Why are families so utterly shit

[whyamiawakestill]

I just need to rage and get this out, if anyone has similar stories please share as I feel a bit lost.

My dad died a couple of years ago, my brother lives overseas.

My elderly mum is in a financial pickle not enough savings, and will be out of money in about 3 years.

I'm trying help, to step in and get her permanent housing sorted sooner rather than later, we are selling cars, stoping our own plans, cutting back so we can find extra money.

It's stressful and hard but I'm willing to do anything to help my own mum, she's lovely and this isn't her fault it's due to having a father with mental health issues who couldn't earn for many years.

I finally have hit a wall I can't get enough so I messaged my brother a few days ago to ask further help. I'm talking £100-£200 a month. He's working, owns a home, no dependents. Has holiday plans, new cars etc he's ok, not minted but ok for money.

And he's said sorry no I can't afford to help.

So basically I'm on my own and I just feel so so angry, my poor dad would be livid.

How on earth do I move forward with this anger? I'm crying typing this, I can't even understand that level of selfish.

Can you call your brother & have a conversation?

I can, with time zones. But what's the point I guess he didn't come back for his father funeral, I guess I'm just on my own.

It's ok I'll get something sorted I think I just feel utterly let down. That's it that's my family we have no one else.

I'm that stereotype of 49, teenagers off to uni soon, worked non stop my whole life, trying to balance HRT, my own life just seems on hold and now I'm the sole help for my mum.

I just feel utterly deflated.

What exactly does your mother need help with?
How old is she?

She's 80 and living in private rental, so ideally a smaller secure home. She has a stare pension and 40k in the bank, but fuel, living and rental will zap everything in a few years.

I'm trying to find a shared scheme but I'd need to raise the share of the money for her and get another mortgage. The best we've found is 65k plus legal fees.

I had some great advice on shared schemes on another thread - but then I'd assumed my brother would help even a few hundred would make a massive difference. .

What on earth do I do if she needs care in the future, and I guess I'm alone when something happens to her.

It's just so sad. I thought I had a sibling but clearly I don't.

I know it sounds so harsh but your mums financial situation isn't your brothers issue to pick up, nor yours.

She has 40k in the bank which is a lot more than many. Housing benefit will help with private rent if needed and there are sheltered housing associations with homes available for low rent that have 24 hour assistance etc available

Could you use that 40K to adapt your own property so she has room with you?
I assume she's not a high priority for a social housing property for over 55s as she has over the savings threshold?

Contact the council regarding housing options for older people. Sheltered social rented housing may well be a better option for her than shared ownership. If she has no income beyond state pension then she’d be entitled to housing benefit to assist with the rent once her savings reached the qualifying level.

Depending on your mother’s age, you’re asking your brother for a financial commitment which could go on for decades. That’s not a reasonable request, particularly not when there are other avenues to explore.

Afraid not we've explored that but live in a very small house, no spare room and not enough bathrooms for even the 4 of us.

When the teens are gone it could be an option, but then the money will be gone too.

Yeh I'll just leave her to sort it all herself shall i?

Is that you DB?

@whyamiawakestill but what are you meant to do?
Millions of elderly people are in her situation and have no savings, never mind £40ks worth.

She isn't in dire straits and there are housing options available for elderly people through sheltered housing.

I'm sorry but that is a very selfish and ridiculous mindset to have.

@whyamiawakestill welldone for being there for your mother in her time of need. It's a shame about your brother but you can't force him. Do what you can and maybe try to speak to him again and see if he will have a change of heart.

With that attitude I'm not surprised he won't help.

Your mother has £40,000 and a state pension. She is better off than most. Perhaps her late husband or she ought to have provided better for their old age.

Your attitude is one my sister takes - that I ought to give up my life and my money to look after mum just because I don't have any children.

I already spend 3 nights a week at her care home after work and half day Saturday and Sunday but that isn't enough for my sister who does nothing and says I should do it all just because she has one 10 year old who lives 50% with her dad and my sister barely works.

Why are you so enmeshed with your mum?

@Ilovelifeverymuch how is it selfish or ridiculous?!
It's real life, her mum is 80 and has £40k plus pension. Secure housing can be with sheltered housing or long term let.
Or in her home once her kids have moved out.

@misssunshine4040 sorry I was rude I'm just not in the mood for the fact my parents raised educated both of us, worked hard and through poor health and shit planning mum has herself in a situation.

Until a couple of years ago this was t something I wasn't aware of I kind of stupidly assumed they had it covered until dad's death I had no clue what mums future looked like.

I'll just bust a gut to help her, I just wanted to have a rant about my brothers disgusting "not my issue" approach.

Listen I know 40k in the bank is more than some, I'm not a total muppet, I just wanted to give mum a home of her own for however long she's on the planet.

I'll call councils but unless I take her money which is fraud I'll have to wait until she's at £16k

And I'm trying to do something now, not in a few years as she may have to leave her current rental.

@Goodornot I'm not your sister. And my brother does nothing, he's not in the country and I've simply asked if he can spare a few hundred quid a month for his own mother?

Housing benefit will step in when she runs out of money. You don't need to buy her a home!

This is just creating problems where there are none.

His mother who until now has housed herself just fine and has £40,000 in savings too?

That mother?

She's housed adequately and will get HB when she runs out of money. Stop making problems and calling your family shit because you want to buy your mum a property for no real reason.

"Simply" asking him for a few hundred quid a month...listen to yourself.

Your brother isn't wrong though.
She sounds like she's a fantastic mum and you have a lovely relationship but surely she wouldn't want to see you bust a gut for bricks and mortar.

Look at the local housing options and get some advice.

You won't need to take her money to leave £16k. I'm confused? She simply pays for her living costs from her own money until she is entitled to benefits

@Goodornot I think you may have your own issues you are projecting on me.

@Ilovelifeverymuch thank you!

I think you may be losing your shit over nothing.

Your mum doesn't need to own property. HB will be provided for her rent when she runs out of money and you are being so unreasonable for asking for hundreds a month from family for a house that she does not need.

If your poor dad would be livid he ought to have provided for his wife a bit better himself.

The way you speak to people who don't agree with you is awful.

But keep your way I am done.

Very gently your Mum’s financial situation is ok and your plans don’t make sense- you risk depriving your own dc and getting into a real mess. Your brother does sound shit yes- but he’s right here.

Ok so to get this straight am I understanding that regardless of parents situations in later life the majority just sit back and don't help?

And I'm the idiot trying to get mum into a secure home. And I should just sit back and wait to see what she's offered in 2-3 years? Or wait fur her to be thrown out of her rental?

Am I also correct in assuming no family members ever club together for their parent?

I'm not trying to buy her some palace here, just a shared scheme where she can be secure.