"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

The man was a nob.

I’d work on the basis that it’s better to assume it’s a cack-handed genuine question rather than trouble my head any further. You know your DS wasn’t being badly behaved. Perhaps the chap was just lacking in social skills rather than an arse.

I doubt it was meant as an insult, some people are really terrible at estimating the age of someone even though you think that it should be glaringly obvious.

He would have been better to have kept to the general comments regarding your child's energy levels rather than moving on to the mum/Grandma question.

I doubt he was insulting you, it's a fair enough question as it can be hard to tell these days.

What a tosser. If he hadn’t had said the earlier comment, it could have been a genuine query, but it wasn’t, he was trying to make you feel small.

When anyone says things like that to me, I always say, ‘oh thank you!’, as if they’ve given me the biggest compliment.

Well how old are you? If you're 25 and look it then obviously he's being sarcastic. If you're 45, it's a question to think not ask. So either way he's being rude but whether it was intended as a reflection on your parenting, I'm unsure.

It was a thoughtless thing to say, but an insult about your parenting? No I wouldn’t think so.

Should have told him you’re the dad. It’s the modern way.

The guy made a social faux pas, he probably didn't mean to.

Even if he did intend to insult, it will have been because he's a knob, not because your kid is chatting.

I don’t think it was meant as an insult. Some people just don’t think before they speak.

You might be reading too much into this interaction. How old are you? If you are 50 with a 7yr old, it’s a fair question.

I’d assume he’s socially inept with a low IQ. Don’t worry about it.

It sounds like he wanted to chat to you and had poor social skills. Obviously if you are 25 then he's either blind or rude, but in many areas a forty something year old accompanying a small child is more likely to be the grandmother than the mother.

I'm in my forties and when my son went for his dental check, the dentist said "Hello X! And this is your.....?" It wasn't meant as an insult.

Most people wouldn’t say ‘your child is ‘spirited’ and errrr chatty’. Everyone knows spirited is a euphemism for a handful. You certainly wouldn’t say it to a stranger on the bus.

It’s saying, ‘you look..errr…well’, when someone has put on 4 stone.

It’s a bit of a rude question, but some people just aren’t brilliant with niceties and are just very direct.

if your 30 then yes it was possibly an insult but if you’re 50 the it was probably a genuine question.

...I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments.

I would say this is a person who isn't good at social interaction at all, so I would be less inclined to assume he was being insulting, more likely he didn't realise how he was coming across. I've also had an elderly man assuming I am grandma and I wasn't pleased either...

I once had difficulty getting DS's pushchair off a bus. There were a few people waiting to board and they just watched me trying to get off the step, no offers of help (or just actually helping, like my mum does without thinking) and the pushchair toppled forward. I only just managed to stop it falling into the gap when the man at the front of the queue said bluntly to me, "You should be more careful!"

I don't actually bear a grudge about this because the blunt man was quite obviously disabled and was operating within his parameters. It was what he knew to say in the event of a near mishap.

I would feel the same about this, the guy probably didn't intend it to be insulting.

😂😂😂

Does he get the bus regularly with someone other than you who is younger than than you?

I would suspect it was probably an insult however I'm pretty certain this was a miserable, social inept man who shouldn't be given another moment's thought.

Wheb people ask me rude questions like this I like to just ask Why? And stare at them.

That’s a good approach!!

Are you of the age were you could technically be a Grandmother?

I’m stealing this for sure!!

I notice you're not answering re your age so am thinking perhaps you are in your forties...and I became a grandma at 40...so, yeah its not that unreasonable a question to ask someone in their forties...but if you are 30, then yeah...

Same.