Why are families so utterly shit

[whyamiawakestill]

I just need to rage and get this out, if anyone has similar stories please share as I feel a bit lost.

My dad died a couple of years ago, my brother lives overseas.

My elderly mum is in a financial pickle not enough savings, and will be out of money in about 3 years.

I'm trying help, to step in and get her permanent housing sorted sooner rather than later, we are selling cars, stoping our own plans, cutting back so we can find extra money.

It's stressful and hard but I'm willing to do anything to help my own mum, she's lovely and this isn't her fault it's due to having a father with mental health issues who couldn't earn for many years.

I finally have hit a wall I can't get enough so I messaged my brother a few days ago to ask further help. I'm talking £100-£200 a month. He's working, owns a home, no dependents. Has holiday plans, new cars etc he's ok, not minted but ok for money.

And he's said sorry no I can't afford to help.

So basically I'm on my own and I just feel so so angry, my poor dad would be livid.

How on earth do I move forward with this anger? I'm crying typing this, I can't even understand that level of selfish.

The state will pay. Its not your responsibility to bail her out. Its nice IF you are in a position to. You both probably suffered if your dad was always ill and miss managing finances. You feel guilt and obligation, he does not.

What is shit is your parents didn’t take responsibility for their own finances and now its dumped in your lap.

Oh and i say this as someone who cared for my mother for 20 years, while my siblings did sweet FA.

I think OP you are very upset but out of order. Your brother quite rightly doesn't want to make a commitment of a few thousand pounds a year. He probably has his own family to spend his money on.
Your mother is not in Financial need and the state will help her if she runs out of money.
If your kids are off to uni soon you should probably put helping them financially before your mother. That is the way it should work.

I don't think shared ownership is the best option at your Mum's age. Look at social housing. You should be able to get a list of sheltered schemes in your area and go and visit them with her. Some are lovely, some won't be suitable, but even in places where demand for social housing is high she may not wait long.

She will probably need to apply via the council housing list, but the criteria for sheltered is different from the criteria for general needs. This option will give your Mum security and you peace of mind.

Your mother has had several decades to make provision for herself.

I understand why you are upset OP, you love your mum and want to help her. It is possible of course that your DB can't afford to help is and you just don't know?

I do think you should look at alternatives to supporting your mum yourself. Is she getting all the benefits to which she is entitled (housing allowance?) , plus any other support that is available? Have you spoken to the council re housing options? At 80 she may well need some sort of assisted living / sheltered accommodation before long and the £40k won't go far on that but when that's gone the state should pay.

Lots of assumptions and loads of advice thanks all for the replies and lovely support.

I'll phone age uk today and the local council, thank you, find out what the housing in her area could look like.

In answer to a few posters, the reason for needing to move is due to her current rental being unsafe. Yes she's been there a while at a relatively low rate but it shouldn't be rented.

Yes she would love to move

The car is an asset that I've owned for many years and not my daily car and I've kept as a rainy day fund as it's increasing in value.

Posters waffling on about £300 then me paying £600 are just making up their own narratives.

Mums money is in savings and gaining interest,thanks to that poster for the ISA heads up.

I have to be fair maybe it's the circles I'm in, maybe it's my location but most of the people I know support, house or have parents living with them.

Yes most post is scatty and angry in the moment of posting that exactly how I felt, let down and just alone like I guess this is my issue.

I did actually say if anyone has similar circumstances be great to talk, not if anyone fancies telling me I'm so crazy bitch for assuming my brother could help his mum! Clearly I am and should have known he was so self centred.

Assuming my message to my brother was equally angry saying "pay up or else" makes me laugh. It clearly outlined the situation what I'm trying to support and can he help. It wasn't demanding, angry or in anyway telling him he "has" to stump up cash. I was guaging how much I need to do alone.

And yes I have too much on my plate, with zero support and no family.

To everyone who's told me about council, housing and other options thank you so much, I have no experience of what's next so knowing the government actually do step in is really helful.

That's just spiteful.

Yes she did but unfortunately she chose to marry and stick by the side of a man who was not well. So she couldn't earn and work in the way modern women do.

She's smart intelligent but a generation that were told to leave work when they got pregnant and not given chances for higher education. She worked in jobs her entire life to support us as much as she can around dad's illness.

You really are looking at this the wrong way OP. As numerous other posters have said, over 55s social housing is in a less parlous state than other kinds in most areas and exploring this should be the first option. It will provide the security that you want for her without the cost of repairs and maintenance and possible resale issues down the line. It's a better option than shared ownership at her age and will be "her own place".

The council won't put an 80 year old lady on to the streets
She's a lot better off than most people
She doesn't need a saviour,when she gets to £16000 benefits will kick in .
Maybe the best way to help her ,is to get her on the housing waiting list ,and look at trying to downsize what she rents ,for something smaller ,that costs less ...but she really doesn't need your money or your brothers

It's the fact that you have not even explored or researched other options and frankly a shared ownership mortgage is a bonkers solution to a non problem.

Asking for long term money ie 20/25 years mortgage for an un thought out scheme, selling cars that were a rainy day fun when it's not even drizzling and your general hyperventilating tone? No one with a brain would commit to that

Use the £40k to buy a bigger place for you all to live in.

@whyamiawakestill , i too have shit siblings and it was all left to me. I started the "elderly parents" section on mn just to speak to people who understood. It was a lifeline. I think its still in 'other stuff' or something like that on mn. Try to find it and post your worries there. You'll be speaking to others who are looking after or helping their elderly parents, often without the support they need from their extended families.
There is some brilliant advice too here and i agree with lots of it, but i recognise the emotional stress you are under and i think you need to speak to like minded souls.
Good luck, i hope you find that section useful.

This.

Op take a breath and try to calm down. Your mum is in private rental and has a lot of money in the bank. At 80 she's in a fairly good position financially. Let her use the 40k to pay the bills that her state pension doesn't cover and in the meantime you can get advice on what she will need to do once her savings are down to the 16k the government requires before stepping in. There is no reason you should be using any of your money to support your mum at the moment . Your brother is also within his rights to say he can't/wont pay for anything at this stage.

@ssd thanks so much I'll give that a go.

I may have missed something, but I don't get what the problem is with a rented flat - and access to Housing Benefit, if and when the money runs out. The mother in this scenario is already well provided for, and neither of her children need to do anything to support her financially. I think the OP's brother is not wrong in his approach.

Unfortunately I live in a crazy part of the UK and 40k won't buy you a garage here- Which is why she doesn't live near us .

40k in the bank??? She doesn’t need help from anyone!!!

In answer to a few posters, the reason for needing to move is due to her current rental being unsafe. Yes she's been there a while at a relatively low rate but it shouldn't be rented

If this is the case, get in touch with environmental health. They can and will force the landlord to make repairs.

How long has she been in the property, OP? If she has one of those rare pre 1989 protected tenancies she should hang on to it as it is a potentially valuable asset. There could be an option of the landlord buying her out of the tenancy.

I get it. Many others do too, but...

1. Your brother may not have the same relationship with your parents that you did. You seem to be rather glossing over your fathers mh issues and its effect? The fact he didn't attend the funeral speaks volumes to me tbh.
2. You're catastrophising. Help is there. She won't be homeless. Stop being so dramatic....your kids don't need to see yet another woman martyring herself on the alter of the good daughter!

You don't get to tell your brother how to feel or how to behave. All you can do is alter your behaviour towards him. ^ learnt the hard way!

Gently OP, I think your stress over the situation on top of everything else you have going on is hugely clouding your judgement here. You need to step back, breath and assess the situation, then look at ALL of your options, rather than just this one - there are lots, get yourself onto the elderly parents board, there will be so much practical advice there - you most certainly don't need to be selling your car and stumping up for a second mortgage, otherwise you will be in the exact same position as your DM when you get older.

FWIW, you sound amazingly strong and what you want to do for you DM is lovely, but you need to manage this situation with your head, not your heart, otherwise you will make yourself ill and put both yourself and your mother in a precarious financial position 💐

Only 12 years, the landlord won't update and would sell up.

I see why you want stability for DM but i’m not sure shared ownership is the right thing at her age- what happens if she needs full-time care? Are you not then paying rent and mortgage until the property sells plus potentially care home costs?

As others have said sheltered housing might be the better option- my great uncle got his house relatively quickly and he was better off financially than your DM/ its more about the physical need than affordability for these homes. He did pay full rent the whole time he lived there but as others have said once savings drop below £16,000 housing benefit would kick in.
Your mum won’t ever be without a roof over her head- yes its sad she has to use her savings when others who didn’t save get everything paid for however is that not why she saved so it was there when she needed it?

On a different note has your mum had a benefit check done recently? Contact the council (they should have a department who does this) as there may be stuff she’s entitled to that your not aware of.

OP I've not read the full thread as there are quite a few pages, but there is quite a high turnover of what is called 'very sheltered' housing. They're owned by the council, self contained flats within a building which is staffed by a warden. The council can help you with applying for one on behalf of your mum.

Re housing benefit - they won't pay her rent while she has 40k in the bank so she will initially have to pay her own rent. But once that's down to a certain level, she will get help with housing benefits.

Contact the council today. Good luck.

Thank you I appreciate your reply. In my update I have said I posted when I was very upset.

Having it clarified in back and white that you are alone in the decision making is just shit.

Yes I'm really upset that it's come to this and I didn't factor any of this into my own life, I guess until your parents get old you don't.

Ok thanks I didn't even think she's be considered with money in the bank?

Thing is until you are here in my situation I have no clue what she can get and to be honest just assumed the government would do zero to help.

Having never claimed anything I wrongly assumed I'd have to be the one to step up here and was looking for options that seem to be affordable for her.