"Are you the mum or grandma?"

[nomadmummy]

Yes, a man just said to me on the bus, "I recognise your boy. I've seen him before. He has a lot of, ummm, a lot to say and energy." I said, "Oh, you've seen him on the bus before?" He just looked at me for about 30 seconds and then said, "So are you the mum or the grandma?" I just looked at him (aka glared at him). He repeated his question to which I responded, "I am his mum." He just stared at me and nodded. No more comments. He then just got off the bus.

WTF?

This was an intended as an insult, right?

We had just left a Christmas tree lighting event: crowds, loud music, lots of excitement. My son was 100% well-behaved all evening. But then when he found out he got to ride home on the bus with his bestie for the first time - he then got super excited and chatty. He's 7 and didn't start talking till he was almost 6 and he still has a really hard time getting words out... and his volume goes up. I work with him every single day about volume, not everyone wanting to hear what he has to say etc. And more often than not people comment about how intelligent he is and how smart he is... but that's probably neither here nor there.

So this man who decided to ask if I was mum or grandma... it was to insult me for not disciplining my child in front of everyone on the bus when he wasn't taking cues to settle down on this 10 minute ride? I've just returned to London after 5 years abroad...I'm not up-to-date on local insults. 😎

AIBU to ask the mums for ideas for thoughts on snide comments when people make such comments?

There's a few parents I'm not sure if they're mum or gran because women are having children much older now.

My partner was asked if he was the grandparent at hospital once. I think he was 53 at the time. We fell about laughing

I don't really understand how this could be an insult, unless you're saying it's something to be ashamed of if you're in your 40s and a grandmother?

Some people don’t think before speaking. If you genuinely wanted to know a smarter person would have referred to you being the mum and see if you corrected them. I’m an older mum and I do worry that I’ll get a comment like that in the future.

But you could be the Grandma OP?

I think you were actually rude to him first. He was just chatting and you were glaring at him and just parroting.

Guy seems like a prat and I'm not surprised you feel insulted. If I was to play devil's advocate though I'd say that grandmas are getting absurdly more youthful looking these days and a lot of ppl are waiting longer to have children so sometimes it can be difficult to tell.

Not everything is said as an insult dont make a big deal out of something that small.
Id have just said im his mum and got on with my day not think he insulted me and my parenting.
And then write a post about it then turn into a game of guess my age.

OP, on the school pick up, there is a Grandma who is younger than me. She had a baby young and so did her daughter. Daughter is at work so 'GanGan' does pick up. I think you are looking for offense.

It's interesting that you want empathy for your son in social situations but extend none to other people. He could be a big idiot or he could be socially awkward. in addition, it's totally irrelevant that your son was well behaved all day- all this man saw was your son who was over-excited. I wouldn't have minded one single jot if I was on the bus with a noisy child but some people might.

I wouldn't be offended by it. I am 42 and got asked if my DD is mine and didn't think more about it afterwards.

I hear you on that.

“Are you blind or just stupid?” would have been my response. But then I like to fight fire with dynamite.

It's a point of genuine confusion, due to a huge variation in the age when people have DC, although he was rude to ask.

DM, DSis and MIL all became grandmas at 39. DNiece's other DGM and SIL were both 36 when they became grandmas. On MN, many would consider that to be quite young to be a mother, let alone a grandmother.

I know someone who was a grandma at 34! She’s now 44 and grandma to a 10 year old, but still actually looks young for her age. It’s not always easy to tell.

you don’t look old in your pic, but for for the purposes of something like this you’re going to pick a flattering photo, aren’t you.

He was probably just friggin blind (not literally). Years ago someone mistook me for my nephew's grandma. I was 38, my sister was 34. How the hell I could look like her mother I'll never know.

Ha!

It’s hard to tell actually, and people don’t want to assume. I’m mid 30s with young DC and some grandmas are my age.

Now you've just offended some blind or stupid people on this thread!

This is why we extend grace to people who aren't trying to offend us.

Yeah, it can be hard to tell. My dds boyfriends parents are pretty much the same age as her grandparents. Dh was once asked if he was my dad, he wasn't impressed 😂

Women can have babies from like 13 to mid forties or older - why are people on this thread surprised by women not all looking the exact same age? Are you the same people who think women wee out of their vaginas??

The fella was a twat. I would have responded with “I’m neither. He’s my mum”. Then smile creepily at him until he got off the bus.

I also enjoy pretending to assume anyone being a twat towards me fancies me and telling them they’re really not my type

Your pic is lovely btw

The fella was a twat. I would have responded with “I’m neither. He’s my mum”. Then smile creepily at him until he got off the bus.

Class.

How old are you OP?

It seems like someone lacking in social skills rather than trying to be rude to me, but depends on your age.

If you're early 20s and he said that then it's ridiculous.

If you're 40s/50s then maybe it's a genuine mistake/question - as you could have had your kids v young

I know a woman who is pregnant with her second child at 39 and grandmother to her first son's first child - she had him when she was 17 and he is now early 20's with a partner and baby girl.

I doubt it was an insult, sounds just like a person who doesn't think before they speak. Anyone who has a baby over the age of about 30 could easily be mum or grandma but it's best not to mention that.

Well you are very pretty, that's for sure, OP.

But my neighbour is a great grandmother at 60, I became a grandmother at 60 and one of the fathers in my dgd's school 60. So there is a huge age range

So how old are you please Op? I am invested in the thread and might not sleep tonight if you don't tell us