Why are families so utterly shit

[whyamiawakestill]

I just need to rage and get this out, if anyone has similar stories please share as I feel a bit lost.

My dad died a couple of years ago, my brother lives overseas.

My elderly mum is in a financial pickle not enough savings, and will be out of money in about 3 years.

I'm trying help, to step in and get her permanent housing sorted sooner rather than later, we are selling cars, stoping our own plans, cutting back so we can find extra money.

It's stressful and hard but I'm willing to do anything to help my own mum, she's lovely and this isn't her fault it's due to having a father with mental health issues who couldn't earn for many years.

I finally have hit a wall I can't get enough so I messaged my brother a few days ago to ask further help. I'm talking £100-£200 a month. He's working, owns a home, no dependents. Has holiday plans, new cars etc he's ok, not minted but ok for money.

And he's said sorry no I can't afford to help.

So basically I'm on my own and I just feel so so angry, my poor dad would be livid.

How on earth do I move forward with this anger? I'm crying typing this, I can't even understand that level of selfish.

I think getting in touch with the council, or even the Citizen’s Advice Bureau, to see what your mum would be entitled to in a few years is sensible. Honestly, I am a single mum on a decent salary and I can barely make ends meet. You don’t know what will happen in the future and as other posters have said, it makes no sense to get yourself into more debt. What happens when your DC want to go to university and you need to help with their costs? Or college or to buy their first home?

She can also claim attendants allowance which is extra income x

It does sound to me as if at least one part of the support you need is emotional. You are carrying all of the mental load on this and perhaps not thinking through all the options with the most clarity, and then your brother is not stepping up to the plate emotionally either. This must be disappointing but it sounds like the reality of the situation, at least for the time being.

Do you have a close friend (perhaps one who has helped their own elderly parent or knows about the health and social care options through work maybe) who could help you talk and think things through?

It also makes me wary that you talk of your teens seeing you support your mum and this making you very proud. Do you at the back of your mind hope or expect them to offer you the same level of support in the coming years? As I’m not sure this is the ideal mindset with which to approach future planning.

Your DB is showing huge lack of appreciation and respect to your DM, bringing up kids is hard, the least we can do is give back when they need us. I’m always shocked and horrified at posters who happily leave elderly parents to it- yet I’m sure they are first in line to access any inheritance! Make sure if you do buy your mum somewhere you keep it in your name, or DB will want half when she passes away. You should get every penny!

So if I’m reading your posts correctly, your mum is currently living in a privately rented home, and you want her to move to somewhere more secure due to costs / insecure tenancy (?). She’s using her £40k savings to pay for everything and you’re worried about her running out of money in a few years.

You think that you/ your mum could buy a shared ownership property (part rent, part buy) using her savings as a deposit, but both you and your brother would need to contribute to pay the mortgage & rent. What about maintenance and repairs - who will pay for those? What if your mortgage and bills increase - could you put yourself at risk of losing your home due to your support of your mum?

As other people have suggested, social housing would be a better option. Some councils and housing associations have social housing available for over-55s - not sheltered housing (eg: with a warden/ care on site), just housing allocated specifically for older people (usually bungalows that have been built to be accessible).

Don't sell your cars and jeopardise your own future @whyamiawakestill . Plenty of elderly people live in rented accommodation. Once your mum's savings have depleted, she will be able to claim universal credit. Have you seen a benefits advisor to make sure that your mum is claiming everything she is entitled to?

Save your financial reserves for a time when/if your mum has used her savings. A monthly amount at that point may be far more useful. Remember the savings threshold for help with social care costs starts at £23,250.

Nothing you can do about your brother, he obviously had a different relationship with your parents and feels differently about things.

What does your mum actually want to do?

https://www.anchor.org.uk/our-properties/properties-to-rent

My dad lives in one of these type places (rented). He's made loads of new friends, there's always things going on and he doesn't have to worry about maintenence or anything like that. As others have said, your mother has 40k so is able to pay rent for quite some time - it's understandable why your brother has said what he did.

I agree with the above poster. Speak to your local council about waiting lists for a HA home as housing benefit would cover the full costs of this.Worst case scenario your mum stays in private renting, housing benefit doesn’t cover the full cost so this is topped up via her pension and family help if needed.

Children do not turn their back on their family for no reason. You say your dad had MH issues. You post in a very aggressive way, you seem chaotic, driven by impulse and like to catastrophes. This comes across as taught behaviour from your family. It sounds like your brother has spent a lifetime of being abused by his family and has turned his back on you all to protect himself. He isn’t being an arse, it’s self preservation.

I'm with your brother.
Your anger is misplaced.

She'll be out of money in 3 YEARS you say?! Yabvu.

You're busting a gut for the wrong reasons. Yes of course she should go through her savings to live on and when she's done that the government will be obligated to support her. Why do you think she'll be asked to leave her private rental? Is it too expensive? Could you use some of her money to pay 6 months upfront for a smaller, cheaper rental closer to you? You need to make sure where she's living will be covered by the local housing allowance 1 bedroom rate. It's also definitely worth applying for housing from the council.
If my brothers asked me to spend £200 a month propping up my parents for a scheme that I didn't think was necessary I'd say no too. I wouldn't be an arsehole though, I'd be right there with my brothers trying to help them work out the best plan. Your brother is not being very helpful I agree but he's not obliged to financially support your DM when she has money in the bank to live off.

Take her to Citizens Advice, they will be able
to explain options. It maybe that she is better using her savings to get them low enough to get benefits. I would avoid using any of your own money at this point until you've worked it all out.

You can't spend your brother's money for him and it sounds like you're trying to guilt him into going on with your scheme. It's daft to buy a house at this stage for your mum and the service charges for those kind of sheltered homes can be very high too. Your mum will get extra help when her savings drop.

With 40k in the bank you are panicking unnecessarily. She has far more than most pensioners. The issue is her private rent.

She needs to look at perhaps moving to somewhere smaller, perhaps a sheltered housing. She will get housing, care benefits etc

Realistically She may not have another 3 years and even if she does , once the cash has gone there is support

This is not your brothers' issue nor yours

I understand you are annoyed that your brother has a different approach to you, but it is a big ask/ expectation for him to give money to her every month.

You will need to accept that not everyone sees this the way you do.

You would make sacrifices to help your family which is admirable. Other people have different levels at which they are prepared to do that. Your mum isn't in dire straits, she currently has £40k in the bank. Your brother probably doesn't see that there is currently enough of a need for him to give her money.

You are obviously seeing into the future and wanting to put things in place for her which is again, lovely of you, but your brother just doesn't think in the same way.

At the end of the day there's no use being angry with him, it won't solve anything. He just sees this differently.

You will have a different relationship with your parents then your brother did. It speaks volumes that he didn't return for the funeral.

My brother worships my parents and thinks we should pay for their retirement. I in the other hand think they made their own bed!!! Very different relationships!!!!

This.

Don't be ridiculous. She just needs a smaller home.
Your family need the money.

Op , you need to speak to Age UK or CAB who deal with so many older people's housing and financial problems . They are unbiased and professional and are better placed to advise you .

Just another voice to say take a deep breath and talk to your mum and to Age UK and Citizens Advice.

Like others I really don't see buying a property for her at this age as the best solution, and it leaves you exposed to potentially big costs as a second home owner. Tbh I am glad your brother said no. It may not be for the most admirable reasons from your perspective but it may be right nonetheless.

Loving a family member doesn't mean rushing to try and prove your love, or spending all your money to do that.

But she'd still have to pay rent on a shared ownership property? So it's not like she'll be free from rent and those kinds of expenses. Plus many will need to go into a care home as they age and property will be sold to pay for it. In your mums case if you left things as is, she'd use up her savings and then housing benefit would kick in when necessary (so she will be secure in a home with help to pay for it). If she needs to go into a care home that will be paid for too. Your mother isn't going to be homeless, she'll be housed, she just won't own property, which a lot of people do not and that's okay.

It's not up to you or your brother to pay hundreds a month to buy your mum property. If owning property was on the cards for them then it would have happened by now.

I think you need to take some deep breaths and listen to the previous posters and myself. It's clear that you care for your Mum and it's lovely that you want to help but actually financially she'll be okay, she won't own property but she will have somewhere to live and she won't have to sort expensive repairs etc like she would if she owned somewhere. Perhaps you should speak to a financial adviser if you need extra reassurance on this?

But in terms of your brother you are being unreasonable to not only expect him to pay hundreds a month but also expecting yourself to do the same.

OP...my dad was in a similar position and after a lot of worry, it eventually turned out he was entitled to housing benefit. That then unlocked other state benefits too. He didn't have to move and our family support him with all he needs emotionally and practically. He worked into his mid 50s but had to take early retirement due to serious illness.

There really isn't any shame in seeing what your mum would be entitled to when her funds run out. In a perfect world people would fund their own retirement but sometimes circumstances don't go that way. That is what the social care system is for. She might even be able to stay in her home and as for Care, again if she needs it, she will eventually be entitled to help with carers in her home and worst case scenario, support with home fees.

My dad has a good life! He's now disabled but he's surrounded by family and people who love him, there's enough to cover the bills and we chip in to give him treats and help with unexpected extras. I oversee all his 'life admin', arrange his shopping, sort out bills etc but I don't contribute financially beyond buying him presents/lunch out etc. He is more than happy.

I say this gently but it sounds like you're running yourself ragged and really don't need to. You can 100% fully support your mum without being the chief financial funder of her life. Why don't you look at the Entitledto website and run through her figures based on less than 16k in savings. I think you could genuinely save yourself a lot of stress here.

I know I've already replied but with respect this plan is insane, selling cars, taking on a second mortgage? 🥴

What if you buy her this property, then 2 years time she gets dementia or is otherwise unfit to live alone and the council demand you sell the house to pay for care home fees? And you've sacrificed so much and then in an instant that's all gone. Obviously she may live alone for many years to come but she'll still have rent on a shared property etc. would she qualify for housing benefit for that rent if she has property (this I'm not sure off)

Please get some financial advice asap

I've just read through your posts, OP. Who has decided your mother is in a financial pickle? Who has decided things have to change for her? Is your mother going along quite happily with no idea you are stressing and wanting to arrange things for her? Or is she the one who is worried and you feel you have to sort it for her?

In your mother's place I would tell you to please put any money you want to give me into your own children's university education and a start to life with as little student debt as possible.

If your mum put her money into an ISA at 5%. She could receive £166 a month interest. This would not help with purchasing a home but would perhaps help her with day to day expenses if she remained in a rental.