"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

Come on op. Spill the beans

If you were, say, late forties with a 7 year old could just as easily be either mum or grandmother, I wouldn't assume he meant to offend you.

My dsis was once assumed to be the mother of my five year old when she was in her teens. I was asked if my parents were in by a neighbour after just moving in to a house with my 11 year old. Age can be tricky to read.

If I’m honest, this is sort of what I thought reading it too. He was finding your son a bit ‘much’, and wondering if you were being an indulgent grandmother.

Either that, or he was genuinely wondering and doesn’t realise (for whatever reason) that it’s not a done thing to ask. I don’t personally think it sounds malicious.

I often see couples with a young child and wonder if they are the parents or grandparents

I don't ask though

You look like an older mom who could be a younger grandma. I wouldn't take offence. He was just making conversation, albeit awkwardly.

You are giving this waaay too much headspace. He was rude to actually say it (I don’t think it was a deliberate put-down, more like just thoughtless), but I and many others think this every day when we meet people with a child - it’s not always clear as it’s perfectly possible to be either unless you are very young.

Why is your age such a big secret OP?

Based on your photo id assume you’re in your 40s so although clumsy and not the done thing I can understand why he asked.

I'm even more convinced by the update OP just gave about the guy (sounds very grumpy NGL) sighing when the other boy's dad sat next to him and moving away. Sounds v much like the boys are often noisy on the bus when this guy is on it, and he's fed up with them.

Not sure I'd pay it much mind even if it's true, while I also find it annoying that loads of kids are often noisy on buses...it's public transport, and headphones exist.

OP looks late 40s/maybe 50 to me.

Last month OP posted that she was 48 so she is easily old enough to be grandmother to a seven year old.

I think it's a slightly odd question to ask someone but no idea why you think it's to do with your child's behaviour? They obviously couldn't tell and were wondering. Should have kept their thoughts to themselves, but if you have a child when aged over 40, this is likely to happen.

My lovely sister had a lot of fertility issues and didn't have her one and only until she was 41. She does get people thinking she might be her DDs grandmother, but she's so bloody happy and proud to have DD she doesn't really care.

4 people (that I remember) have asked whether my niece is my granddaughter.

I was 40 when she was born, so techincally could have been, but all 4 of them have been from people that I really think should have known better:

2 know me and my dc. My dc are not old enough to have children themselves. Do these people think I had an older dc whom I had hidden from them for years?! One of these people had known me and my dc for 12 years, the other for around 7 years. What do they think? - That my tween concealed a pregnancy to full term AND that I, as the resident grandmother, managed to hold down a job without any time off to look after said grandchild until she was getting on for 2 years old?!

1 was when I was out with my sister (niece's mum) and the person who asked knows full well that my sister is the mum. There is a 3 year age gap between me and my sister. Maybe I was having a rough day and she a really sparkly day, but I really can't see how you could stretch the 3 years much beyond 10 years at a real push.

1 was a really old friend I'd lost touch with. But we're the same age, so he couldn't mistake my age, and we were close friends at a time when I would have had to be having children to make it at all feasible that I could now have grandchildren. He knows I didn't have children then.

I honestly think some people don't have any concept of thinking things through. I was out with a child and they knew/strongly suspected that she wasn't my child, so the only other relationship they could think of was grandmother.

I've had this a lot, mainly with my third but including.my first. For me I just assume I look older AND I live in an area with an alarmingly young average age for pregnancy. But I don't make any expected effort such as covering my grey or wearing make up. Most of them i think are just interested and dont mean to be rude, just eatablishing whether we have anything in common maybe?

People do tend to watch particular children, not even in a weird way, children often are less aware or akward of being watched and are more likely to interact than adults, less filter, more entertaining than guarded adults.

The most recent person who asked me if i was gran or mum was after I rescued her child from being trapped in a toilet. She definitely meant to be rude as she doubled down very hard on how very old she thought I looked when i brushed off the comment with a friendly joke and has since been phenomenally rude to me over a pair of scissors (it's a club my son attends). But she is definitely the only one who meant to be rude that I've noticed since 2006.

I think it's a slightly odd question to ask someone but no idea why you think it's to do with your child's behaviour?

@Jagoda because he's passive aggressive. Sighing, moving away etc, then pointedly asking if she's Mum (implication being she ought to shut the child up) or Grandma (less common to see grandparents disciplining grandkids in public at least)

If you think the OP is what an older mum looks like, you would be appalled by the sight of me

OP you don't look like a grandmother but clearly this guy was a Bus Weirdo (of which there are many) so his words and actions are not going to make sense .

I doubt it was meant as an insult, some people are really terrible at estimating the age of someone

Yes but you just don't say that or always act as if you think they're the mum. Then if it is a grandma, they're happy.

Well, she looks great for 48!

She's 48.... according to another PP, OP posted that age last month. So easily could be the grandmother or the mother

You look mid-forties so it is entirely reasonable that you would be a grandma. Especially in London - lots of very young mums who become young grandmas. It honestly sounds like the man was trying to chat and be friendly, and you were quite rude to him. You’re an older mum, so just own it, instead of getting offended.

I wasn't posting age because to me it's not the point. My life began in such a tumultuous way I didn't do anything at the time you're expected so I tend to avoid it. The numbers make me sad in some way. To the point of many its true that I could be a grandmother. My birthmother was 33 when I met her and already a grandmother. I had a lot of challenges having a child and had my son's 3 month scan on my 41st birthday. My birthmom passed away at 56. My birthfather passed away at 46. I'm almost 49 with a young 7 year old. I try not to think about age too much. But there you have it.

I just don't understand the point of asking a woman with a child what their relationship to the child was. So I was wondering if this was a slight. Example, I speak French, but I have a strong accent. If people ask where I think they're curious - evidently some say it's an insult. I'm not good at recognising insults. Maybe because I was exposed to too of it growing up.

Yes I'm overly analytical. But trust me it's useful for my line of work.

Thanks everyone for making me bust out laughing a few times. It's been a rough week. If the man's behaviour motivated me to over analyse and post on mumsnet ...well then thank you universe for the wit and humour of mums lurking around the internet. 😇

I think area does make a difference. It feels like the average age for first time mothers where I live is about 40. There is absolutely no chance someone would think you were the Grandma here. It is far more likely that a mother in her 20's will be assumed to be the sister of the child.

I can well believe that an older man can imagine no greater way to put an uppity mother in her place by disabusing her of the notion that she looks good

My almost 6 year old was dancing around a pole on the tube last week. He just talks and talks and gets stuck into life..a little whirlwind. I get judged. Who cares. Sod him.

Why can't people just ask "how are you related?" if they're really interested. But then that's still weird to me. I mean I'm a mum and I've never said anything to a woman about when she's due or anything to do with pregnancy unless that woman has told me herself she is pregnant. lol

You look fab, but as others have stated you are 48 I would have said between 47 and 50 so that comment from the man on bus was totally feasible in his eyes.
I wouldn’t give the comment anymore air space

You look lovely @nomadmummy - second pp’s comment that he was a Bus Weirdo.

A few years ago when my sister was in her earlier thirties she was asked by a similar character if she was my mum. there’s just over 5 years between us lol and she looks great!xx

I think your reading too much into it, most ppl think I’m my daughters sister and that my mum is her mum. For context my mum is 47 and my child is 14, she doesn’t get offended when asked if she’s mum or Nana.