Why are families so utterly shit

[whyamiawakestill]

I just need to rage and get this out, if anyone has similar stories please share as I feel a bit lost.

My dad died a couple of years ago, my brother lives overseas.

My elderly mum is in a financial pickle not enough savings, and will be out of money in about 3 years.

I'm trying help, to step in and get her permanent housing sorted sooner rather than later, we are selling cars, stoping our own plans, cutting back so we can find extra money.

It's stressful and hard but I'm willing to do anything to help my own mum, she's lovely and this isn't her fault it's due to having a father with mental health issues who couldn't earn for many years.

I finally have hit a wall I can't get enough so I messaged my brother a few days ago to ask further help. I'm talking £100-£200 a month. He's working, owns a home, no dependents. Has holiday plans, new cars etc he's ok, not minted but ok for money.

And he's said sorry no I can't afford to help.

So basically I'm on my own and I just feel so so angry, my poor dad would be livid.

How on earth do I move forward with this anger? I'm crying typing this, I can't even understand that level of selfish.

Has the OP asked her mother what her preferences are too?

If she still has mental capacity which it sounds like she has, it’s vital that her views are taken on board and that she contributes to and is included in any decisions made about her future.

Depending on where you live and their policies your mother might be eligible for an almshouse local to you.

And when she qualifies for Housing Benefit , she'll also qualify for reduction in Council Tax .

Yes 100% that's why I'm doing all the research so she will make the decision herself.

She's a bit old school trusted my father with most financial decisions, I'm sure someone will be along soon to tell me she is an idiot and it's her own fault but that's the way the world worked and how she was raised.

She's not very technical, internet savvy it's her only skill that's lacking sadly and with everything online I'm able to help.

@mrshenny so lovely to hear.

I don't want to be harsh but if she needs a care home in the next 7 years they could sell any property to pay for it.
I think she will get housing benefit once she's spent £22k of her £40k savings.
Have you applied for attendance allowance (not means tested)?
I don't think you should pay but try and help her get more support

The plan wasn't for her to buy, to avoid that situation.

@crew2022 I'll look at attendance allowance?

If your mother doesn’t have any care needs she won’t qualify for attendance allowance- does she struggle with dressing showering moving around inside etc ? If not she’s unlikely to qualify unless she has cognitive needs.

Really? You wouldn't support your parents in their old age? The people who raised you?

I understand exactly how you feel. I have a very wicked fraudulent greedy sister 😢. It's very upsetting

Oh lovely OP, I'll sit with you.

It's so bloody painful to worry about our mums future and then discover we're worrying alone. That everyone else thinks hey it'll be fine, you should be like ME, aka selfish and entitled.

My DBro (not dear really) is a million miles from where I am. The fact is, living miles away he doesn't see our mum losing confidence, shrinking in every way, depending on others (me) for so much.

I too am making plans to get a house for my DM. My DF divorced her decades ago and oh the rage I feel
That he simply walked off and left me to live and support her. Fucker.

I feel your genuine suffering and I internal tension.

My grandad qualified and he had a bit of momey in the bank. It just meant that he had to pay his own rent until his savings were down to a certain level and then housing benefit kicked in.

Did you contact the council today? If so, what did they say? If not, do it ASAP it'll be a big worry off your mind. Remember and ask about sheltered or very sheltered housing as opposed to general council housing.

It may be a little different where you are (I'm in Scotland) but it was easy enough for us to sort for my grandad and he only waited around 3 months for a flat to become available.

The majority of parents - well the ones I know anyway - would be horrified at the idea of their children financially supporting them in their old age. There is government support for those who need it. I don't know anyone who has supported their parents in the way OP is suggesting. OP's mum has a tidy sum in the bank, which many elderly people do not.

That’s two separate issues. Yes, a conversation would be good, but OP is the one who messaged rather than phoned.
Looking at the situation before panicking is a separate thing. Someone may have been able to talk her down, but everyone on this thread has struggled. So maybe not.
I agree siblings should support each other.

@cardibach is that for me? Or another poster?

Is what?
All my posts quote the poster I’m addressing I think.

I think it was for me

@ssd it got deleted anyhow?

OP, consider that your posts are a good indication of why you shouldn't run your own finances into the ground, or along a hardship line, by helping your mother more than absolutely necessary. That's why we have social services. Do you want your children to feel the way you do now about you when you're older? If you don't take care of your own finances it's on them to pick up the pieces (and consider they may feel like your brother and consider this bad planning on your part, or just not be capable of helping).

First of all "families" are not one mass group who all look the same, think the same and act the same. Why are there so many threads on MN at the moment who start a thread assuming that every {insert person or group they want to moan about} are one and the same ???

Secondly, in this situation, your brother is right, and I would have given you the same answer.

Your mother has £40K in savings. Surely this is the time to start spending them, if she has outgoings that are higher than her income from pensions ? What do you think they are for, if you can't start to gradually spend bits of them as and when, once you have hit 80 ? When do you think she should keep them as 'savings for ?
Obviously, any one of us could pass away at anytime, unexpectedly, but, statistically, that becomes more likely, the older each of us get. Why not start to use the savings to supplement the pension, and then consider options to do with selling your assets, or leaving yourself short, or FAR more sensibly look at then getting some support with housing etc when she needs it - if it comes to that.
You've got yourself into a state when there is no reason to whatsoever. Don't deprive yourself, and your own dc when your mother has a very comfortable pot of money to support herself. It makes no sense at all.

Oh, and you said She's smart intelligent but a generation that were told to leave work when they got pregnant and not given chances for higher education. She worked in jobs her entire life to support us as much as she can around dad's illness.
If she is 80, my Mum would have been 14 years older than her, if she were still alive.
She had a 'higher education', went to college, had a profession, and worked all her life (admittedly more part time when we were all small, but full time from the early 70s). As did so many of her peers. It isn't a 'generation' that was stopped from working or from studying at all. I have worked under many women who would be your Mum's age or older who had careers. My Mum and her friends were some sort of exceptions.

Well that's lovely for your mum who's clearly from a richer demographic than mine and was given university as an option. My mum would have lovely the opportunity.

My own mums situation was vast different she's not had an easy life, her parents died young.

These saving represents security to her, so I understand from her background why she's fearful of spending them.

I'm going to have to give her the reassurance that the government help 100%.

@lifeisrough my own finances for retirement are good I'm in a lucky situation where I've been able to have a career put into private pensions.

But yes all of the point and support on the thread has been great.

The more spiteful posts not so much, but some really good support.