"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

Exactly. I am not sure why the OP was offended and upset to be honest. She's a year off being 50, and had a 7 year old with her. Lots of people around 50 have young grandchildren. At 49, most people look anything from 45 to 55.

The OP looks roughly her age, (as everyone does!) and a 7 year old is young and would be quite small. Not unreasonable at all that someone may think she was the child's grandmother.

Honestly, I wouldn't take any notice. He's a stranger, and his opinions do not matter one jot to you.

I was 40 having my youngest. They're 20 now and I can honestly say, I have never been asked if I was their grandmother. Maybe I've just been lucky, though I don't think I look my age.

Cherish your little boy, and stop thinking about this x

The Queen Mother did this apparently. Completely disarms the person you are responding to. Very clever move.

Stupid comment, there are young grandmothers but that's pushing it, you don't look old enough even for that.

I do though, and have been mistaken for the grandmother of my own children.

In fact at a funeral recently someone asked me if I was my mum's sister, my mum is 87. I've had a rough couple of years and have struggled with sleep etc, but that was a new low.

It's nothing to do with age or insult, the bottom line is whether any woman should respond to a question put to them by a random. Especially not one about a child.

Bloke could have been a predatory nonce there's plenty around in the UK.

Disagree. It's none of his business, he doesn't need to know.

Anyone over the age of 24 could “technically” be a grandmother. There was a poster on here who had a date with a 32 year old who turned out to have multiple grandchildren.

You look a lot younger than 49, I thought mid/late 30s.

but yes guess a 49yo with a 7yo is a little unusual, you could be his grandma. I’m a few years younger than you and my Dd is about to turn 23! 😁. She could have a 7yo I guess.

Oh and I would have said I was his great grandmother just to get him going! 😁

Some people have very poor social awareness, he may not have intended to offend. I find it is best to assume positive intent (most of the time).

He possibly was not being rude but just socially inept.
I would laugh, honestly; if my child were to be loudly inflicting his excited chatter on people and a man politely recalled my son's energy and that he had a lot to say, I would have to laugh. I would then thank him for seeing the World in rose coloured glasses.

The question about mother or grandmother I think was him changing the topic from your son and not meant at all to be offensive. He would assume that you would be proud to be either.

I once got asked if I was going to nursery to pick up my grandchild, I said no it's my son. Apart from telling my sister and saying cheeky bugger and had a laugh, It didn't cross my mind to feel insulted. I think people are too sensitive these days and make a big thing of daft things.

I would also assume he just had no manners / etiquette and it was a question rather than a deliberate insult. Do not take it to heart. I’m an older mum and never been asked my relationship to my dc - it’s not the done thing to ask strangers, so you’ve just been unlucky!

He was an ignoramous. Great to hear that after a delayed start, your DS is chatty and excited to be out socialising. Exactly why we shouldn’t pass judgement, molehills really are mountains for some us.

Both of my BIL’s were grandfathers at the age of 39 and DH’s cousin was a grandmother at 36. It’s far from unusual to be a grandparent to a 7 year old at almost 50. But I get what you are saying, why would a complete stranger even ask that question?

I'd have said "do you normally take such an interest in children you don't know"
Oddball.

Lots of people think they look the same age as someone much younger (when they don't), thus a person getting your age wrong is actually often a (skewed!) reflection on how they see themselves.

I was in a restaurant with my family, and my Dad said hello to another diner who was leaving and passed our table (said diner was a guy roughly my age, so about 30 years younger than my Dad). My Dad commented (and the poor guy MUST have heard him) "I went to school with that chap" 😂 I put my daft Dad straight, that the guy was young enough to be his son - the guy had left though, so sadly wasn't privy to my correction (his night no doubt ruined! 🙈).

My friends will often say "roughly our age" to describe someone who is clearly at least a decade younger! 😂 Even my hubby does it sometimes. So as I say, don't take it personally! Because it'll generally not at all be a reflection on how 'old' you look!

I like this answer!

I think some of the responses assume that the OP couldn't pick up whether it was a clumsy attempt at being social or a deliberate attempt to make the OP uncomfortable. The way a remark is made plays a big part in determining whether it is interpreted as rude or not.

It was a very clumsy thing to say but I don’t think it will have been meant as an insult and it can be hard to tell, but best not to ask if you’re unsure! Reminds me of being in the park after school with my mum and she said really loudly “you can tell that lady really enjoys looking after her grandchild” and that lady was a friend of mine who is actually younger than me and most certainly not a grandmother! I wanted the ground to open up and swallow me, and my mum!

I am in my 40’s and was out with my dad (70’’s). I walked ahead to complete an errand while my dad chatted with a passerby who was admiring his dog. Passer-by told my dad..”anyway lovely to chat but you must catch up with your wife”
my dad found it funnier than I did.

My friends will often say "roughly our age" to describe someone who is clearly at least a decade younger

Our old next door neighbour used to do this. She was 50 years older than DM, but thought that “because they were both mothers”, they must be about the same age. I was in primary school, NDN’s daughter was about a decade older than DM herself!

It's actually much more common though nowadays for Mums to be 'older'. Lots of women have babies in their mid/late 30's (I was 36 when my daughter was born). I know loads of Mums in their 40's with pre teen kids, whilst I only know one Gran in her 40's. Thus if I was to see a woman in her 40's with an older (say 7/8yo upwards) child, my assumption would be that it was their Mum.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

That's what I think happened, yes. He probably didn't know what to say when you asked him if he'd seen your son before because he was disruptive that time too.