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Original poster

When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

222 replies

NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 21:16

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

OP posts:
RumNotRun · 04/11/2023 21:54

My dad and step mum often pay but I'll get a round of drinks,take bottles of wine if I'm visiting them, or will buy lunch if we happen to go out. Evening meals are way out of my budget though as they like good wine and food. They're also much much better off than I am.

My step dad wouldn't even let me buy the ice creams when I last saw him, which I was quite glad about as they were very expensive 😁

Jellybean23 · 04/11/2023 21:58

We're still waiting to be treated by our kids. They are in their early 30s now. Son has even threatened to buy his dad a pint at the pub - that's never happened either. Husband is so disappointed.

Prawnofthedead · 04/11/2023 21:58

I think in most cases whoever has the most spare money probably pays. So with DCs in their teens or twenties like the OP's it is probably the parent who usually pays. And with parents in their 70s or 80s with DCs in good jobs is probably the DC who often pays.

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Essie274 · 04/11/2023 21:58

I'm 26, have been financially independent from my parents since 16 and they still pay for me often.

If I go out for coffee/brunch with my mum, it's probably 50/50 on who will pay. I'd pay more often, but she wouldn't let me. It's only recently she's let me pay for any at all!

My dad seems to expect to go out for food every time we meet up, which is fine - but we absolutely can't afford to do that, which I think^ he knows. He pays probably 99% of the time and tbh I do expect that he will now (aka I don't budget for having to pay for ourselves, but obviously will without question if he doesn't sneakily take care of the bill like usual). He will let me pay on Father's Day, but he'll still buy a round of drinks or try and somehow figure out a way to "pay me back".

BrightLightTonight · 04/11/2023 21:59

When your child invites you out, that is when they start paying. If you and your DP are doing the invites, you pay

Essie274 · 04/11/2023 22:01

RumNotRun · 04/11/2023 21:54

My dad and step mum often pay but I'll get a round of drinks,take bottles of wine if I'm visiting them, or will buy lunch if we happen to go out. Evening meals are way out of my budget though as they like good wine and food. They're also much much better off than I am.

My step dad wouldn't even let me buy the ice creams when I last saw him, which I was quite glad about as they were very expensive 😁

Oh yes, this! I could never afford to pay for the type of evening meals my dad and step mum enjoy! I'm very grateful that they continue to include us in these experiences because I wouldn't be able to have them otherwise.

Original poster
NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 22:03

Cripes lots of responses! Really interesting.
I think the point is recognising the gesture of paying? It’s a kind thing to do to pay for something (although I guess if you’re really minted it’s neither here or there)

I’d like the kids to offer something, maybe because it means they appreciate that it is actually a paid experience.
Rather than me cooking a massive dinner which is time and effort. And then washing up and helping with the plates is my expectation perhaps.

OP posts:
Original poster
NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 22:04

BrightLightTonight · 04/11/2023 21:59

When your child invites you out, that is when they start paying. If you and your DP are doing the invites, you pay

Edited

Ok so when is the normal age we should we expect that?

OP posts:
Soontobe60 · 04/11/2023 22:07

We paid for our DDs up until very recently - both in their 30s. Now they each earn far more than us, so they pay 😂😂😂

HundredMilesAnHour · 04/11/2023 22:09

My Dad and his partner take it in turns to pay for us when we go out for a meal - and I'm 53!! 😂I try to pay but they refuse every time. But I live 250 miles away and have to spend a lot on AirBNBs/hotels when I visit (can't stay with them as his partner has cats and I'm very allergic) plus petrol so I think that's why. I do always take them gifts and pay for nice foods to delivered to them as surprise treats (brownies by post etc). I did manage to get them to let me pay for lunch last year though because I wanted to take them somewhere they considered 'expensive and fancy'. It took several months of negotiating in advance though. 🙄

Original poster
NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 22:09

Jellybean23 · 04/11/2023 21:58

We're still waiting to be treated by our kids. They are in their early 30s now. Son has even threatened to buy his dad a pint at the pub - that's never happened either. Husband is so disappointed.

Sorry @Jellybean23 . I think it’s odd. If they’ve grown up learning its nice/ good manners/ a sign of love to pay for other people, why don’t they do it?

OP posts:
Royalsingingseal · 04/11/2023 22:11

My Mum and ils expects us to pay for everything. We pay for our adult children so hit from both ends. I’m now at the point where we don’t go out as a family so much as it’s too expensive.

Tinkeytonkoldfruit · 04/11/2023 22:11

We still pay for my DSC but they are early 20s. It's now switched with my parents and MIL the expectation seems to be that we will always pay for them. So we are paying both ends currently!

DelphiniumBlue · 04/11/2023 22:12

Depends.
DC1, 29 living at home, earning good wage but saving for a deposit, will always pay his way, or split a restaurant bill to cover the birthday person. He's occasionally paid for me and DH, and often pays for younger student brother if they go out together, eg cinema and snacks.
DC2, 27, renting a flat earning about 20k less than DS1, will offer to pay if it's a cafe or small round, but is on a much tighter budget so we normally pay for him if we go to a restaurant.
DC3 is a student and not working so is not expected to pay.

elliejjtiny · 04/11/2023 22:12

My parents still pay and I'm 41 Blush.

Not really relevant but I was shocked a few months ago when I took ds1 out for lunch when he had a day off college and the waitress asked if we were paying separately or together. He was only 16, I didn't think he looked that grown up!

theduchessofspork · 04/11/2023 22:15

Well my parents were fairly chaotic so I paid for them from my late 20s.

Mine not quite adults yet but they like to buy us coffee out

Ragwort · 04/11/2023 22:20

My 90 year old mother still insists on paying and we go out to eat nearly every week .. obviously I offer but she says she would rather enjoy her money by doing things with me ! We always pay for our adult DS when we go out.

PetsAreBetter · 04/11/2023 22:28

NovemberRain23 · 04/11/2023 22:04

Ok so when is the normal age we should we expect that?

Show quote history

I think that depends on individual circumstances. Mine are late teens, early 20s and it starts with offering a coffee when they are getting one. Early to mid 20 year olds take me out for lunch every now and then - like for birthday or Mother's Day. In most instances I do pay. I do get them to contribute if they are asking to go to a place when I wouldn't normally want to. I'm doing them a favour by going at all and paying for myself, so that seems fair.

WeightoftheWorld · 04/11/2023 22:45

My DPs almost always pay although very occasionally we will pay if DF is not there. We always assume we will either pay or contribute and say we will do so but they almost always insist they pay. Sometimes we will pay and then DF will insist on transferring me the entire sum back to my bank account for example. However, they are wealthy and can easily afford to, and we are very much the squeezed middle (the real squeezed middle, as in just slightly over the UC threshold with two young children).

Also, to be fair the rare occasions we have a meal out with them or more often a takeaway at their house, they have invited us. I'm from a mixed heritage and in my non-British culture, if someone invites you out or over for dinner the expectation is that the host pays for it all. We very rarely would invite them out or over for a takeaway for financial reasons and we would expect to pay for everyone we host if we invited them. So we don't invite. If that all makes sense.

Calmdown14 · 04/11/2023 22:47

Maybe there's something of a class divide with this.

I can remember being at uni and being amazed that my boyfriend ( with an accountant father) expected to be bought take aways and meals out. I was even more amazed when they paid for my meal out (in a Frankie and Benny's so not that posh but felt it at time).

I'm early 40s and meals out and takeaways (other than the odd chipper) weren't much of a thing for us growing up. The odd one for a birthday but not like people do now

When I got my first part time job I started to pay. Other than perhaps really special occasions we'd always just pay for our own.

I'd guess expecting parents to pay comes from them having more income. You can't really expect a single mother working in retail to pick up a tab for everyone.

Ponderingwindow · 04/11/2023 22:49

My parents wouldn’t let me pay into my late 20s.

scrivette · 04/11/2023 22:50

My parents always pay and I am in my early 40's. We would split the bill on the rare occasion we we go out with PIL.

mrsfollowill · 04/11/2023 23:01

It varies so much between families! My mum is nearly 80 and has been a widow for over 20yrs but is very well off. She 100% tries to pay for everything. DH and I are in our 50's and both have full time jobs and no mortgage so plenty of disposable income- sometimes I just want to treat her!
Our DS is early 20's and works full time but is on min wage. (He lives with us still- rent free and saves 90% of his earnings for a house deposit) When it's just DH and I with DS we pay.
If mum is there then we have a stand off - she always wants to pay if we go out for a meal- but then I would like it more 50/50. I give up a bit and send her treats like food hampers/flowers- if I see a book I know she would like I buy it and take it round. I see her most days and live a couple of streets away so it's easy to pop round with nice sandwiches and cakes from the bakery as 'I'm passing by' anyway.

AlltheFs · 04/11/2023 23:09

I’m 45 and my Dad refuses to let us pay. I do try, I managed to pay last time but by the time I was home he had paid the money in to my bank account so it is hopeless.

He was raised that way though, my late grandmother would always pay (she was widowed young but left very well provided for despite their poor roots). She absolutely insisted so I guess that’s the family way and I will pay for DD as an adult.

Parents are relatively well off though and nothing to spend it on and are very generous. In comparison we are broke- high mortgage etc. I appreciate it hugely but we don’t take the piss.

If my parents couldn’t pay there’s no way we wouldn’t pay though. But Dad likes to “provide” I think.

WhatWouldTheDoctorDo · 04/11/2023 23:25

DH and I are in our 50s. His parents, who are reasonably well off, insist on paying for meals out etc. The only time we get to pay is if we're taking them out for a birthday treat. I think that's partly due to BIL being on a much lower wage than us, and they like to spend money on their children equally, regardless of individual incomes.

My mum manages just on her state pension, so doesn't have spare money for treats, so we always pay for her if we go out. She simply couldn't afford to take us out.

Because DH and I have a decent income, I imagine always paying for DC unless they are taking us out for a treat for birthday or similar. But they're still at school so maybe that will change!