"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

Op you look beautiful and your son sounds fab

this guy was just a twat ignore him

now a days most of us are old mums but we could be young grandmas but is none of his business

I thought this post was going to be about your concern that some random man had noticed your son on the bus and had obviously been watching him. This would be more concerning to me than whether or not he thought I looked older or younger.

It might not be an insult. Parents are getting older these days and maybe he was just asking.

Im on the opposite end, I had my DD young and strangers are awful to young parents. I used to get “is that your younger sister” in disgust.

I'm younger than you with a 6 year old grandson so he was right to not assume I suppose!

My sister has a husband 10 years older (she looks young for her age), she'd always get asked how her Dad was 🤣

Thanks for your observations random man

It doesn't matter how old OP is. It's irrelevant

The question was rude, unnecessary and most likely intended to make her feel bad

Don't let the fuckers grind you down

Grandma
We love you
Grandma
We dooooo!

I got the opposite. Someone assumed I was the mum of a baby who very clearly has two parents the same race as each other and not the same as me. Neither of us look to be of dual heritage.

Disagree. It's none of his business, he doesn't need to know.

No, it's not. But life would be quite dull if we could never talk to each other.

It's a fine question to ask, but you ask if the adult is mum or dad, not grandparent

That reminds me of when I worked in a nursery when I was 19. I was out pushing a triple buggy with 3 children in it, roughly the same age. One had white blonde hair and blue eyes, one was Indian and the other was chinese. I was wearing my paint spattered nursery uniform. One older man came up to me and started ranting about teenage parents having dc with different fathers etc etc. I thought it was fairly obvious the children weren't mine but apparently not.

I had my daughter when I was 42, I was out shopping, she was a couple of weeks old. I was immensely proud of her, in M & S a lady approached me, commenting what a beautiful baby she was. Then said "Are you on Granny duties?" I was gutted, I know I looked tired but still.... Then I thought about it, in the area where I live I was much more likely to be a Granny, a lot of my contemporaries from school had Grandchildren. And this was a woman that said this to me, so I can't even blame the male sex for being Crass/ignorant.

I had a similar thing on a bus in West Hampstead years ago. Three 5 year olds and DS2 in a buggy. I have a olive complexion, one of the 5 year olds was Korean descent, one had a shock of white blond curly hair and then there was DS.
Some bloke gets on behind me and starts ranting about people having more children than they can afford/state having to pick up the pieces etc.
I remember looking at him in complete disbelief and saying that they obviously weren't all mine.

That was indeed why I responded. Just to add - we were both DV victims by DH/DD. That’s why I was gone for 5 years abroad. I’m very aware of surroundings and people. I also did not recognise DH signs of abuse and went to therapy for over 2 years but now I’m possibly a bit too aware of stupid comments or behavior. He got off the bus a few stops before us so I didn’t see him as a threat. But maybe that’s why I was so analytical about the purpose of the comment. I’m actually glad you made that comment - I feel like now I see why I was stewing on that vs. people asking why I cared.

People are just clueless.
When Dd was around 2, a cashier asked me if I was the mum or grandma. I thought 'well at least she asked and didn't assume' but I felt a bit rubbish about it.
Then more recently, I had a young person look utterly shocked when I had a dc at uni (they asked me which schools dc were at)
They exclaimed that I no way looked old enough to have dc at uni.

That’s still rude though, even if he was wondering. I wonder lots of things all the time that would be too rude to just blurt out. I think he sounds either socially/ intellectually challenged or just nasty. And a bit creepy if he really has been noticing the child.

Huh?

Yes I’ve just posted above and to me that was the weirdest bit. I’m not sure he sounded too interested in you ( no offence! And who would want him to be!) but was trying to build a bigger picture of your little boy’s circumstances. Could have just been a mildly inebriated gobby idiot.

It’s a bit rude, yes, as it’s none of his business. Given that the OP is actually old enough to be his grandmother though, it’s not that much of an unreasonable question. It’s not insulting (to me), it’s just nosey. He might be ‘intellectually challenged’ but if that’s the case then he deserves a bit of understanding and it was a harmless thing to ask.

I don’t think it’s creepy to have noticed a child. I see people about regularly all the time, some of them are children. I probably wouldn’t mention it to their parents, but then I wouldn’t have asked the grandmother question either…

Yeah well, … there you go, it’s the fact he DID mention it and he DID ask. He was either ruder or more oddly invested than you are.

People are weird. I became an aunty at 16 and people often used think I was her mum- even when she was in her teens. Now I'm 43 with a 17 y old and people always trot out the line- ohhh you don't look old enough to have a 17 year old.

Some people have bad vibes and best to give them a wide berth

Lots of people are just rude, thick, sometimes both.
Keep your thoughts to yourself.
Of course it’s impossible to tell if a woman ( or man) is the parent or grandparent.
God knows what the correct age is for having a child. 16 and you get called a slag. 40 and you get called too old.
Have a mixed race child and you get slagged off.
Criticised for having too many children.
Criticised for not having children.
Criticised for going to work.
Criticised for being a sahp.
I remember being told I was an ‘older mum’ for having dc at 29.I had been trying to get pregnant for a long time. Then someone else telling me how bad I was for returning to work.
I’m older now and would not keep my mouth shut to such fuckwits. I no longer let people speak to me like that.
Probably why I don’t do small talk so much.