"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

OH and I play this game all the time when we are people watching - especially difficult at National Trust places - parents or grandparents!
I agree with poster above saying he was maybe wondering if you were less likely to discipline him if you were gran.
Not making excuses for the rudeness.
There are mum's at gs's school who are the same age as me and I'm gran very hard to tell these days.
But ignore people being miserable and let your lo be himself it must be lovely to hear him chatter.

You could be his grandmother (though a young one) at your age, if he was older than you by quite a bit maybe he was used to people having kids in their early 20s like a lot used to. So it could have been a genuine question? Not one that I would ask though, at risk of offending!

Exactly this.

Just making a faux pas. Last year I was in a shop with DD7 and the attendant asked her if 'this was mum or grandma'. I have a slightly older friend who had her child at 17 & her DD had one at 18. So she has a GD older than DD. So it's conceivable people might not know.

My response was to say 'excuse me?' In a calm, but obviously offended manner. I didn't answer the question, but her look and hurry to finish the transaction told me she understood the inappropriate nature of the question & I don't think she'll ever ask anyone that again!

In fairness it is very unusual to become a grandmother at 33, and people would err on the side of not suggesting it.

You lot are inspiring me. Perhaps I should say he's my brother or force arithmetic and claim to be great grandma!!! 🕶

I think he might have been trying to chat you up, very clumsily, seeing as you are stunning.

One of my grandson's dad is in his late 50s GS was 4 at the time and his neighbours thought the dad's 17 year old dd was gs's mum ! They went round to lynch him luckily they didn't and listened to his DD screaming he's my dad.

Perhaps he was hoping you were the grandma so that the little boy could be sent back to his mum - and he could take you on a date!

I wonder if he might have been trying to flirt with you OP, a possibility to consider when strange men single you out in a public place. Or practising his creepy PUA technique. Let you know he's noticed you, let you know he's not put off by the kid, bit of negging to try to make you want to seek his approval.

I’ve had this in the park with a lady asking me. I’m mid 40s with a DS who is 2.5…..I don’t look too bad for my age (or so I thought 😂) but I found this very rude too and she got a stony response back

I’m in my 40s and regularly asked whether I’m grandmother to my two year old nephew. I’ve stopped being offended now because it’s entirely possible I could be. I think I look my age. I definitely don’t look younger.

What I am still holding a grudge about is the nurse who asked me if DH was my son. Now I know I wasn’t very well and my roots desperately needed doing, so obviously wasn’t looking my best, and he does look younger than his years, but I’m only seven years older than him. He gave himself a stitch from laughing so much and she went on my list of people who are in big trouble when I take over the world.

I’m the 48 year old mum to a 6yo, it’s not so uncommon at all. If there’s any doubt, I generally always assume mum or dad, that way, if I’m wrong, I’ve just given someone a nice backhanded compliment on their youthfulness. The only person who’s mistaken me for granny was a classmate of my child’s - innocent mistake and thankfully my child wasn’t there to hear.

Like you OP, it took me a long time even to truly see how dysfunctional my family way, let alone get my ducks lined up. It’s a lonely place (but worth it).

Maybe it’s his chat up line?🤷‍♀️

Last week I said to a woman my son is 32. She then said 32 weeks? I am 68 years old 😂

I live in area where on one side of the main road, no one would bat an eyelid at a 22 year old having a baby, on the other side, a first baby post 35 is the norm. Round these parts it's best not to make assumptions at playschool/baby clubs/park etc that someone is a GP, unless they are obviously 60+! But it's not uncommon to get chatting to someone who doesn't look more than 40 who happily refers to themselves as Nana. I have a friend who a few years ago, when she was out for a walk with her new baby and teenage daughter, had an acquaintance approach her and congratulate her on her new Granddaughter. She is a stylish, youthful woman and was 34 at the time!

I’ve had mums in the reception class of one of my kids say ( after chat and time ) ‘ but you are older than my mum’. It’s ok . I am . So what . Age is hard to determine. And it really does not matter.

I was 15 and my mum was 41 when she had my sister. People always presumed that I was the mum and she was the grandma.

Yes you look early to mid forties so genuine question.

It’s rude to ask. But people bring their own experience to this - look how many posters think you could ‘easily’ be a grandma to a 7 year old,‘presumably because it’s the norm in their social circles for a 20 year old to have a child and then that child to give birth at 20………that would be unheard of in my social circles. Far, far more likely amongst the women I know for a woman in her 40s to be the mum of a young child.

Equally my grandmother had her last baby at 48 in 1951. Not at all uncommon for women to have a perimenopause baby in their 40s, it’s happened for generations, but many posters are describing it as a modern phenomenon occurring only ‘these days’.

Everyone thinks their experience is universal, I suppose.

My son is mixed ethnicity so I've been asked 3x if I'm his nanny 🤔🙄

I wouldn't give it headspace.
It isn't generally something you'd ask a stranger, in polite society, but there are lots of people out there who struggle a bit with manners, or social niceties and it is a reflection upon then, not you.

Of course, at your age you could easily be the grandparent to a 7 yr old, as you have explained you have family history of. It doesn't sound as if it was an insult, more someone who hasn't quite worked out when to keep your ponderings inside their own head and when to let them out of their mouths.

I’m in my 40’s with a 7 year old and “mum” (maybe “aunt”) has always been the assumption. No one has ever implied the grandma
I can’t imagine anyone I know will be mistaken for a grandma either. Maybe I have a youthful looking bunch of 40 year old friends 🤷‍♀️

Op- the man struck up a conversation in a very strange way - saying he’s seen your boy before? Do you think he has seen your son with his grandma before and she spoke to this man previously? Maybe he’s trying to understand why he doesn’t recognise you but walked off awkwardly instead

As you're 49, not 29, he may simply have asked you as then he could say, if it was your grandson, "Well, at least you can hand him back at the end of the day!" Just a joke that many older people who are grandparents make among themselves about energetic offspring. As your the mum, he had no ready response.

Your child's a happy, healthy, active 7 year old, that's the most important thing here.
Does he have family bouncing around him loving him?!
Kids will be kids...
Be glad he got off the bus.