When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

[NovemberRain23]

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

Also when it comes to my family I do offer to pay and sometimes manage to do it by sneaking off early etc.... not because it's my family but because they often treat us, buy us gifts for birthdays etc so it's nice to give back. With my in-laws I always begrudge paying as they expect us to as a sign of 'respect' but they never treat us or my kids to gifts and are actually much more well-off than my family (although both sides are financially secure). If my in laws decide to order takeout at theirs when we are there, they expect us to pay for that too! 😬

It obviously varies from family to family. Me and my dp both in our 40s.

My family take turns, will decide who's paying based on the occasion (eg mum or dads birthday me and dsis will split the bill 50/50 for the table), or if it's a massive group will split the bill.

My DPs mum (78yo widow) will always pay 100% of the time no matter what. She recently had a hip replacement and when we were visiting DP phoned a takeaway for him & I. His mum didn't fancy anything and had toast in the house. Take away arrived, I answered the door and paid. His mum told me to take money out the kitchen drawer to cover it. I refused.

Got in the car and DP handed me £20 he'd taken out the drawer to give to me. I was mortified/angry especially as his mum hadn't even eaten. He was shrugging and saying that's always what happens at hers cos we're "guests". He's not right at all but just thinks that's the way it is.

Never! To be fair my DD earns far less than half of what I do, plus has far more outgoings. I know that financially I am far better off than her. I love treating her to a nice meal out 😊

The other side of the coin is that many parents are much better off than their children and would be mortified to sit there and get their meal paid for as a result.

My parents have much more money than I do and while we don't struggle, there's no way they would sit back and allow us to pay for a meal while they have thousands (and thousands) sitting in the bank.

It's the gesture that's important not the money. You don't have to be a millionaire in order to treat your parents. It's just basic decency to do so now and again imo. Assuming that we're talking about a standard meal and not a meal at The Fat Duck. I really can't imagine accepting their generosity every time without reciprocating.

I have a friend who is incredibly rich. I still wouldn't allow him to pay every single time let alone my parents.

When I was still at uni if I ever met up with my parents and their friends my dad would slip me some cash so I could (appear) to stand a round for everyone - it was drummed into me that this was important.

At the point I was earning money it was a matter of pride for me to be able to treat my parents. I remember taking them for a drink at the Savoy - the bill was fairly eye watering but my dad didn’t stop me from paying it as he knew what it meant to me to be able to treat them for a change.

what happens these days is a fair bit of haggling over bills. Early on I would offer to go halves on joint meals etc, but my dad would normally insist on paying. Now that I’m much older (late 40s, decent income with my parents as pensioners) we normally settle on going halves as a compromise, unless it is specifically someone’s treat. They are always reluctant to let me pay the whole bill, so sometimes I do have to settle up on the way to the loo in a restaurant so I can get in first!

With my parents it varies, I'm happy to pick up the tab so are they, probably from when I bought my first flat around 25.
I won't pay the whole bill when we eat out with DB and SIL though because they order to excess always the most expensive dish regardless, then ask for it very well done, plain, with ketchup etc (steak, lobster 🤦‍♂️) and I think you've not ordered that because you like it it's just because it's the most expensive, they will also always order 3 courses plus multiple extra sides and alcoholic drinks, that's entirely their choice but I'm not paying for it.

I do offer, they don't accept. In fact, the one time I did insist on paying, my dad transferred me the money back the following day!

I show my appreciation for them in other ways - you can treat your parents and be decent to them without spending money.

I agree with this, my two (12 and 16) brought me out for lunch on my birthday a few months ago and felt really good about it. They also often treat their friends. We should encourage generosity and thoughtfulness, not shut it down! And it's important to remind them that we as parents are worthy of care and consideration, that it's not all one way.

I agree with this, my two (12 and 16) brought me out for lunch on my birthday a few months ago and felt really good about it. They also often treat their friends. We should encourage generosity and thoughtfulness, not shut it down! And it's important to remind them that we as parents are worthy of care and consideration, that it's not all one way.

I agree entirely and your dc sound lovely.

'The kids' pay if we take our parents out for their birthday/mothersday/fathers day. But in those cases it's "dad, are you available for lunch this weekend for your birthday?" So thy we specifically invite them.

"For fun" dinners parents pay 90% of the time and we might pay for drinks.

I go out to dinner with my mom weekly and she pays for dinner. I pay for after dinner drinks. Drinks tend to he more expensive.

The shift happened around the time us kids got more than entry level jobs in our late 20's.

I paid for DS while he was at uni but now he has a job we both just pay for ourselves. It wouldn’t occur to him to expect to be paid for, I don’t have a great income.

I think sometimes though, parents just like to pay. It a generational thing, and if it makes them happy and they can afford it I don’t think their kids are doing anything wrong by accepting.

My parents still pay for meals when we go out, and I'm 33. But also, if my mum's parents come, THEY insist on paying, and my mum is almost 60!

I am actually hugely grateful as me and DP are struggling at the moment whereas they're not, but I will save up and take everyone out whenever I can, but make a point that I'm inviting them and paying for it before we get there, so there's no arguments. Or I'll have a takeaway evening at mine and cover that.

But I think it's normal for parents to continue paying. We all help each other out as a family in different ways.

Mine are in their 20s and we always pay

It's the gesture that's important not the money. You don't have to be a millionaire in order to treat your parents. It's just basic decency to do so now and again imo.

Agreed. My PiL have a large disposable income and pay 90% of the time because it gives them pleasure to do so. But once in a while we wrestle them to the ground and pick up the bill.

Doesn't it depend on what you can afford?
And what you want as a family?
I mean if you adore your dc and want their company and you can afford to pay... Why not?

My dp had up and down the fortune as did I and it was usually dp paying but dh and I always tried to offer something or pay something sneakily.

Dh parents are v well off and meals out were always fraught with paying issues so we just don't go out with them at all now.

Dh and I will never be millionaire, I would hope to be able to treat dc to occasionally meal out.
If however dc become really really well off I would expect a small contribution or one pay drinks one meal sometimes and it would be nice to have bday meal etc.

I'm 40, I have to fight my mum for the bill every time. She will let me treat her on her birthday but any other time she doesn't let me pay. I always say I'll get it this time but she insists. I plan on doing the same for my kids.

I agree, @IHateWasps and@MrsCuthbertson. The gesture is the important part, rather then who actually ends up paying.

In the OP’s case, I think she needs to have a word with her DC about offering to contribute, even if her DP turns them down every time. Not even giving anything towards her DP’s birthday meal is pretty miserly, tbh.

Never in my experience. I've never paid for as much as a coffee when I'm out with my parents. I won't let DCs pay either even though the eldest has a brilliant job now.

I've never paid for as much as a coffee when I'm out with my parents. I won't let DCs pay either even though the eldest has a brilliant job now.

Why on earth not?

IMO that is the correct way around. Parents treat their kids. We didn’t have kids to get stuff off of them

I would hate for it to flow the wrong way with my kids, e.g. for them to ever feel like they should pay for our meal. Some posters saying they/ their partners grumble and drop heavy hints about the kids not paying makes me cringe.

I don't know why, NovemberRain23. We used to pay our way with our own parents, they treated us occasionally and we treated them too. All we really want is for them to offer or even buy a round of drinks. When the bill arrives, there's alway the pause before my husband picks up the bill because no one else has made the move to. They could afford to pay once in a while judging by their active social lives.

IMO that is the correct way around. Parents treat their kids. We didn’t have kids to get stuff off of them

It isn't about "getting stuff off them." It's basic decency to treat your parents now and again if you can afford to imo, assuming that you have a healthy relationship. It should be reciprocal once you're all adults. Parents deserve consideration and respect too. I'd be ashamed of myself if I didn't take turns and no we don't keep track but I cannot imagine not treating my Mother to an occasional meal. If finances don't allow that's one thing but I can't imagine freeloading for the whole of my adult life simply because they're my parents.

I agree with those who say that it teaches children to be thoughtful and that their parents are people who deserve consideration too.

When my lovely step dad was alive he and mum would always pay, and wouldn't accept the offer of paying or chipping in. Now that he has passed away, I take my mum out frequently and we take turns. If we all go out (+3 siblings) my mum still pays and insists.

If finances don't allow that's one thing but I can't imagine freeloading for the whole of my adult life simply because they're my parents.

Being treated to the occasional meal or coffee by your parents is hardly "freeloading for your whole adult life"