"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

Yeah, in no way is it an insult. I was in my garden and a charity person strode up the path.

Asked me if my mum was home. I said I am mum. We both looked baffled.

Someone trying to find out information is not offensive. I could have been offended and complained that he's saying I look immature or odd.

But I know I'm young. Op, if you had children older, you know this. It is hard to tell if someone is 45+

He sounds strange. Why is a man on his own talking about your child unprovoked anyway? That's the weirdest thing

I'm 47. There are more grandmas than mums my age picking kids up from DS's primary school. The average mum is 15-20 years younger than me. So in context it can be a genuine if a little socially clumsy question.

A nob is a wealthy person or one of high social standing.
He was a knob.

I've had it both ways. As my user name suggests I'm A nanny, often asked if I'm THE nanny or his/her Nanny (Grandmother). From being very young to now at 50. At least now it makes more sense than when I was 29. At the same time as being asked if the kids are my sister/brother & where my mum is.

generally people are shit as judging ages.

Don't worry about it he's just a bit socially inept. No reflection on you!!

same with the comments about DS. Man is just either making conversation or clueless, generally both 😂

don't take things so much to heart!

it's lovely DS is speaking now, don't worry so much about the volume!! Just be thankful 😍

Honestly I struggle to tell whether some women are the mums or grandmas. There are a lot of older mothers round here (inc me!) so I default to mother but I can understand that others might not or might be less common elsewhere.

Still obv ride to ask!

How old are you op?

Recent pic

That’s a photo, maybe you just looked more tired that day.

How old are you then?

The question is why this is such a big deal to you? It’s just one person’s opinion, it doesn’t really matter.

What's it got to do with him whether the OP is mum or grandma , its none of his business , cant do with people like that what a bellend

I think op wants us to guess her age?

My thought too.

@nomadmummy MId 40's? I don't know why he'd think you were his grandma

He strikes me as socially inept rather than deliberately rude.

Sounds like he was being clumsy with his words and rude. Might just have been speaking without thinking as some people do. I’ve been asked before whether I’m an older or younger mum as the person couldn’t tell.

I would say 42 - 47 so technically old enough to be a grandma BUT with a 7 year old I would assume you were the mum. It might depend on how competent you looked and familiar. If you had the same accent etc. if I see a person spoiling a child with excessive treats I will sometimes think "indulgent grandparent" but I can sometimes be a bit over invested and judgy. I would NEVER say anything though and quite prepared to be completely wrong.
I'm an older mum by the way.

It really varies so much women can be mother's these days from teen to 50. To be fair me and my colleague are the same agr she is a grandma to a four year old and I am a mother to 16 & 10.

We look similar age so people don't always know, but generally have the cop on to aim for the more complementary option first!

Are you a human male or a chimp? Would have been a good comeback.

Also meant to say you look great in that photo op.

Tbf, you look as though you're in your mid 40's, so you could be either the Mum or the Grandma of a 7-year old. (And that hasn't been said to cause upset, I'm 43 with DC aged 4 and 5 and my DP is 57 and regularly gets mistaken for our DC's Grandad (although that's much more understandable due to his age).

I wouldn't see what he said as an insult op, I think he was just trying to make conversation, possibly even trying to chat you up and ascertain whether you had a young child....?

He probably fancied you and was wondering if you had partner/hubby/father of your child in your life or if you were the grandma was there chance you were single. Some men see kids as baggage so he might have asked for that reason.

I’m 47, my kid is 3. I’m closer in age to most of the grannies at our play group than to the mums. I think he probably just wasn’t sure…

I'm about to be a grandma at 40;if my grandchild was 7 and I was 47 then I could be either mum or grandma.

The bloke in question was just being abit of a dick as it sounds like his entire demeanour was just plain rude.