"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

😂😂

I never thought if that but id say he was a lot older than me

You are giving this way too much head space.

I’m surprised at the age guesses. I would put you at younger than 40. Early to late thirties.

So if he was a lot older than you, how old do you think he was?
(Maybe be able to get op to reveal her age by deducting hers from his) would you say he was 20 years your senior. . . or . ?

He was already rude about a 7 year old, who he’s apparently been observing. That is a weird thing to do. You can assume he’s rude and/or stupid. Wouldn’t worry about his opinions.

I've been out with FIL and people have assumed he is my dh. I've also had people think ds1 is my dh. I can kind of understand that if it's someone we don't know sees us out together. But one person had met all my dc and my actual dh and still thought my 17 year old son was my dh and the father of my other 4 sons, aged 15, 12, 10 and 9! So not like I had ds1, a big 10+ years gap and then 4 other dc.

Why would you care in the slightest whether he thought you were the mother or grandmother?

It's a strange thing to be bothered about.

That's why at 46 you easily be a grandmother to a 6 year old or his mother. There was an adoption recently where the bio grandma was older than the adoptive mother (39 & 41 if anyone cares).

If I wondered whether someone was a mum or grandma would I ask? No! Of course not because I have some tact, and I know if someone is an older mother they will possibly find it less than cheering. But then where I live many people have children in their forties and I have to be careful not to assume someone under mid thirties is the sister or the nanny.

This man could be been socially inept but sounds to me like he was being deliberately provocative and trying to annoy you OP, as such I wouldn’t read anything into it other than that’s he’s another ignorant, unintelligent and insecure misogynist, one of many. Probably would have made similar comments to anyone.

To be honest, round here I’d assume you were grandma. However, to your face if I needed to address you and your child I’d refer to you as mum first to avoid offence

Of course it’s a strange thing to say! Why are people claiming it’s offensive to grandparents 😂😂Yes he might be wondering, but if you’re wondering if someone is pregnant does that give you the right to ask?? No! Have some tact!

But you still haven’t said how old you are,I can’t judge by your photo because everyone uses filters nowadays.

Its odd that you have read i expect empathy for my son and extend none. People always comment I’m very empathetic. Jus saying you might be reading into my giving context of the situation.

After the age of about 40, I can see why people ask. My friend that age has just become a grandma....and a mum again 🤷

You're really overthinking this, if he wanted to insult your parenting he would have just done it, not been all cryptic about it

I've come to realise that there are odd people everywhere and it's probably a mistake to think that they even know themselves why they say the things they come out with.

In the words of Taylor Swift, shake it off.

Don't overthink it OP. You don't have to be very old to be a grandma. You are obviously an attractive woman. You shouldn't let his comment get to you as it's very likely he was just a bit socially awkward or a bit of a dick.

Sounds like your boy is often loud and irritating on the bus and he was wondering whether you weren't doing anything about it because you're his Grandma so less likely to ask him to be quiet than his Mum, who could be reasonably expected to quieten him down a bit

I don't see any filters- you can usually tell

I wouldn't have assumed he asked because of anything other than he was wondering and asking a rather tactless question.

If you are over 40, you are old enough to be grandmother to a 7 year old so why get uptight about it, I honestly don't understand.

I don't think it was a snide comment, just a socially inept one. I wouldn't give it any headspace at all.

No way does OP look mid-forties (or like she would be the grandma!)

I've been asked this when out with my DC.

Why ask? It has nothing to do with anything what relationship I am to the child, Unless of course they're distressed, kicking, screaming and trying to get away in which case someone might think that something untoward is going on.

If you want to make conversation all well and good, but unless you need to know (school, for example), then it's irrelevant.

However old you are, OP, I don't know why you're giving this headspace.

Random man said random thing.

Why is it bothering you?

I could see how you might "think i was being rude first". Actually when we got on the bus, the other boy's father sat down beside the man in question - who then scoffed and went and sat elsewhere and watched us for the next 10 minutes. As soon as that dad and his son got off the bus, he moved back and was sat beside us. And seemed fixated on my son and I.