When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

[NovemberRain23]

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

@Cosywintertime Fair enough, everyone’s situation is different.

My parents vehemently refuse to let me or my siblings contribute anything to meals out, etc. I am the youngest sibling and I'm 29.

My parents earn substantially more than all of us combined though.

Personally I would be happy to continue paying for my children until such time as they're earning more than me.

@CoalCraft That could be difficult to gauge-DH and I have no idea what anyone earns in our families, never have known! Our parents don’t know what we earn either.

We know that our parents (now in their 80’s) are comfortable, but that’s about it. No clue about siblings.

Yes.
My Dad has a pension and investments income that is more than our household income and he has very little outgoings.

He bought a (secondhand) Tesla with the loose change in his current account recently. When he pays £200 for lunch it barely registers for him.

My mum has a small NHS pension but it is still roughly equivalent to median household income when added to state (about £35k) and she has investments and cash that takes her close to the IHT threshold (and she has more to come when my grandmother dies). I only know this as they have talked me through their inheritance plans as they have taken some advice on best way to avoid tax (they aren’t married any more but may remarry to be tax efficient 😂).
Not all pensioners are broke. We will be comfortable in retirement as have good pensions too.

They weren’t wealthy - just did well in the 80’s and 90’s with public sector jobs and also inherited and invested wisely.

It might be a lovely gesture on behalf of the child @HamBone, but I think it's really shit for parents to accept, especially when the child in question is a broke student.

I can assure you that when you do start to see signs of dementia in a beloved elderly DP, wondering who is going to pay for meals out is the least of your concerns.

If we do go out, I'm more bothered about making sure DM is comfortable- she hasn't been out much since covid, their various food intolerances and diabetes are catered for, and DF doesn't make inappropriate remarks to the waiting staff or other diners. Who pays the bill is pretty low down the long list of things to think about.

What a horribly mean spirited comment.

Giving and receiving isn't just about money.

I just think it's pretty shit to let your broke child pay for you when you're more than capable of paying for yourself.

@margotrose by adult DC I’m talking established in their own home with a job, not broke students.

@Odingodof on the contrary, it’s a moment of pride that’s being denied by constantly babying your adult DC.

@rookiemere my mother died of dementia so stop being condescending!

As we've just the one DC, I would think we'll continue to pay for meals out with her and any family she may acquire for as long as it seems likely we may leave her anything subject to inheritance tax. (Holidays too for as long as she wants to do any with us, as her company is a pleasure to us!)

If a parent has more disposable income than their child, then I still think it's pretty shit that they're happy to accept a free meal, to be honest.

@margotrose I admit that I’m sensitive on the subject of having a mutually supportive adult child/parent relationships as unfortunately, I know a few people in my age group (late 40’s) who take great advantage of their now elderly parents and do nothing for them in return.

I’m not just talking about money, they expect help in so many ways and it’s uncomfortable to see an 80-year-old widow, for example, being pressured in that way.

So I’m rather keen on teaching young adults to have a reciprocal, mutually supportive relationship with their parents. I wouldn’t expect my student DD to buy me coffee and cake, but if she’s earning a decent salary at 25 and offers, I’d let her treat me.

@HamBone I just think it's important to recognise the difference between "adult child taking the piss" and "parent spending money on adult child because they can/have more money".

My parents are retired, mortgage free and have way more disposable income than we do. They hate the idea of us spending our money on them - my dad doesn't even like accepting Christmas gifts!

You can also show your appreciation for your parents without spending money.

@margotrose Exactly, there’s many ways to show your appreciation and tbh, I think some parents do turn themselves into doormats and then wonder why they get walked over!
That’s what’s happened with the 80-year-old I mentioned, she’s been too accommodating for decades.
I’m far too grouchy to fall into that trap. 🤣

@margotrose It’s ok for adult Dc to accept a free dinner though?? Convenient.

The dynamic from parent to child is different from child to parent.

The parent doesn't need to offer if they don't want to.

Maybe it's also a pride thing.

My "elderly parent" can't now walk that well. So I give him a hand when we go out, get the walker out of the car for him, make sure we sit somewhere convenient-go abs grab menus etc. ie make ir easier for him.

In his place, he generally pays as he is still my dad and "orotector" (even if I am 50)

Pride on my part for sure. I could not sit there and let my DF, now 83, pay for my meal when he is on a pension and we are both earning. Obviously some very wealthy people on this thread where OAPs earn more than us working full time.

My DD(19) takes pride in treating me to the occasional coffee and cake. But then I don't infantalise her like so many MNetters like to with their adult DC.

43 you need to accept that not all pensioners are struggling ... my DH and I are 'pensioners' (actually we are retired and drawing down from private pensions, not yet receiving state pensions) and my elderly DM is also a pensioner .. but none of us are struggling.. in fact we are all comfortably off.

43 due to prudent saving & investments-relocating to a cheaper part of the country etc our retirement income is the same as when we were working (not high earners by Mumsnet standards!) - yes I appreciate we were fortunate to be able to save and move but the idea that all 'pensioners' are hard up and struggling is just not true, where we live (a fairly ordinary town in the midlands there is plenty of "wealth" amongst the over 60s).