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Original poster

When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

222 replies

NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 21:16

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

OP posts:
FreeezePeach · 04/11/2023 21:18

We're far from well off and don't eat out often as a family but when we do, DH and I normally pay although our adult DC will always offer.

If there's a lot of us and they're bringing their partners too, sometimes we'll tell them to pick up the drinks bill.

Nippi · 04/11/2023 21:22

Ours are in their 20s and with good incomes. If they come out with us they usually offer to pay but we insist. The only exception is if it's a birthday, we would let them pay.

NoTango · 04/11/2023 21:29

My mum still pays if I go for coffee or dinner with her and I'm 47 🙈

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PetsAreBetter · 04/11/2023 21:30

We don't eat out often but when we do, if I invite I pay. Sometimes they have wanted to take me out, then they pay. Sometimes they've said they want to go to a particular place. I don't want to pay so I've said on condition that they all contribute x amount or we all pay for ourselves. Sometimes I say that I will pay for the main but they have to pay for any drinks. It all depends on circumstances.

Riverlee · 04/11/2023 21:31

I hint strongly at our young adults but they’ve not taken the hint. We’ve been on holiday, paid for us, and I suggest that they should pay for a meal as a thank-you. Still hasn’t happened.

Farcry66 · 04/11/2023 21:33

My mum and stepdad would always insist on paying - we used to make it a game to see if we could at least get to the bar and order a round a drinks and pay for them!

My PIL are even worse bless them! I invited them out for a meal for my sons birthday (not their biological grandchild) along with the step-cousins as they all get along brilliantly. I went to pay and FIL had already snuck up and done it.

TheKnittedCharacter · 04/11/2023 21:34

24 and 21. One is still at uni. The other has a well-paid job, but rents in
London.

We would never expect them to contribute. It might be silly, but it doesn't feel right as we are both well-paid and we like to treat them.

ohtowinthelottery · 04/11/2023 21:34

We pay for food but DS will usually get a round or two of drinks.

CoodleMoodle · 04/11/2023 21:35

NoTango · 04/11/2023 21:29

My mum still pays if I go for coffee or dinner with her and I'm 47 🙈

I'm 34 and DM absolutely insists on paying for food if we go out, whether it be a cafe or a pub or even just a meal deal! Doesn't matter if its just me and her, or if DH/the DC are there, she won't have it. I sometimes manage to pay for dessert but usually she just pushes her card/cash into my hand when I go to pay...

Crinkle77 · 04/11/2023 21:36

I'm the child and my mum stopped paying for us when we got to our 20's and got jobs after uni.

LiveByTheRiver · 04/11/2023 21:36

I'm in my 50s and pop into my mums after work 5 days a week. She always cooks me a dinner, at her cost. I buy her flowers weekly ( as an appreciation) and any new books she's interested in

MissyB1 · 04/11/2023 21:37

Im afraid neither of my two adult dc ever offer to pay. They aren’t massive earners (both have jobs and live independently) but they could offer to contribute. I’ve cut right back at inviting them out to meals, we invite them to family meals at our house now.

All2Well · 04/11/2023 21:37

It's been hard to get my parents to allow me to pay and I'm not that far off 40!

Once I was working (alongside studying) I managed to get them to agree to me paying for "something" every pay day. Varied from coffee and cake to a meal or theatre tickets/city break.

I'd say by the time they are working they should at least be offering whether you accept or not. I also insisted on paying if I suggested the meet up/invited.

JustFrustrated · 04/11/2023 21:39

My mum hasn't so much as bought me a coffee in the last 15 years. Wheb we're out I mean.

I always pay. And it pisses me off.

Itsbecauseiamamumandlovethem · 04/11/2023 21:40

My darling Mum always insisted on paying if we met up for lunch. I was late 40s when she died and she had paid for a meal out, a few weeks beforehand !
We pay for meals out with our children,all in their 20s .

xogossipgirlxo · 04/11/2023 21:40

I’m 30 and my parents still insist to pay for me.

llamadrama16 · 04/11/2023 21:40

I think it depends on the family. We always pay for my in-laws. There is usually a bun fight with my family over who picks up a bill! BIL and SIL will happily let me/my PIL pay for them though, which does get a bit old.

sunshineandshowers40 · 04/11/2023 21:40

I'm 45 and my parents still pay!

PetsAreBetter · 04/11/2023 21:42

I'd be embarrassed if I didn't at least offer to contribute if my parents were taking me out.

Theokaycokey · 04/11/2023 21:43

My parents always insist on paying for all of us. They are much better off than us and enjoy meals out. We pay for takeaways at ours and the occasional meal out. When, many years ago my mother didn't have much money, we would pay. I really hope that when our kids are grown up, we can afford to treat them to meals out. I think that it's a nice thing to do if you can afford it.

Soopermum1 · 04/11/2023 21:45

The dynamic only changed when my Dad died 3 years ago, and I'm now 50 😱 so I now pay for meals with my Mum. To be fair, we're not the kind of family to divvy up, one usually pays. I expect to pay for my kids until well into adulthood and I expect to pay for any younger members of the family, cousins, niece, nephew etc even though we're all adults.

determinedtomakethiswork · 04/11/2023 21:45

31 and 33 and I'm still waiting!

Octavia64 · 04/11/2023 21:48

Not yet.
They are 22.

My mum and I used to fight over who paid, we now alternate.

To be fair I don't think I offered until we had a bit of spare cash, maybe 25 ish?

nocoolnamesleft · 04/11/2023 21:49

First big family meal out after I started my first proper job, think it was my grandma's birthday, my dad and his brother started doing the "who had what" painstakingly slow divvying up of the bill. I caught the waiter's eye, handed over my credit card, and picked up the whole tab. My aunt still gets the giggles about it decades later. Worth every penny.

AnimalPark · 04/11/2023 21:50

I'm 39 and my parents still pay when we go out for food/drinks/coffee, etc. It's like a race to the bar for the bill as I want to pay but they insist. I would NEVER expect them to pay. The only time they'll allow me to pay is when it's their birthday/anniversary, etc. even then, they will try to chip in or cover the tip.

It's the expectation that's the problem here. Whether you can afford to pay for them is neither here nor there, they're adults and should be willing and ready to pay their own way.

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