Why are families so utterly shit

[whyamiawakestill]

I just need to rage and get this out, if anyone has similar stories please share as I feel a bit lost.

My dad died a couple of years ago, my brother lives overseas.

My elderly mum is in a financial pickle not enough savings, and will be out of money in about 3 years.

I'm trying help, to step in and get her permanent housing sorted sooner rather than later, we are selling cars, stoping our own plans, cutting back so we can find extra money.

It's stressful and hard but I'm willing to do anything to help my own mum, she's lovely and this isn't her fault it's due to having a father with mental health issues who couldn't earn for many years.

I finally have hit a wall I can't get enough so I messaged my brother a few days ago to ask further help. I'm talking £100-£200 a month. He's working, owns a home, no dependents. Has holiday plans, new cars etc he's ok, not minted but ok for money.

And he's said sorry no I can't afford to help.

So basically I'm on my own and I just feel so so angry, my poor dad would be livid.

How on earth do I move forward with this anger? I'm crying typing this, I can't even understand that level of selfish.

There was a time when families would always help the older generation. In other words, money would flow up the generations. This is certainly true in many other countries around the world, especially developing countries. When does it become unusual in Britain? I guess with property prices surging, it is now commonplace for the parents to be leaving money, and supporting their kids, not the other way round.
My sympathies with you OP. It is a problem that perhaps more people will be faced with in years to come.

I am sorry you are upset. You have been through a lot and can’t sleep which is awful. I think most people would help their parents out a bit but not to the extent of committing to a few hundred pounds a month for many years. How can your brother make this commitment. He may be responsibly saving up and making his investments for his retirement.
You are boing very hard on your brother. It would not be a good idea to damage a relationship with him while you are angry. He probably had a much different experience to you growing up. My sister and I had a very different experience from our brother who is 6 years younger. He would do anything for our Mum unlike us.

I think it's too much to ask anyone for hundreds of pounds a month to bail out their parents.

She needs to move hence the thread, so she's In a private rental with safety issues.

Small 1/2 bed rentals around her are £1400 a month for smaller places, she's living in a cheaper area than me, small private rentals are more here, so we can afford to move her closer.

I also was totally unaware that social housing was even an option hence starting my search looking at the shared ownership schemes which on paper look feasible and cheaper than private rent.

I'm exploring the other options today.

When you say move her closer, how far away are you? Has she said she's willing to do this? An 80 year is unlikely to want to give up their social and support networks they have locally. It sounds like she's doing really well, so best not to take away the things that are contributing to that. Of course, if she's close enough to do that anyway, this doesn't apply.

@whyamiawakestill , maybe he does have money issues but maybe he just has no bloody heart, thats the problem with my siblings, I'm all right jack and eff anyone else

OP , when you ring the council , make sure you tell them that her rental is unsafe and why , and when she's registered , this should move her up the list , especially at her age .

The council won’t house someone who has 40k in their bank. I have just had this issue with my DF as he had over 18k in savings.

@lifeisrough she's approx 3.5 hours away from us so to visit sort this and help is a 6-7 hour round trip.

We've discussed moving closer, but unfortunately we live in a much more expensive area so that doesn't work, even basics like food and fuel cost more across the different counties.

I’d have said that tte OP is exactly in YOUR situation, helping her mum as much as she can whilst her siblings refuses to help?

Strange to have a go at someone who has tte same attitude than you tbh.

Your posts conflate two meanings of the word 'help'.
There is financial help, and practical help.

There is no need for either you or your brother to give your mum financial help. In some cultures, it is considered wrong to give money to your elderly parents, you should be giving/saving it for your children. It is the responsibility of the state to give financial help where it is needed, as that is partly what we pay our taxes for.

In term of practical help, i.e. making arrangements, research, daily tasks, shopping, visiting, etc. it is a shame that this has all fallen to you, but realistically what can your brother do if he is in another country? It would be nice if you had the kind of relationship where you could phone him up to talk things over, for him to be a sounding board and emotional support for you, but you are wrong to expect money from him.

Btw Kids don’t leave home when they go to uni, they come home in the holidays and often after uni too so giving her a child’s room isn’t really an option.

The best thing to do is for your mum to continue renting. When her earnings diminish she'll get pension credits and help with her rent. If she were to buy somewhere even with shared ownership then she couldn't afford any repairs anyway.

I would be looking for her to move near to you - it's going to be a nightmare caring for her at that distance. The money you save in petrol can go to your mum if you want but I wouldn't put that through the bank - perhaps do online shopping for her?

The problem with buying is if she does need care later on she will have to sell her home to pay for it.

But if yiu do buy something I would not buy a house. I'd buy a bungalow or ground floor flat. But I can see yiur brothers perspective his mum is comfortable has a home has 40k in the bank has lived in her home for 12 years and isn't been evicted? If your mum is going to be evicted the council would house her.

Maybe ring shelter and discuss your concerns?

You say in 3 to 4 years time she will be out of money. At 80 you don't know what may happen in this time. Enjoy every moment and live in the here and now and help her financially in 3 years at that point apply to the council for housing near you if she needs family support.

I feel like telling her to take a year and travel the world stay in luxury hotels, go on cruise's and live her best life and only come back when she's down to her last 16k.

I genuinely didn't know or expect that the government genuinely helps or supports so to my mind it's something I was trying to work out.

I'm still not convinced that the government support is enough for her to live in, but I'm doing all the research and chatting to friends about how they have helped.

The £16,000 limit is for benefits, not for social housing.

Your mum can have £40,000 in the bank and live in a council property.

You are correct, your mum should start enjoying her money instead of it sitting in the bank😉Does she have everything she needs, furniture, clothes etc?
Start withdrawing £50-£100 extra per week after bills are paid for a "rainy day fund". The money will go down quicker.

Contact the council and make an application, tell them her home is unsafe and she may get more points. Also tell them she needs to be moved to your area as you are her carer. I know my local council let's people apply to be moved into the area if they have family in that area and are receiving support. Also list any health issues your mum has.

Or maybe he can see what lots of others on the thread can and knows it’s unnecessary and that the OP is getting in a panic without looking into what actually needs to be done rationally. Maybe he’ll help when it’s something that actually needs to be helped with.

If your mum needs to claim housing benefit I think you should check out the local housing allowance for her area. That is normally the maximum they'll pay (I believe).

You can find the rates here https://lha-direct.voa.gov.uk/search.aspx

If you are not caring for your mum I think it is unlikely that she would be accepted on the home choice register in your area. Definitely more research needed

I think you have very high and unrealistic expectations. It's very kind of you to want to make sure your mum has the best time during her remaining years... but to ask your brother to contribute that amount of money is alot actually. When it sounds like your mother would be fine without it. She will be entitled to social care and housing.. you need to get a social care assessment done and they will advise on her needs and what might be available for her..
She has far more than alot of 80year olds.
I mean your standards are your own but to expect your brother to support them and being angry that he doesn't want to is really quite harsh.
And it sounds like if you do this much for your mum it's actually going to negatively effect your own life. But these are decisions you are making... properly research what she is entitled to from the government and what social housing options she may have before putting your own life on the line or expecting your brother to. You have assumed responsibility for a lot and seem to expect your brother to do that to... without really investigating what the state will do for her first.
And it really sounds like even with the financial help from your brother your ideas would be a struggle for you to implement. I know its very stressful but you have been racing ahead trying to sort it all yourself and I think you are both taking on too much responsibility yourself and expecting too much from your brother. You need to link in with social care.. you cannot do this alone or even just with your brother. You both have your own lives to think about which it sounds like he is wisely doing

Maybe he can support his sister and discuss options with her instead of leaving her feeling alone in the decisions regarding THEIR mum. And then op might be able to come to a rational decision instead of panicking and asking strangers online.

My neighbour is just slowing down at 96, still drives about in his car and is bright as a button. I'm sure she's got many happy and active years yet and she's lucky to have such a caring daughter to support her. Hope you find the perfect place for her to live soon so she can relax.