Why are families so utterly shit

[whyamiawakestill]

I just need to rage and get this out, if anyone has similar stories please share as I feel a bit lost.

My dad died a couple of years ago, my brother lives overseas.

My elderly mum is in a financial pickle not enough savings, and will be out of money in about 3 years.

I'm trying help, to step in and get her permanent housing sorted sooner rather than later, we are selling cars, stoping our own plans, cutting back so we can find extra money.

It's stressful and hard but I'm willing to do anything to help my own mum, she's lovely and this isn't her fault it's due to having a father with mental health issues who couldn't earn for many years.

I finally have hit a wall I can't get enough so I messaged my brother a few days ago to ask further help. I'm talking £100-£200 a month. He's working, owns a home, no dependents. Has holiday plans, new cars etc he's ok, not minted but ok for money.

And he's said sorry no I can't afford to help.

So basically I'm on my own and I just feel so so angry, my poor dad would be livid.

How on earth do I move forward with this anger? I'm crying typing this, I can't even understand that level of selfish.

I don't have any financial or housing advise, just wanted to say I understand about shit families. A lot of people do unfortunately. My mother had a mental health crisis years ago and I tried to get my sister on board to help, and she replied that if our mother wanted to kill herself, let her. I really haven't spoken to her since then. She's generally horrible anyway. I've always felt like I was the only one who cared. I'm raising my kids to value each other and take care of each other. That's the best we can do- do the right thing and teach our children to as well. I hope you figure out a good solution for you and your mother!

I don't think she is in a position that requires your intervention
If she was homeless or in some emergency then absolutely of course families should help out but she is in neither of these situations.

There isn't an urgency here that requires her family to make this kind of financial sacrifice

@flowerchild2000 that means so much to me my teens will see me doing everything I can for her, she's an amazing woman and deserves to be cared for.

I agree with this.

And how is buying an option - who will pay the mortgage? If you're talking about shared ownership, isn't that paying part rent and part mortgage?

your mum's £ position is okay and you shouldn't take on more debt, you don't know what the future holds for you.

by all means help her find a more suitable home but unless I've misunderstood, you're going way over what both of you can afford.

Your children are more likely to see bad decision making and misplaced self sacrifice if you go ahead with this plan.

You love your mum but this is a bad idea.

@EmmaEmerald I was planning on covering the mortgage part, and looking at options, there are some local to her around the £60 mark for the mortgage bit.

But I'm potentially parking the thought, as I can't do it entirely on my own. I can raise 20k from a car sale as well, so I was juggling stuff around and messaged my brother to see what he would be able to contribute.

I've got the message leave mum to her savings and let the council sort it all. I'll get in touch and see what she would be able to get in a few years.

She has a home and money, let it run down and she will be helped. Or you can martyr yourself, make yourself ill trying to do too much and fall out with your brother by trying to make him pay ‘just’ a few hundred a month. You’re clearly stressed out but you need to take a step back and listen to yourself.

It’s lovely that you want to help your mum but honestly, I’d be mortified if my dc was selling their car to provide housing for me. I really couldn’t let them do that.
I have a friend ( similar age to your mom) who's burning through her money in a private rental and will run out of money next year. Her ds is an accountant ( so I assume he knows what he’s doing) and he’s been saying for the past 5 years for her to sit tight. He expects her to be provided with sheltered housing/ care home/ retirement home when her money runs out.
I think you’re adding to your long term financial burden by adding a mortgage, perhaps start with your local council, or Age Concern, for advice on warden supervised flats/ bungalows as a starting point.

@whyamiawakestill you help but you help within your mom's own budget.
if that means some sort of subsidized secure housing that's what it is.
but no, financial input long term from siblings/grandchildren/who ever is not sustainable long term

I agree with others that you might be over-thinking this. Age Concern and adult social care can give you some good advice, start with them so that you have all the facts before taking drastic financial measures.

OTOH, I do think that you need to arrange a time to speak to your brother and fully explain your Mum’s financial situation, that you’ve realized that she’s not as well-prepared for old age as you’d assumed, and make it clear that her savings are going to run out in a few years.

Tell him that you’re looking into assistance/ options and ask for his support in doing this. Even with different time zones, he can do some online research and contact people via email.

He may not be helpful, but he also may be supportive-at least he’ll understand the situation. Good luck, there is advice out there, I’ve found adult social care v. helpful with my elderly Dad. 💐

Not on Mumsnet, their mothers are all loaded and nasty bitches for not signing everything they own over to their daughters pre-death.

Have she applied to be on the councils housing register? You mentioned her having 40k but this wouldn't be a no from our council. It would mean she would have to pay her own rent but she would still be able to get on the register.

She hasn't no? I've maybe wrongly assuming she would have to be way below this in savings before being considered for support.

Definitely research all of the options thoroughly before looking at selling cars and falling out with people for not committing hundreds of pounds per month to a cause that’s based on assumptions.

She will need to be below 16k in savings for support, because she doesn’t need support when she has 40k in the bank. She can still get on the housing register with the council, but will pay her own rent until her savings reduce.

On the surface, it sounds like you want her into an owned property, and are looking for a way to preserve her 40k - which isn’t possible. She can’t afford to buy a property, and she doesn’t need to buy a property. You can’t afford to buy her a house or chip in. It’s not up to you how your brother spends his money, and you are unreasonable to expect him to commit to sending hundreds a month, indefinitely, to someone who has thousands in the bank! When her savings dwindle support for her rent will be available. The money will need to be spent.

My experience is that families do all muck in together to assist parents.
Mostly it is with time for caring and assisting with filling out forms, appointments, driving, bill paying and making sure they are accessing all the benefits/pensions to which they are entitled..

Firstly you should be meeting with your brother or speaking on the phone regularly - not always via message and text.
He can only help in a capacity which is sustainable. Only he knows his limits. Every one's limits are different.
He needs clarification as to your mother's requirements, health, future independent living prospects. He might not agree with you about your mother's care. You need to discuss and understand each other's points of view.

Have you considered purchasing the home jointly with your mother and brother - an investment - that he will be able to recoup later? Brain storm and seek wide advice. And your brother might have new ideas worth considering.

Can I ask, what is it this few hundred quid is to pay for? Why are you selling cars? What is it that you are paying?

Sorry for all the questions, I'm trying to get a picture of the situation your mum is in. If rent is being paid, there money in the bank, there food and fuel, what is it your worrying about?

Contact Age UK, they are really helpful and contact them before you sell your car. Also contact her local council as I am sure she could go on the list for sheltered housing and pay her own rent.

I think you are just panicking, do some research and ask for help before you rush into selling things which will cost you much more to replace later and before you fall out with your brother.

I really don't get it. Your mum is actually very well off compared to a lot. Your having a go at your brother for no reason, tbf most people these days no matter what they have still only make enough to cover bills. Be thankful your mum is actually in a decent position currently and when she isn't there's alsorts of help for her

I understand. You are lovely, caring and generous and want to make sure your mum is well cared for. I think there are disparities in care dependant on your region. I am in the NW, and have recently struggled because my uncle ran out of money, was ailing and sufficient care was not provided. Meanwhile my mum doesn’t have the money to heat her home. I suggested to my wealthy brother we jointly pay the heating bill. He refused on the grounds that he feels she should budget better - I feel he is a twat and am very sad and frustrated.
will your house extend or will a granny annex go in the garden? Or move a teen into a caravan on the drive? Be very careful buying a retirement flat, people can lose so much money.

You have a heart of gold @whyamiawakestill and it’s very clear that you want to help your mum, as best you can. Here’s the thing though, pensioners can and do manage on the state pension. Your mum also has savings, which makes her better off than many people.

Best solution would be to apply for sheltered housing and the rent would be covered by HB once her savings are down to £16k. The waiting list is shorter for these than traditional council housing.

Why should the teen live in a caravan in the drive when his gran has savings and housing? Madness. OP is borrowing trouble.

I think you should ring your brother and explain in more detail and ask what he thinks you should do. Don’t impose your plan on him but instead ask what HE thinks. Sounds from what you’ve written that he doesn’t grasp the lengths you are going to (which sound big and imo v generous) and that as a son he could reconsider his actions.

I do agree with pp though that her financial situation is not your or your brothers burden - but you sound like you are doing your best to avert future issues. Getting her out of private rental will be the best step imo. Good luck x

I don't get it either.

Yes I understand you want to support your mum, but you really don't need to be selling cars or trying to buy her a place to live.

She can still apply for most social housing schemes for the elderly, she will just have to pay full rent until she is below the £16k limit. This rent may not be any more than she's paying now.

My own DF is in a similar position and will be applying for housing soon, it hasn't even occurred to me to start selling things to buy him a flat.