see how she can be a full time mum and a full time student and earn enough to run a home and raise 2 kids to any standard. It's not possible.

I wonder how DCs get to uni from your remote rural home. And how will they find a job, or how will DD in the future so that you can then continue childminding when she works.
it’s hard to plan what their future will be if they have to move far away from you to find work and housing.

Both have cars and drive to uni.
DD is studying primary education so will likely be able to find a job in one of the primary schools locally. DS is doing his MPharm and luckily pharmacist are also needed locally. They both considered being able to continue to live rurally when choosing their courses.

Yes, your DH shouldn't cooking if he provides for this entire family as a GP and giving up his 5 bed house.

Lol at the husband only having to go to work. But his son can do full time study and step up. 🙄 Of course the DH should cook and do other things too. They all should, they’re all busy people.

If your DS was living alone he would have to cook 7 times a week and clean the bathroom weekly. Don’t set him up to think it’s women’s work as he watches his sister and sits on his backside rather than cooking his 1 meal a week and 1 bathroom clean every three weeks.

Why do you think him contributing is punishment? Also why jump to your dh dropping a cooking session? Maybe use a rota as to who gets a second night off? Make sure you aren’t treating your dd different BECAUSE she is female.

He lives there and needs to contribute his fair share. In fact why wouldn’t he want to?

This wouldn't work for me. And that's fine too. We have the space and can afford it but it's ok for all this to have an end date. You should have almost finished bringing your kids up and the end line has suddenly disappeared up to your death.

Do both kids understand that in lieu of a financial contribution they must be saving? I'd worry that they have no real understanding of tightening their belts. No real understanding of budgeting, paying bills, adulting in general and they'll make tiresome and fiscally lazy partners.

Do they imagine future partners should also move in? That would be a line my DH absolutely could not deal with.

Your DS is part of the household therefore he should contribute to the household whether financially or by taking on some household tasks.

He didn't suddenly arrive at 21 did he? 3 years ago what was he contributing? When you get a take away who pays?

I take your point about him taking care of the garden but I, like others thing it is wrong he gets to check out of contributing.

When he doesn't clean the bathroom who does?

Your DD is attending uni, looking after two small children and still cooking and cleaning. Yes if she moved out she would be doing all that but she would only be cooking for 1 adult and 2 toddlers. She would be cleaning a bathroom every week, but only after herself.

If your DS moved out his workload would increase much more than hers.

If you count the twins as 1 adult your DD, DH and you are effectively cooking for 5 people twice a week, so 10 meals each but your DS is only expected to cook 5 and then often it is 0.

I think it comes down to he works 8-6 (often later), none of the rest of us do. He is the one who is "providing" the food etc.
I think it's also DD and I like cooking, DS and DH don't. Equally DD and I never cut the grass as we'd hate that!!
It's also we are not all equally responsible for the grandchildren, DD is responsible for meeting their needs.

I take on what everyone is saying about DS needing to contribute more. That will definitely be discussed.
Beyond reshuffling cooking, I'm not sure what more to ask of him (50/50 bathroom cleaning?) I do all the communal areas as I like to and it keeps me busy on my mornings off, I don't want help with that!!

I am going to assume the DH is in his fifties. Not an easy job at that age, and then to come home to screaming toddlers. Her DS is cooking once a week. And I assume he doesn't have a part time job as not mentioned..

Or maybe everyone can cook for themselves some of the time. Its what we do with uni age DD at home and busy jobs. Or batch cook.

I am usually never on the side of the DH in these situations, but I feel for him. I think, OP, you want posters to say your DH should be entirely happy at this situation. He won't be. You appear to be happy with this level of sacrifice, but he won't be. You are going to have to choose who you would rather make unhappy, your DC or your DH.

I think you need a family meeting. Draw up a schedule of who is busy when with work, uni, babysitting, bath and bedtime for the children, and then see how much free time everyone has and when. Then divide out the tasks like making dinner, cleaning etc. You’re not going to get anywhere without talking to everyone and getting their thoughts. I don’t think it has to be this hard and involving everyone on mumsnet is making it seem more complex than it should be. 😅

Do look after your daughter though, it sounds like she’s been through a lot and is coping extremely well. I’m sure a lot of that is down to having a lovely family so there will be a way through that suits everyone.

Come on now. How often does the grass need to be cut? Are you saying for six months of the year that your son rests on his laurels because the rest of the year he cuts the grass every now and again?

If you've gone part time, then I think you should pick up more of the cooking than your husband, though I think your children should be cooking more than they do, too.

I was just making a point that we all do the tasks that we are best at, I agree DS could do more though.

How would you split the cooking over the 7 days?

Can't spot any other replies from twin parents!

Your DD deserves a medal. Raising twins is incredibly hard, even in my 30s with a supportive DH. I would have had zero ability to do a degree as well, let alone as a single mum. She doesn't need to learn anything about work ethic, budgeting can come when needed and if you support her through the harder times (it does get easier!) her confidence will grow and as a fully qualified teacher of a couple of years her mind is likely to change about independence and moving out very naturally, so I wouldn't bother discussing any details, just say she can always have a home with you if she needs it.

DS might work longer hours but he was hugely more free time. Bathroom should definitely be 50:50, and if he's not keen on cooking then make sure it's fair in the amount of other jobs he's picking up.

How old are the twins?

They are 2

I think you are over thinking it. Assume she's here for uni. Then play it by ear. Likelihood is she will meet someone and get a place together. But once she's working she will need to pay rent and just see how it goes at some point if you feel ready for your own space you could discuss it then. Same for your son. Regarding household contributions, they should both contribute equally plus your dd should cover her dc mess/washing etc. Rent we never charged until our were working full time

Wow so she succeeded with A-levels and GCSES with them too? Big respect. Tell her I found three was when they became less of little terrors!

When she's 25, she's been working a couple of years, and they're 9, I reckon it will all feel different and your DH will miss them when they go. You are all very lucky to have this time together, you'd never get it back.

You are also a great mum to be helping her through this.

Couldn’t agree more. He’s the one I’d prefer to move out. You sound like fabulous parents though, and there’s lots to admire about your daughter.

Yes, she did her GCSEs while pregnant then her A-Levels just summer this year when they were , got ABB so we were very very very proud!!

There was a similar post a while ago where a poster wanted to help her DC with childcare, and her DH just wanted a quiet life after working for years.

Well big respect to her, I was also a parent at 16 (he’s 30 now) and went to Uni, but I had a single child and he was 4 when I started my degree. You don’t need to look too far into the future right now, your daughter will naturally stay until she graduates and then take it from there. My nieces are both still at home in their late 20’s, it’s quite normal now. I moved out at 18, but then my mum was very interfering and my decision to move 250 miles away for a job at 18 was partly due to that. You sound like a really supportive mum to your DD in difficult circumstances. It sounds like everything is working well to me, I get your DH sometimes getting tired of young kids running around as he wasn’t expecting it at this time of life but it is what it is, and I’m sure your DD is very grateful for both parents support