Why are families so utterly shit

[whyamiawakestill]

I just need to rage and get this out, if anyone has similar stories please share as I feel a bit lost.

My dad died a couple of years ago, my brother lives overseas.

My elderly mum is in a financial pickle not enough savings, and will be out of money in about 3 years.

I'm trying help, to step in and get her permanent housing sorted sooner rather than later, we are selling cars, stoping our own plans, cutting back so we can find extra money.

It's stressful and hard but I'm willing to do anything to help my own mum, she's lovely and this isn't her fault it's due to having a father with mental health issues who couldn't earn for many years.

I finally have hit a wall I can't get enough so I messaged my brother a few days ago to ask further help. I'm talking £100-£200 a month. He's working, owns a home, no dependents. Has holiday plans, new cars etc he's ok, not minted but ok for money.

And he's said sorry no I can't afford to help.

So basically I'm on my own and I just feel so so angry, my poor dad would be livid.

How on earth do I move forward with this anger? I'm crying typing this, I can't even understand that level of selfish.

@whyamiawakestill , you said

"Yes I'm really upset that it's come to this and I didn't factor any of this into my own life, I guess until your parents get old you don't"

IME it was once you realise you need help with sorting out your elderly parents and your siblings don't bother. That was the crux of it for me, thinking people you have looked up to all your life ( I was the youngest) would actually step up without being asked, like as if they genuinely wanted to help a mum who was good to them. But seeing the reality of them shrugging their shoulders and not bothering makes the situation a million times harder.
Unfortunately i think its quite common too.

@ssd I'm 8 years younger, and yes it's exactly that like a lunch in the gut.

The funeral was bad enough. I'll adjust I have no choice in the matter and that twat can live the high life, with his holidays in Dubai, jet setting and fancy homes and apartments.

I've been told on the thread to assume he has money issues I'm unaware off so...let just hope he don't loose it all and need any help in later life.

@ssd punch!

She could go into a state funded care home?

She's active and healthy and doesn't need care, she's like a 65 year old no health or care needs yet.

Editing first paragraph as I see OP's mother is 80, not in fact 65.

Consider that your brother may have had a very different experience of your parents than you had. 8 years can make a big difference in the family situation.

@lifeisrough no she's 80, I said she's "like" a 65 year old in her health and attitude. Not a little old lady that needs any care at all right now.

If you're looking at moving her at this stage of her life, I honestly think renting in sheltered housing would be a better idea.

What if you buy her a house and then she needs care or more assistance within months or a couple of years? What if she struggles with the upkeep of the house before long? Things can change quite quickly.

I understand you want to do your best by your mum and I also understand your disappointment in your brother, but in a way it's better to find out now that you are essentially alone in your mother's future care now rather than later and plan accordingly.

Hey op.

that must be a horrible feeling, being alone to cope with everything by yourself. Just horrible. I think your brother is in an out of sight out of mind situation. Especially if he hadn’t seen your mom in a while.

I do think you need to take a deep breath she have a think about the options (and reslise That people being blunt here isn’t personal and getting snippy back won’t help!). I wonder if staying where she is might be a better option and less stressful for her? Just a thought.

one thing to be wary of with the sheltered living places are that the service fees can be very high so be aware of that going forward.

good luck op. Don’t forget about yourself in all this. Your dad would be livid if you made yourself ill over this.

Hopefully she lives out her life that way. I've seen it happen that people are very active till the last few weeks in their 90s.

@lifeisrough I hope so too, gives me hope for my 80s to be zooming around and active.

Thanks, yes I apologised to poster up thread fighting fire with directions my normal default but some comments a beyond.

She can't stay where she is unfortunately without too much information it's unsafe. So the need to move has come about due to an issue with the property that's meaning she can't sleep or relax in her home.

@BitOutOfPractice sort that didn't make much sense.

Meant to say fighting fire with fire isn't my normal default.

Have you looked at almshouses? They can be quite community minded and some offer limited assistance.. Google them in your local area

Simply asking for a few hundred quid each month? YABVU.

Reading your updates OP I definitely think sheltered accommodation is your best bet. She can continue living independently for now but she'd be in a flat that's accessible if her mobility reduces, and they are all set up if she'd need carers to come in daily in future etc.

She would just pay rent for one of these units privately for now like she is to her current landlord, then she'd claim benefits when her savings are below a certain level. I honestly don't see what benefit there would be to buying her somewhere.

I know it's not great that she will need to use her savings before getting help but she really is fortunate to have the 40k to be honest. I'm sorry people are saying things like you're parents should have planned for the future better - if only it were that simple! My parents worked all their lives and ended up retiring with next to nothing. It's difficult when you know your mum has tried her best to get judgemental comments like that, so please try and ignore them.

I would start by googling sheltered accommodation and over 55s housing in her area, see what's out there.

I mean this kindly but you need to learn to step back and say no. Your brother is right. Your Mum has £40k in the bank, when she doesn’t have any left the council will have to house her and pay her rent it’s that’s simple. You’re making this a lot more complex than it is. I know you love her and want to help and of course that’s commendable but it’s not your mess financially. (My Mum died in 2019, she had bowel cancer and we had to apply for continuing nhs care for her for funding as she had a house she couldn’t sell in time to release the funds and she died in a nursing home). Your first duty is to yourself. Your Mum would want that too.

I know op. Being tired and stressed and worried makes us all a bit tetchy! 😬

I see, she needs to move. I do think that you scrimping and saving to try and buy somewhere might be a false economy though. Like I say, take a deep breath and don’t rush into anything in a panic

I've not heard of that I'll google thank you.

OP this is the sad reality with families yes .
My mums family had a pretty well off brother whom worked abroad he wouldn’t pay £800 for a bed my Grandparents needed.

You have asked your brother and you know where you stand some people are just shit.
you are trying to help like I would but not everyone is the same and that we have to accept or we feel like you do now .

I do think you are worrying over nothing about your DM. She is adequately housed just now and housing will offer her something if and when the time comes that she needs to move .
Our parents lived there lives the way they chose we have to do the same .
You have options available when the time comes, just maybe not the ones you would have chosen.
Buying a place would be lovely but maybe it’s to late in the day for that .

I’m sorry op, haven’t read the whole thread but I agree with your siblings. You DM has 40k in the bank and state pension, she’s in a much better position than a lot of people her age. You’re worried she will run out of money in 3 years? If she does then she will have to claim benefits like everyone else. Securing a more affordable property is the only thing she needs to worry about, you and your siblings should not have to financially support her whilst she has 40k in her bank.

I don’t think anyone has mentioned pension credit. There isn’t a £16000 cut off for claiming this although many people think so. Her capital will be taken into account in the calculation and she may not be entitled to it now but may in the future. I recommend a visit to citizens advice who can help you both talk through your mother’s options,

The trouble with the current system - and I’ve been there with my mother and MIL although they were very frail in their 80s - is the more you do for a relative, the more the authorities will sit back and let you do. If you sell your car, use your own savings etc to support your mother’s situation, you’re only financially depriving yourself for the long term future and saving the government money from paying benefits to your mother which she will be entitled to.

The authorities don’t care if you burn yourself out. Nothing gets done until there’s a crisis and as long as you are ‘coping’ with your mother’s requirements, she will not be considered any sort of priority. Meanwhile your physical and mental health will suffer which then becomes another issue.

No matter how wonderful a parent has been, there shouldn’t expectation that you automatically become their carer, although I do get the ‘guilt’ thing and the fact that it tends to mostly fall onto adult female children. If you were overseas, like your DB, you wouldn’t be able to be as hands on either so try not to feel it’s all down to you. Your mother won’t be ‘thrown out’ of her home and on to the streets either. She will have choices. If she’s of sound mind, she needs to be making her own plans for what she wants for the future too.

My sister thinks I'm utterly shit for not wanting to help our mum in the way she does/thinks I should. I have my relationship with our mum and she has hers, they are different and lead us to different conclusions. I feel I have the right to my opinions as much as my sister has to hers.

Nail on the head. When the money runs out, she'll get more state benefits, i.e. help with rent, pension credit, etc. You really are creating problems out of nothing.

Your parents didn't plan for the future. Your mother has been living in rented accommodation, presumably, for a long time, so why now are you looking at shared ownership etc? "Owning" her own home is the ship that sailed years/decades ago.

You have to deal with the realities of the here and now. I think YABU to expect your brother to contribute "a few hundred" potentially for years/decades and nor should you. Just let here spend her savings and then she can claim more state benefits.