"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

I’ve had mums in the reception class of one of my kids say ( after chat and time ) ‘ but you are older than my mum’

@reluctantlogin Wow. These stories are making me feel better about my own social skills, if there are people out there with these standards of social prowess.

Looking at your photo OP, I'd definitely think you were the mum rather than the grandmother.

I agree with others, he sounds socially inept rather than trying to be rude or you looking old!

I hear you and it would be way worse/ more unusual in this day and age. My kid is now 26 and I honestly was old enough to be the grandma then of many kids in his class. No offence was meant - just chat - and none taken. I still know the mum. Funny enough she is a grandma now and im
not !

I understand that asking or assuming anything about a woman’s age is a social faux pas, especially if the guess/assumption is incorrect. Although I’d hope in 2023 we’ve moved past the idea that being assumed an older woman = bad.

But I don’t get some of the stories in this thread (and OPs reaction)… with people asking if you’re grandma, and you ARE in fact old enough to be a grandma. And still reply “coldly” or “sharply” and think they’re “an idiot” or whatever. But you are old enough. OP is old enough to be grandma, without either herself or her imaginary DC even being teen parents (20+21 +7 year old). So why is it offensive?
Because being a young grandma is seen as a negative thing? Or because they’re clocking you as an older mum - which you are?

If you’re 35 and someone asks if you’re grandma, I would get the offence. Or if you’re 48 and someone asks if you’re about to celebrate the big 6-0. But asking a 48 year old if they’re grandma or mum to a small child doesn’t fall into that category.

I'm 41, I'd put you a bit older than me. DS's are 8 and 3. But I've been asked of I'm the twins Nan. The look I gave him meant he shut up and I suspect his testicles retreated for safety. But the reality is I could have had kids at 18 if life was different, instead of nearly 40. My kid could have made me a gran at 36. So, maybe he thought
What shit governance of this child, you can tell she's the mother / grandmother. Or he could have thought well at least she isn't screaming at him and ignoring him, you can tell she's the mother / grandmother.
Most people won't ask. Altho I half expected it when I met new parents at nursery. I just say Mom a lot to the twins.
Just accept it was a him thing not a you or them thing and let it go.

I don't see the need to ask some random stranger their relationship to the child they're caring for, unless you have reason to genuinely fear that the child has been kidnapped or something. It's a stupid thing to do, like incorrectly assuming a woman is pregnant and putting your foot in your mouth. Just don't do it!

Love the suggestion of telling him you're the dad. If I thought about it, I might say I was the great-grandmother or sister, to really give him a head-scratcher of a reply.

It is really hard to tell these days if a person is 'Mum' or 'grandmother' or even Nanny. Women are leaving it much older now to have children, if the man on the bus was older, than chances are he is from an era where someone approaching 50 is indeed a grandparent.

I doubt it was meant as an insult @nomadmummy but I don't know why he had to ask, or what business it is of his.

However, a 49 year old with a 7 year old child could be mistaken for their grandmother to be fair.

OP - I think you look lovely and young for your age (but then I am 59)!

I suppose irl you would probably look as though you could be mum or gran hence the question - although it was rude given the situation. But he was probably gauche rather than meaning it to be an insult.

I had my DTs at 44 so older than you. There were several grans at school pickup younger than me.....! I have twice had strangers make comments about my 'grandchildren' and I was horrified - but actually I had to reason with myself and understand why they might make that assumption. I like to think I don't look quite my age - but even ten years younger could easily be a grandparent, and I live in a fairly disadvantaged area which isn't full of dynamic professional women leaving childbearing until later.....

Don't give it another thought. Even if he was rude rather than socially inept, you'll hopefully never see him again. And don't worry about your son being loud on a short bus trip - all the passengers will have heard far worse and for far longer.

What an idiot 😂nothing surprises me about men anymore.

I said OP looks her age, not that she looks bad.
Ageing doesn't mean ugly.

I think he was rude and quite frankly a weirdo.
Why didn't he answer the ops question?
What does he mean he’s seen the op’s child before?
I notice how he wasn’t asking the male parent of the other child if he was the dad or grandad. Funny that.
It is weird to ask a random stranger if they are the child’s mother or grandmother.
He should mind his own business.
I like the idea of saying you are his dad.

This

The guy could have special needs or hidden disabilities or dementia -or- he could have been planning to kidnap your child and checking if you're the parent or just a care giver.

Nobody here can possibly know.

This is why in all eventualities, always stick with your intuition and gut and if you're not sure who someone is, then don't give them personal information of any kind but also be non inflammatory.

As women, we're entrained to be 'nice' and compliant. Reality is you don't need to answer any question from anyone (unless arrested by police, even then not so much). Practice knowing that you never have to respond to a question no matter who asks it. Practice answering questions with questions 'do I know you?', 'what do you mean you know my son?', 'where did you see my son?', or 'do you have any children?'. Practice saying kindly and gently 'I don't feel comfortable discussing this child as I'm not sure who you are?'. Practice knowing that your intuition guides you and if you think someone is strange, remove yourself and your child. If you think someone is in need of friendly words then say kind things but you still don't have to reveal personal information.

My relative was a grandma at 38, it may have been a genuine question. He was either trying to insult you or chat you up, hard to tell sometimes 😅

@JFT Good grief. It's really not that deep!

People who groom people - or - sales people start out with a question of any sort. Think of the scientologists or scammers when they're on the street. They say 'hi could you help me out... as if they're about to ask for directions, next thing they've robbed your phone or asked you to sign up for a welcome seminar.

People hitting on people do same.

A lot can be learned from one question. When you answer, that questioner immediately knows something about your nature, your personality, they certainly know if you speak English or not, and if you have a foreign accent. Any other data you give them is just adding up. People can find out vast info just from one bus ride. It's even how secret service operatives work.

Suspecting bloke on bus was probably a local weirdo but you know...

You deduced all this from OP's post? WOW!

@Myfabby I know right. 😂

LOL true say!

but then again, watch videos of women who've been abducted and held hostage or had their kid snatched from them and it always starts with some random asking if they need a hand with a shopping bag or something. Even if the bloke's a bit of a random nutter it could become a stalking issue.

I didn't deduce nothing, are you unable to read?

He's a nob I would have said non of your business.

This is what I'd assume too. Most people, generally, don't mean offence or ill-will.