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Original poster

When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

222 replies

NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 21:16

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

OP posts:
MacarenaMacarena · 04/11/2023 23:37

Maybe suggest adults bring a dish each to a party at home - home made would be ideal, with a theme maybe... Greek or Moroccan or bbq... Resourcing if it's celebrating one of their birthdays, shows a bit of camaraderie from siblings..

dothehokeycokey · 04/11/2023 23:42

Well
I'm always of the thought that you should offer Tom pay at least however my entire family meaning adult dc parents and sibling just walk away or sit themselves down and leave me to pay.

I got to a stage early in the year where I'd had enough and actually stopped suggesting going to costa on a Sunday morning for cake/coffee or a breakfast or lunch out anywhere because I'm sick of paying all the friggin time.

Yes I earn more with my own business but it hurts that it's never reciprocated

My adult dc girlfriend paid when we went out for coffee last time which was unexpected but lovely.

It's interesting how since I've stopped saying and paying none of us have been anywhere for anything for quite a while.

Whenever my d mum mentions going for breakfast she always says shel pay as it's her turn but it's been her turn since February Confused
She then forgets she's said about it and makes other plans or something else comes up

Alwaysanotherwine · 04/11/2023 23:44

i always pay when i eat out with parents

its all very well saying ‘we insist’ etc

but any respectful child would go out their way and pay bill by way or pretending to go the loo etc

i would never let my parents pay for me

it’s so selfish and entitled

people who say ‘ they insist’ are kidding themselves. there’s always ways round it if you care enough

i insisted i buy a bottle posh wine last weekend but still got home and my sister transferred half the cash without me asking

it’s what non selfish people do!

i do same with mum

since age 21 i’ve never allowed my parents to pay anything and would be mortified at thought!

people in 30/40 having parents pay is disgusting

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AlltheFs · 04/11/2023 23:48

Alwaysanotherwine · 04/11/2023 23:44

i always pay when i eat out with parents

its all very well saying ‘we insist’ etc

but any respectful child would go out their way and pay bill by way or pretending to go the loo etc

i would never let my parents pay for me

it’s so selfish and entitled

people who say ‘ they insist’ are kidding themselves. there’s always ways round it if you care enough

i insisted i buy a bottle posh wine last weekend but still got home and my sister transferred half the cash without me asking

it’s what non selfish people do!

i do same with mum

since age 21 i’ve never allowed my parents to pay anything and would be mortified at thought!

people in 30/40 having parents pay is disgusting

I pay but then my Dad pays money in to my bank account or sticks cash in my bag when I’m not looking. How do you suggest I stop that?! He absolutely won’t accept it back.

How pray does that make me entitled?

Fifthtimelucky · 04/11/2023 23:56

We still expect to pay for our adult children when we go out together. We have more disposable income than they do, so it makes sense.

singleloneone · 04/11/2023 23:58

We pay when we're out with my own parents, they are far less well off than us, but they entertain at home more so we like to pay when we go out.

DH's parents live abroad and they tend to pay when we go out, which we accept as we're guests and we know they can afford it. When they visit us here we pay as they are the guests.

DS1 is a disabled adult and claims benefits so we'd never expect him to pay. I think we'd probably always offer to pay for our other DCs when they are adults too, because we can afford it.

smilesup · 05/11/2023 00:02

Honestly we have just started to paying for our parents.
I think it went
0-30 parents paid
31-45 separate pay
46 onwards we sometimes pay for them and they occasionally pay for us or we split

margotrose · 05/11/2023 00:04

I'm 34 and DH almost 40 and our parents still insist on paying!

Canisaysomething · 05/11/2023 00:18

In my 40s and parents and in laws always pay. Me and DH always offer though.

DietrichandDiMaggio · 05/11/2023 00:28

Why did it become the norm for your DP to pay for everyone, including your children, every time, rather than you paying half of the time?

Motheranddaughtertotwo · 05/11/2023 00:29

I’m in my forties and my parents and in-laws will always pay when we go out. DC in their early twenties and work part time around uni, they pay for (and organise) special occasion meals.

JMSA · 05/11/2023 00:30

It's bizarre how many adults there are on here still being paid for by their parents!

JustAMinutePleass · 05/11/2023 00:30

I don’t come from a culture that allows kids to pay.

DiddyHeck · 05/11/2023 00:33

JustAMinutePleass · 05/11/2023 00:30

I don’t come from a culture that allows kids to pay.

I'm not sure how this is relevant because you can always exercise free choice?

HamBone · 05/11/2023 00:40

I started offering in my mid-20’s, sometimes it’s accepted, sometimes it’s not.

Now I’m in my 40’s, I pay for various things for my elderly Dad, meals out, bits of shopping, taxis, etc. He’s fine financially and doesn’t need me to, but I like to treat him. DH treats his parents as well.

HamBone · 05/11/2023 00:48

Forgot to mention that sometimes they’ll insist on paying and that’s fine. But I think it’s polite to offer.

TomatoSandwiches · 05/11/2023 00:50

I always pay for my side of the family as we don't see them in person often and I like to treat them. I would never allow my mother or grandmother to pay out for me, it would make me uncomfortable.

My eldest is 15 and sometimes gets me a small token if he's gone to the shops which is very sweet of him.
He has watched me send " just because " presents and other things to my mum and when he asked why I explained it was nice to send people you love things they will enjoy or need, especially if you don't see them often, it shows care and that you are thinking of them.
I think he has taken that on board.

If you are not happy to wait until they take the initiative then could you have a gentle word with them about chipping in for the next birthday meal?

saythatagaintome · 05/11/2023 01:13

My parents still pay for us, as do my PIL.

When it’s just my mum and I, I will pick up the bill, but I really don’t think much about it.

I suspect I will pay for my daughter and hers, no matter how old she is?

saythatagaintome · 05/11/2023 01:13

My parents still pay for us, as do my PIL.

When it’s just my mum and I, I will pick up the bill, but I really don’t think much about it.

I suspect I will pay for my daughter and hers, no matter how old she is?

user1471538283 · 05/11/2023 08:25

My DF always paid if we ate out. I used to get him the odd treat to try and balance it but for him it was a principle. I was his child so he was responsible no matter how old I was. I'm the same with my DS. I think it's sweet.

I paid for my DFs birthday and Father's Day. My DS pays for Mother's Day and the odd occasion.

On the rare occasion I ate out with my DM she never paid or even offered. But then she expected everyone to pay for her because she was so special.

I hope to continue to do so no matter how old he is. I want to be able to enjoy my money with him.

gotomomo · 05/11/2023 08:37

My dd will whip out her wallet and buy a round of drinks. She has also paid for a really expensive dinner once (bit outing to elaborate!) which I felt guilty about but my other dd and dsd don't even bring their cards with them when we go out, dsd is working (not a good job but pays no rent) last night was a case in point, at no point do you get any vague offer!

Cornishclio · 05/11/2023 08:46

Generally we pay with our younger daughter and family as they have less disposable income but they do pay for the occasional meal out and they cook a lot for us at their house. Our elder daughter probably has more spare income and she usually pays for at least one meal if we go up and visit her. They both always offer and don't expect us to pay for them but if we can afford it I like to treat them.

My mum insists on paying for us if we go out but we only see her every few months and she is very well off so I let her.

searchfortruth · 05/11/2023 09:01

I'm 50 and my mum usually offers to pay for me and my sister, along with my DH, DS and BIL. I'd say half the time we let her unless it's her birthday etc. Last night we went thirds.

I'm also guilty of letting her pay when it's me and her and we are somewhere I'm only going for her benefit and would never usually go.

user1471556818 · 05/11/2023 09:05

We often just pay but my DS does offer and now I've retired he has occasionally paid it all or more commonly paid 50 % . I think that's fair .My sister comments her high earning son never offers while ordering another dear bottle of wine for the table.
I think it's all individual and as long as both happy that's OK

rookiemere · 05/11/2023 09:09

I'm 53 and up until Covid DPs generally paid for meals out, although we offered sometimes. They have great pensions and would always offer to pay.
Since Covid they don't really go out for meals so we get takeout from their favourite restaurants and pay for that. Last week I had to take DM to the hospital for a minor procedure and DF and I went for coffee. He said he had money to treat me then proceeded to brandish a £5 - I reckoned he would be horrified by the actual cost of coffee and cake these days ( I know I am as I always bring my own into work) so I made him sit down whilst I got it.

We did take them out along with my cousins for DFs 90th, but then they deposited the cost of the meal back into my account when we certainly didn't ask them to.