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Original poster

When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

222 replies

NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 21:16

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

OP posts:
IHateWasps · 05/11/2023 16:36

I'm talking about people who never pay.

margotrose · 05/11/2023 16:41

IHateWasps · 05/11/2023 16:36

I'm talking about people who never pay.

It's still not freeloading though - especially if you offer/argue about paying and your parents still insist.

I mean, I see my parents for a coffee maybe every two months - them offering to pay £10 for a cappucino and a slice of cake hardly makes me a freeloader Grin

Upthread, I mentioned the time where I finally managed to pay despite my parents protests - my dad just sent me the money back anyway. If a parent chooses to pay (or insists on it) I really don't see why that's such a problem.

avocadotofu · 05/11/2023 16:45

My mum still pays and I'm nearly 40. We do offer but she never accepts.

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WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 05/11/2023 16:57

I was working full time at 18 and started paying more often for my mum, though it was probably a little while before it was 50/50. Same with other family members. While I was a student in my early 20s, she probably paid more as I had very little money, but I always took her out whenever she came to visit, even if it's somewhere fairly cheap.

Now I'm in my late 20s, I take her out more often when I see her. It's nice to be able to treat her properly now that I've got more disposable income.

Girliefriendlikespuppies · 05/11/2023 16:59

NoTango · 04/11/2023 21:29

My mum still pays if I go for coffee or dinner with her and I'm 47 🙈

And mine! Occasionally she'll let me but her a coffee but I have to be quick with the bill.

HamBone · 05/11/2023 17:04

i think we can all agree that different families do things differently, but I do think that gestures are important.

My DS (15) first offered to buy me a coffee when he was about six, after he and a friend set up earning a lemonade stand outside our house. He walked up to the counter of our local coffee shop and asked “what’s your cheapest cup of coffee?” 🤣
I thanked him profusely, but said that he didn’t need to spend his hard-earned money on me.

I’ve never forgotten it though and he did surprise both DH and I with gifts when he got his first real pay packet from his summer job. ❤️

Lecc · 05/11/2023 17:14

I'm 54 and my dad insists on paying always, unless I invite him out for his birthday. He is very wealthy and I am not.
If I go out to eat with my children, I always insist on paying.

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/11/2023 18:08

Lots of you obviously have wealthy parents. My parents couldn’t have afforded to get the bill for all so we always got our own . They did often have us over for dinner though which is much easier to do on a budget. I felt honoured to be able to treat my parents after they had brought me up.

Mother87 · 05/11/2023 18:57

Never happened.. unless it was a specific event where they said they were taking us

WhosAfraidOfVirginalWolves · 05/11/2023 18:59

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/11/2023 18:08

Lots of you obviously have wealthy parents. My parents couldn’t have afforded to get the bill for all so we always got our own . They did often have us over for dinner though which is much easier to do on a budget. I felt honoured to be able to treat my parents after they had brought me up.

Exactly this, especially the last line. I'd feel quite embarrassed if I'd made it well into adulthood and still wasn't treating my mum to a meal.

Goodfrock · 05/11/2023 19:09

My DC are 20 and 22 and working in entry level jobs. I wouldn't expect/ let them pay a bill that's the best part of a week's wages but they do buy a round of drinks sometimes.

My parents usually do pay when we go out, even now, but that's because they can and they want to and we never go with the expectation that they will, unless they said so in advance.

Dad did have a period when he refused to eat out with DSis and BIL because he felt they never offered/expected it though, they're better now.

NotFastButFurious · 05/11/2023 19:18

I’m in my 40’s and my parents always pay if we go out for dinner. I don’t expect it at all and would happily pay my way, or even pay for all of us but they won’t have any of it. I can occasionally manage to pay for coffee and cake if me and mum are out together.

Sparehair · 05/11/2023 19:31

I pay and have done since I was 30 as conscious that by then I was earning more than my parents. Dad tries all sorts of underhand tricks to pay but I don’t let him. My SIL on the other hand is the master of the sneaky bill pay ( she has been known to call the restaurant in advance to tell them to give it only to her).

Isthiscorrect · 05/11/2023 19:47

Hmmm. Interesting. DS doesn't earn a huge amount relative to the places we eat. He comes in holiday with us and we pay for everything. Last time he paid for dinner once. 😢 I'd like him to offer for coffee or drinks more often if I'm honest. More as a token gesture.

My mother never treated me to anything. My FIL absolutely insists he pays which is rather lovely.

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/11/2023 20:04

Are these parents that pay every time , pensioners?

Ragwort · 05/11/2023 20:09

43 not all pensioners are 'hard up' ... my DM's income is approx £50k ...actually DH and I are pensioners ourselves now on a similar income ... my DM can afford to treat me, I can afford to treat my DS ( and yes, we all give to charity etc etc).

astarsheis · 05/11/2023 20:24

We always pay when we go out with our adult children and include their partners too. We can afford it and I love treating them, despite them all being in well paid jobs. They might get a round in if we're in a pub.
We're in London so it can be quite expensive. Our youngest is not long out of university so would never expect him to pay when we go out.

Lecc · 05/11/2023 20:31

Yes, my dad is a pensioner, not all pensioners are hard up. He is wealthy and very generous and we are all hugely grateful and thankful. He tells us to pay it forward, helping the younger generations as much as we possibly can. They need help when they are young - this is the time it can make the most difference to their quality of life.
We all live fairly modest lives but are very appreciative of everything we have and know that not everyone is so lucky.

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/11/2023 20:38

So , wealthy individuals. I don’t know any pensioners with that kind of income.

Lecc · 05/11/2023 20:50

My father owned his own biotechnology company, which he sold when he retired, hence the wealth but he worked until he was well into his 70s, so that explains it.

Marylou2 · 05/11/2023 21:02

I'm 55 and my 78 year old Dad won't let me pay. If DH and I invite them out we have to insist we pay and I have a stern word with my dad beforehand to avoid the argument. All of us can afford to pay but my dad sees it as his right. He's lovely, and I appreciate it, but we want to treat him too.

Goodfrock · 05/11/2023 21:13

Yes, my parents are "pensioners" on gold plated DB pensions with a large inheritance from each of their parents. They're absolutely entitled to their money and I don't expect anything from them, I'm deligted they're able to enjoy their retirement and there's plenty put by for care, should they need it, but they're substantially better off than I am, despite a professional career. The idea that pensioners are all poor is laughable.

Pumpkinini · 05/11/2023 21:21

I don't think I'll ever expect my kids to pay, much like my or dh's dp who never do from us. Maybe when I'm an old frail poor widow pensioner.

margotrose · 05/11/2023 21:25

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/11/2023 20:04

Are these parents that pay every time , pensioners?

Yep - both sets of parents have way more disposable income than we do.

MrsCuthbertson · 06/11/2023 03:29

43ontherocksporfavor · 05/11/2023 20:38

So , wealthy individuals. I don’t know any pensioners with that kind of income.

Edited

On MN all pensioners are wealthy!

Real life, not so much.