When did you adult children contribute to meals out etc?

[NovemberRain23]

DP and I met a few years ago with both of us having teens from previous relationships. DP would always pay for days and meals out for all of us, me, his children and mine.
The kids are all now in their 20’s. Mine still at Uni, his have left and have their own places. When we go out for meals the expectation is he pays. When it’s something for DP like his birthday or just my child and his friends I pay.
To be honest I don’t mind generally as they are still our kids and happy to feed them at home or out. It’s more things like DP or my birthday which was last week. They didn’t offer anything to contribute as part of it being a gift to their parent.

Just wondered when the dynamic changes really. I’ve discussed with friends and the richer ones are fine always paying and less well off ones don’t do go out every time they get together. Some of the girls pay for their mums when they go out for coffee together. Have we got spoilt kids or is paying as the parent normal ? I still have to insist that I’ll pay when I go out with mine ( in their 70’s) but all of us offer.

My in-laws never pay for us.
My folks always insist.

Even if you're really minted, it's still a kind thing to do. And it shouldn't be expected.

Some of the richest people I know are the tightest.

On the wealthy pensioners question, it really depends on your background.

We're comfortably off, DS goes to private school courtesy of my DPs, most of the DGPs of people we know are wealthy and usually better off than their adult DCs due to lower house prices and gold plated pensions.

Just because this is not the case for some mumsnetters does not mean it isn't the reality for others.

Eldest DD (23) went out with DH last week. DH bought the main meal. She bought coffee and cake. She is a very poor student at moment with two part time jobs.

For heavens sake- buy your mum a damn coffee!

Ours are long grown up, but we do still usually pay, because we have more disposable income - they still have mortgages and childcare.
They will typically offer, quite insistently though. On one occasion, when we had said firmly that it was on us, a dd sneaked off ‘to the loo’ - minus purse or bag, so I didn’t suspect - she’d put a credit card down her bra!

My parents won’t let us pay. They actually fight between themselves about who gets to pay. When we go out with my in laws my mother will do things like get up to go to the toilet and pay on her way so no one else can. It’s weird.

@regularmumnotacoolmum

Same as ours.

It ruined meals out to be honest!
I think in the end we had 4 meals out with pil and he would be glaring or making a fuss over who paid.

Problem is they may stop coming out for meals with you if they feel they are expected to pay. If you can afford it then I don't see the harm. If you can't then just be ready for them coming to less meals etc

See, I'd feel awful if my student daughter with two part-time jobs felt it necessary in any way to buy her parents a coffee and cake.

It shows how different we all are.

Boy.. I think the point here is giving the actual money first place in the entire event.

Surely the money comes 2nd or 3rd place to wanting to meet up with family and enjoy time with them.
It's usually a parent who wants to see their children more when children are adults so why not pay or pay most etc.

I wanted to see dp they wanted to see me.. Who paid was immaterial when we wanted to see each other and it was beautiful balanced between who had money.

Something very unpleasant happens when extremely wealthy people start to quibble over bills and paying, and digging in for change and telling people who can and can't pay etc. It makes you not want to go thru it so you don't.

What kind and generous in-laws you have

I would say if your DH is the one wanting to eat out at restaurants and neither you or the kids want to pay, then that’s a tricky one. You don’t want to pay because you earn less than him and can’t afford it. Do the adult kids have much less free money than their dad due to lower income and higher housing? Maybe they think they can’t justify eating out either.

@margotrose I think young adults have to learn life skills. Giving and receiving are part of those life skills. If you get to your forties and parents are still footing the bill I think that's a pretty poor show!

Why? You can teach your kids that. And know if they take their turn and pay their share when with friends and acquaintances. They can see you doing it in the same scenario. You don’t need to stop taking your kids out for dinner to teach them that. I certainly won’t.

I'm in my forties and my parents always insist on paying, although we offer. My Nan always insists on paying if she's there with the grandkids or her children (my mum, uncle) and they're in their 70s and she's in her 90s 😂

DHs parents expect us to go halves however, but they have less money and even when they have they're just not very generous tbh (don't buy gifts etc).

@Cosywintertime we constantly take our kids out. Just once in a while it's nice if they offer. As these posts demonstrate many young people have stopped offering and even 47 year old women still letting their very elderly mothers foot the bill!

you can be elderly but also fairly rich as a "pensioner"

I wonder what the deal is when elderly parent start with dementia? Keep expecting payment of your meals or say 'wait perhaps it's time we treated mum!'

I think it really depends on your financial capabilities. For example with my parents I've started paying for their holidays / dinner out from the moment I earned a pay cheque. Whereas for my partners family at mid 30s his parents still pays for pretty much all the major holiday/dinners because it's a way for them to transfer wealth I guess.

I doubt her father demanded it from her. I don't buy meals out for my mother out of obligation, it's out of love and appreciation for everything she's done for me over the years. That didn't stop when I was a student.

@margotrose I don’t think it’s a case of “felt it necessary” though, I think the student child wanted to treat their parent and felt proud to do so, it’s a gesture of love.

It’s similar to my DS (15) buying small gifts for DH and I with part of his first pay packet from his summer job. He was proud to give us something.

None of it’s strictly necessary, but it’s a lovely thing to do.

I'm in my 30's and my parents tend to pay unless i'm taking them out for something.

I'm a single parent and they have more disposable income than me .

I have a very elderly (90) mother who still insists on paying - she has a very generous pension, has downsized so lots of capital in the bank .. she enjoys eating out and spending her money. Should I refuse to go out with her? Obviously I always drive, carry the shopping, take her wherever she wants etc. She gives generously to charity & younger family members but still has loads of 'available' cash - and like many people (as seen on Mumsnet) would rather spend her money now than leave it to be used up in inheritance tax etc.
Her enjoyment comes from treating family to nice meals and occasions ... most of her friends have sadly died so there aren't that many people she can go out for meals with.

I dont feel it is lovely. I’ve never felt my children spending their limited hard earned income on my was lovely. There are many many things they do to make me feel proud, to give them self pride. To show me they love me.

spending on me isn’t one I would accept