DD never wants to move out

[Elswano]

Not sure where to post, just looking to see if anyone can poke any holes in this plan before we get too attached to the idea.
DD is 18, she's been through a horrible time, I don't want to get in to it on a public form but she has twin DDs, the father (sperm donor) is in prison, he will never be in there life. She's at uni.
Since she turned 18 in June there's been conversation about if she wanted her own place. Today she asked to talk to her dad and I, said she doesn't want to move out, not while at uni and maybe not ever (she said maybe if she met someone but even then she'd hate having to move out).
We are mortgage free, 5 bed, DS (21) still at home too. DDs only real income is her uni loans, we don't want her to get a job until uni is over unless she wants to as her being around for her kids is important. She cooks twice a week, does all the cleaning of her room, the kids room and the playroom, plus her bathroom most weeks.
DH said we need to think about it and discuss it once we've all thought about it.
So basically can anyone think of anything we should discuss before agreeing to her living here with the kiddies long term?

She's only 18 with twins I doubt she will.want to live at home forever ,but it sounds like she has a fairly comfortable life and you are offering her a lot of support at the moment ,realistically if she moves out now her and her children, s standard of living will.drop.dramatically and she will struggle a lot more so I don't blame her for saying at home for now.

Even though OP has said she doesn't think he would mind doing a little (and it really is a little!) more than now?

I don't think it's a great life lesson to just request someone does the absolute minimum it is 'reasonable' to do, rather than chatting as a family and saying that it would be great if he could please take on these couple of extra things to help the family as a whole.

His sister has been through something unimaginable. Asking him to do a couple of extra bits is not punishing him for that, it's teaching him that life can be hard and having a supportive family (working in both directions as it sounds like they are all lovely people) is important and something to really be valued and cherished. That when our loved ones go through something and need a little help (in this case, simply cooking one less meal a week and cleaning the bathroom one less time every three weeks) it is a loving and kind thing to offer that help. And that when it's you needing the support, everyone will be there for you too.

I would agree it would be too much if people were suggesting he babysit the twins every week etc but nobody has suggested anything like that.

I don't think your DH should be cooking unless he wants to. For him to work 8-6 and then come home and cook a meal is quite unreasonable imo. It should be split DD 2, DS 2, you 3 (or rotate who does 3, or have one takeout a week).

I agree with the suggestion of a private living room for you and DH.

I agree with the previous poster. He is the twins UNCLE and a resident in the house. Its a unified family, surely? I really don’t like the way the twins are treated as though their lives/toys/noise/mess are an intrusion on the “real” or lawful family’s space and time. While their mother has primary responsibility are the children being raised to understand they are sn inconvenience and an imposition? With a father in prison and sll the scary stuff the OP alludes to it would be wise for the family to give some thought to the subliminal messages they are sending dd and her children. Are they there on sufferance? Is 21 year old uncle the “good “ child?

In all honesty if I had to have a new batch of twins next year they would definitely be in my house on sufferance.
I survived it once when I was much younger but really wouldn't want to do it again.

It doesn't sound as so df is being unsupportive so much as he was looking forward to an end of the baby/toddler/ young dc in his house stage.

He may also have some emotional issues around what sounds like a complicated birth situation. He may also have some resentment towards his dd that he doesn't feel able to express freely particularly if abuse issues form part of the picture. None of this would be surprising.

Nobody has said anything about them being an inconvenience

But you need to be realistic - their presence has turned the entire family upside down permanently. That's hard.

You said it better than me.

While it's obviously important that the vast majority of the focus is on DD, some people do seem to be deliberately ignoring the impact of what happened on the wider family too.

People are saying that asking the DS to do extra isn't unreasonable but I think you do have to be really careful how you go about adding any extra workload as it could cause a pretty nasty rift between the two siblings.

Just wanted to say you sound like a really lovely parent and your kids are lucky to have such a supportive and kind environment. I agree with you that if you can afford to support them, it doesn't make sense for your daughter to try to earn as well as get her education and care for the twins.

You asked about cooking rota. I think as a general rule each adult in a house should cook at least once a week. So maybe you x 2, DD x 2, DS x 2, DH x 1. BTW no idea why people are saying this could "cause a rift" as this is completely unrelated to the toddlers even existing, if your kids had both stayed at home for uni you would all be living there anyway and I'd be saying the same. If there's a takeaway night etc I think that's probably DH's night rather than your son's, since DH works more hours and is terrible at cooking!

I can tell you're protective of the housework etc but think what else DS could do to chip in that would make him a better partner/father in the future i.e. inside jobs like hoovering, cleaning the kitchen more often.

To answer your main question I think I'd be talking to your husband and saying you will revisit it when she's graduated if he's also happy with that. The kids will be 5 by then and at school. Very different situation for everyone.

no idea why people are saying this could "cause a rift" as this is completely unrelated to the toddlers even existing, if your kids had both stayed at home for uni you would all be living there anyway and I'd be saying the same.

I don't think the DS cooking an extra dinner each week could cause a rift on it's own, but I just think you need to be careful about how you go about discussing any changes in workload here because it could very easily cause an argument.

I also think saying it's "unrelated to the toddlers even existing" is too simplistic as it ignores the fact that the toddlers have already turned the family upside down.

The toddlers have turned the family upside down?

The implicit assumption is that the toddlers are a mistake and their presence should be minimized. I understand the sentiment but don’t be surprised if in twenty years the kids are on stately homes remembering that they were treated as surplus to need, not children of the family who were welcomed as full members.

Yes, I think there's something in just 'this is the family situation, let's all dig in and see what we can do.' I mean if DD had no kids but DS had a hugely debilitating illness would everyone be saying 'make sure DS washes up as many plates as DD tho.'?

I would never seriously compare my or anyone else's twins to a dehabilitating illness, they are a blessing in so many ways but jolly hard work! You can acknowledge that though without making them personally feel like a burden.

This all sounds very much ideal, or close to it, for everyone.

I'm not sure why you needed any advice!

Babies, by their very nature, turn people's lives upside down. It's not a criticism or an insult - it's just a fact and doesn't mean treating them like a mistake or a burden.

@pikkumyy77 The twins aren’t a mistake, but they’re an unexpected additional responsibility for the OP and her DH. GP’s especially do suffer from high levels of stress and burnout .

I agree with @Bristolnewcomer ’s advice:

To answer your main question I think I'd be talking to your husband and saying you will revisit it when she's graduated if he's also happy with that. The kids will be 5 by then and at school. Very different situation for everyone.

I do think you need to give your DS a few more jobs to do because he will one day leave home and he will need to be domesticated. Whether he moves out to live alone or with others, he's going to need to cook and he's going to need to do some cleaning. It's not punishing him in any way, it's just being an adult part of a household. I would get him to actually cook that meal every week that he's supposed to. If you fancy a takeaway on his night, you get one but he cooks the next night and either you or your DD get another night off. You should delegate some of that communal area cleaning to him. I know you say you don't mind doing it, but consider it your duty as a mother of young man to train him in this. Even if someone else can do it, he should do it anyway. Every adult in the household should be doing some kind of regular household task, not just a bit of gardening when the weather is favourable and they feel like it. Do you want him to have a functioning, positive relationship when he eventually moves in with someone? Presumably you do so you should teach him how to be an adult who takes a share of the load and is responsible for tasks now, in your home, because he lives there too. In the long run you'll be doing him a favour.

I do think it sounds as if you're happy for both kids to stay forever and your DH isn't...

And as if you're setting both kids up to live a rather carefree and unrealistic life - will you REALLY be able to support this into your old age? What if they still expect you to house and provide for them into your 70s, 80s etc?

What if they meet people, move them in... and expect those partners to also enjoy the carefree life supported by you?

Most likely though, what if they find partners, move out and find they're totally unprepared for living in the real world, where most of their income has to go on living costs, people have to do jobs they don't like much...

I think the next four or five years, you've not a lot of choice but to have DD living with you, but you should be thinking longer term, and prepping for longer term and I don't think you realise its not doing either kid or your DH any favours if you don't.